Up to 7 texts and 5 calls now. I may respond via text after work, politely give a brief response. Like I detailed earlier.
Someone wants to look at the house, I forgot she has it for sale on Facebook. So I'll tell her to show it whenever. But I am probably staying in the house unless their offer is amazing. I haven't told her that most likely I will stay in the house, but perhaps should.
She says she needs to talk about a couple important things, and of course she only tries to do this 9-5 M-F. Nah. Called me immature and said to call her, that's she "trying to include me in this decision b/c it's both of ours".
Apparently she upgraded the Spectrum from internet to add TV service. Now, 2 weeks later, she wants to change it back but can't b/c the account is in my name. But the bill is going to her card and of course she doesn't want to pay. She set this up really well. And now she is switching back to DirectTV. FUBAR.
She got herself into this Spectrum deal, she can get herself out. Maybe I'll call Spectrum to ask why they'd let her do that in my name. But the house she can show whenever she wants.
This crap is stressing me out but work is keeping me busy and I have IC tonight, no more MC for me. Thinking about getting a DB coach, wondering if my situation will ever change.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Ovrrnbw, sorry to hear that your wife is harassing you over these things. Her actions are immature and you're handling everything well but everyone has their limits. It seems polite and brief responses when necessary could get her off your back. What did you ever decide to do about the nice car?
WW shows up at the house and wakes me up to "talk" about the "important things" she wanted to talk about yesterday. Of course after scolding me for ignoring her, then almost cries. Oh well.
I quickly answer her questions by saying: -show the house whenever you want -leave the internet/tv service as is
She follows up with asking how much do you want to pay the realtor if they offer. I replied that I don't care. Then that she can't get the internet/tv service dropped and I have to talk to them. Great. I agree to call them. "Important things" solved.
Then I go about my morning, gotta feed and water the dog and let her out and water plants. WW follows me out back and out front to tell me how this is all my fault, how the dog's name is dumb, is the dog peeing all over the house, tells me I haven't changed.
I remembered in my had to listen and validate, but not at first. Then WW leaves for work and calls immediately, to tell me what the realtor said. But wait! There's more! She tells me it hurts bc I act like I don't give a shoot about her at all. That I act like she ripped my life apart, but that I really did that to her. She literally said "I'm just shocked that you don't care about my feelings at all" and begins crying. W. T. F.
How I don't care about her or her feelings and that if she was the one who ruined things she would be bending over backwards to accommodate, but that she was always on the back burner and never a priority to me. Manipulation. I'm making things hard on her b/c I want to, and it's games.
I ripped her life apart. I don't give her the time of day. I don't put myself in her shoes. Why is she where she is? That the least I could do is make it easier on her. She doesn't get respect. If she needs my help, that I should make it easy for her. Says she knows why I don't want to make it easy for her but that it's not fair. (That's right!)
I stood firm against her lies that she was not a priority, we talked all day long before. I told her I won't be there 24/7 and that she can figure some stuff out on her own. Told her that there's a difference between my being an ass before and what she is doing.
Then I get 3 texts and 5 more calls. Not answering those. I literally have things to do.
Trying to figure if I should be home tonight to do what she wants, rebuild a retaining wall.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Get home last night after hanging out with a friend. WW wants to talk. I tell her no, it's too late (I didn't want a worrisome or sleepless night). She tells me yes, so I tell her I'll leave then. She took a couple shots at me, saying I'm playing the victim and that I take care of the puppy better than her. OK.
She gives up. So I go outside to sit and relax. She comes out and makes light convo, crying a little bit at times. Then she goes inside. Then comes back outside. I had a glass of wine, so she goes and gets more. Long story short, she asked me about the counseling she can get - my work has it for free. She tells me she doesn't want to live and feels trapped in a nightmare. She doesn't want me to tell anyone. Most of this feelings is b/c of our marriage issues, but some is from her rape. She drank a lot last night, got drunk to the point of trying to puke. I let her sleep in the bed with me last night.
I did a lot of listening, she did say she wasn't going to act on these feelings, but I'm not sure I believe it. I took the guns out of the house in April, so that option is off the table. She mentioned her feelings of depression had never gone away, just that she was distracted for a while.
