If you stuff them then you will really prolong your pain
You are counting days
Not sure if that is helpful
This will take much longer than you think
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Counting is just a measure of progress for me. It’s like saving pennies. One or two is not much, 28 is not much, but keep it up, and you’ll have something of considerable value as long as you keep adding.
One step, one day at a time.
Thank you for telling me these feelings are normal. I need to let them out.
Here is where I am going with this. Since our S, I have made it clear numerous times (last time was in June), that I refused to have a partnership like her friend. That I deserved a second chance at love, and whatnot. So to have W bring this up...I initially wanted to say that this "partnership" we have is not what I want in my marriage and I don't want this, etc. BUT, I remember what this group said:
This was progress, you did not go NGS on her. You made it clear that you aren't going to support her financially while she lives a separate romantic life.
Quote
So...I kept my cool and happy demeanor. Made her laugh quite a bit and we moved on from the conversation without much issue. As we were in the checkout line, I noticed a tiny thumb ring. I asked her that's a nice ring and I asked where did she get it. She responded that she bought it at Target. Minutes later I give my D4 to W, and close W's door when she got in (still a gentleman and still habit). They are now out picking blackberries, going school clothes shopping and are going to have a slumber party with OM's friend's kids.
More progress IMO. You drew your line and moved on. You didn't get emotional in front of her.
Obviously detaching is easier said than done. I started doing this last night when I was out:
"Hey guys, I really didn't come out to talk about WW, let's talk about something else." And for me, it's all about building some happiness. I don't get that by dwelling on WW. Sometimes I want to talk about it and vent and hear people validate me, but sometimes I just like the feeling of fun or accomplishment so that is why making yourself detach is for the best.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
GAL this morning. Also talked to my NGS counselor. Basically he told me that I'll need to work up the courage to tell her what I want and don't want. Make a list before our next appointment (two weeks time). Some of the things he said was to make a list of what I want in a R-ship. I said, healthy communication, boundaries, trust, and intimacy (physical and emotional). He also asked what am I going to communicate to W about what I want and how I'm going to do it. He didn't say that I had to do it now or within the next two weeks, he just told me to put the list together.
W asked me where I was. I said "out and about". She's starting to get a little of what's going on. She said I'm being "weirdly vague". Otherwise, we made lunch and chit-chatted. We sat in her bedroom and ate together...which I must admit, felt pretty good.
I have asked this question and I feel like I did not get a concrete response. I want to start communicating to W about my roles and behaviors in the split. Previously when I brought it up to W, it was at inopportune times that resulted in a lot of crying on her part and essentially shutting down. Responses were angry (I had to go to work, why didn't you bring it up last night? Why did you go to the uncle when you know you're going to feed off of his anger? etc.) I've been planning on this strategy for over a month now and it follows in the vein of what my MC told me when I decided it was time to surrender the old R. I want to start a journal discussing the stuff that led to the S. I want to tell W that I did A, B, C and I understood why she is doing what she is doing. I'm not going to say that I want an R. I'm just going to say that as someone who was there first and foremost of my behaviors, I want to get her perspective. My goal is to make sure I learn from this pain and not put my second chance love through this again.
I see my MC in two weeks. I want to nudge myself towards some result. But I'm also not sure if this is considered pursuing or if it's a good way of getting more information to learn and fix my mistakes. I'm conflicted on how to approach this and would love to get feedback from you.
Both of my counselors and you all have commented on the job that I'm doing and wanting to learn and grow from this. I just want to make sure I can continue this growth and not tumble back to square one. But I'm at an internal crossroads of what to do here.
She saw I was visibly shaken. She kept asking me what’s wrong. I calmly took a few breaths and expressed that’s it’s been 28 days since we had an emotionally charged discussion. I then told her after than right now my emotions are high right now. She strongly suggested we shelve the talk. I agreed immediately. No talk about my visibly shaken feelings.
You are not in danger. You are making progress. So breathe, relax, calm down. You are going to be fine, pain.
Wait til the vets chime in but I'm guessing they're going to give the concrete answer you're wanting hear about, and I don't think you're going to hear anything but that it is pressure and pursuit.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