There were some other things going on where I was DB'ing, but the focus kinda shifted a bit, at least for last night. I didn't pursue, and she was trying to get me to tell her I love her, but I didn't. Maybe I should have with her feeling low, I'm not sure. She put her hand out for me to hold, but I didn't. She is still w/ OM as far as I know, so I wasn't going to be the H.
I got a file opened for her to see a counselor and she just has to call to confirm and get referrals. Hopefully she does follow through here and get help.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wow that's a major development. It sounds like you handled it perfectly. That'll be great for your wife to get professional help. There does seem to be an underlying sense of depression and emptiness in these wayward spouses that should be treatable.
I watched a TEDx on YouTube titled "Rethinking Infidelity: For anyone who has ever loved" by Esther Perel. This might be a helpful video for you to watch at this time given that it seems your wife could come back to you and yet there's this OM in the picture still. Esther Perel says that recovery starts when there's an apology - did your wife apologize last night? Did she seem concerned about your welfare or just her own?
just wanted to update a little. I've been away from the forums for a while.
My last post was almost 2 weeks ago. Late that night, WW came home at 1 AM, stinking of booze, and asked me to go to Florida with her. I looked at her for a long moment and simply said OK. And the next evening we went. Just got back last night.
We had some discussions on vacation that were productive. I let her bring everything up, most of the communication we had was fun and light. She was a moody turd a lot too, but got nicer at the end of it. She point blank asked me a couple of times if I loved her, and I didn't answer.
I snooped her phone one night. She told OM that she was going with me to Florida (don't know if that was her breaking up or vice versa) and he blocked her on snapchat. I couldn't see exactly what she said, just her recap to her friend. She told me she realized she still had a lot of feelings and too many memories. I dunno how much I believe anything she says still though. And she has a ton of stuff to work through and I can tell she wants to snap her fingers instead of dig in for the hard work and long haul. She got (hopefully) all her crap out of his place the day a couple of weeks ago, I could tell when she got home bc she had a bunch of stuff.
So it's complicated, but what's new? Also her family disgusts me. Her sister told her she thought I was going to kill her while we were there. Ok you little female dog. Anyways they have a bunch of BS where that came from so why worry about it? Just another reason why I'm staying detached. I'm going to see if she stays at home every day for a while and then bring up her own counseling and marriage counseling as boundaries for me.
I missed 2 season openers for hunting so now it's back to work and time to take the puppy to the field and get after it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw, I really believe this is great news. It doesn't mean your marriage is fixed but it seems your wife may have hit rock bottom and now she's on her way back up. It sounds like everything you've done is appropriate on your end. If you can maintain a strong stance and not let things normalize until she works hard over an extended period of time then you'll greatly increase your chance of longer-term success. I will warn you that once your spouse comes back the feelings of resentment could strengthen for a long long time. It's important to deal with resentment effectively because it could destroy the marriage a second time as was a factor in my case (among many others).
So W has been home for almost 3 weeks now. She still is giving me some excuses, an attitude, and being rude. Still not 100% honest.
She pushed me hard to go to her parents house Sat b/c her sister was in town. I told her "I'm not comfortable with that right now" but W continued to ask 7 or 8 more times.
Her mom says it's "none of my business" that she lied to me in July about being done with the OM. W lied about this b/c that was my boundary, that I wouldn't "try" or see her if she was. Well MIL, it's my wife, she told me she wants to try, then lied to me to manipulate me into "trying" with her. It is my business, a lot more than my MIL's. W doesn't agree with me.
Her sister was actively pushing her to file for divorce just a few weeks ago so she could bring OM to the lake for Labor Day. And her sister was acting like I'm the devil and OM is so sweet. I read the texts while we were on vacation. Told my W that she (my W) told me this when she was drunk, which is a lie. But I know.
I don't want to hang out with her sister or parents. To them, I'm just an interchangeable cog that is attached to their daughter. I will be discarded when convenient and used as they see fit. They make me want to puke.
But anyways, where to go from here? Keep detaching, GAL, and enforce boundaries (honesty, good treatment of each other).
W hasn't brought up MC, and she also needs to go to IC for her own depression. W says that counseling is just talking and that it won't "do anything"....yeaaaaaa OK.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Stay the course. Keep DBing, stick to your guns on not going to the family event. MIL and SIL sound toxic.
Also, 180 on the lying. Next time you get intel, just tell your W you know, not how. No need to lie. If she keep pushing just tell her the subject is closed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
