"WWs especially want what they want NOW, and they don't want to hear anything that says that the decision they are making or made is wrong in anyway. When reality proves that the decision wasn't the best they sometimes react poorly to that reality."
Steve posted that in another sitch this morning. no idea where W's reality is, but that first sentence is spot on for me and the "react poorly" is as well. will reality ever make W question...seems completely not likely now...time will tell I guess.
hope everyone has a great weekend...I've got a good one lined up with my sweet D!
well Steve I'm living my life, having fun with D and moving on at the pace my emotions and circumstances provide. I have no inclination/interest to date so giving her the time (aka me being patient/not doing anything stupid) I think I can.
lol...well if I do have the power I don't think about it much or realize it. if W does D me without ANY attempt to try/work...only thing I know for sure is that no way I could do that. time will tell...
meh ...another reason for W complete disappearing could be just so she can focus on OM. that one...nothing I can do if that's the case anyway. hadn't thought about that possibility, but doesn't change what I need to do, which is STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
apologies in advance for me posting again and cycling.
meh ...another reason for W complete disappearing could be just so she can focus on OM. that one...nothing I can do if that's the case anyway. hadn't thought about that possibility, but doesn't change what I need to do, which is STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
apologies in advance for me posting again and cycling.
Hey you recognize it, and that;s half the battle. Lots of LBSs do this kind of thing and are oblivious to the fact that a) they are doing it and b) that it isn't healthy. So kudos for recognizing it b! Now just work on it so it doesn't bother you anymore. Like water off a duck's back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
thanks steve...truth that I'm finding is that detachment/NC from WW to me...the silence is deafening and it causes me to regress and wonder. I guess in a way my struggle with it shows that there's some positive knowledge in my sitch for an LBS if/when they question if their detachment/giving time/space causes the WW to wonder.
it's very hard not to at least think on it, bothering me is less a problem. every day as soon as I wake up enough to know where I am, it hits me that she's gone. I get better and it's random during the day, but every morning right now at least, that thought hits me. guess I'm frustrated to be feeling "stuck"...cycling day for me for sure, crazy how they come up randomly. her total absence, one day I'll get on by this and be where Stander is now.
"Most wives DO express their feelings...but often their complaints -- especially for emotional intimacy, conversation, recreational closeness, more sex -- are ignored, pretended away, I suspect because the husband does not really know how to "fix" those types of things.
For others, it is that their presence in the marriage is more-or-less taken for granted. Men seem to feel that they've "done all the work needed" during dating, courtship...and they stop being the man and doing the things and treating her the way that helped the woman fell in love with them in the first place. The woman just ends up being sick of feeling, being treated like part of the household furniture. It accumulates over time when her trying to talk about it is ignored and "her" problem(s) pretended away. Then, when she's done, she is done. It takes a LONG and lonely, painful time to fall out of love and want to leave one's marriage. There is nothing "walk-away" about the process of falling out of love with one's husband or the difficult, painful decision to end one's marriage.
That is pretty much textbook. Look up the articles describing WAWS and this is it to a "T."
Notice too how a lot of what she said can be paraphrased with, "I waited for him to change and do better, but he never did." Note she never said, " I told him I was desperately unhappy and if things don't improve I AM going to leave!"
She probably did give a million little signs and hints that she was dissatisfied and she probably DID try to tell him what she needed many many many many many many many many times. He just didn't hear it.
This is where the whole Venus and Mars thing comes in. Men and women often speak different languages. Men don't speak, Signs-And-Hints. That is a foreign language to them.
Men only hear being cut off sexually for a couple years, catching wife in bed with another man and being handed divorce papers. A few men will understand the direct and explicit, "I am very unhappy and will leave you shortly if things don't improve." But not all men even pick up on that.
Women will endure misery a long long long long time before giving up. Then once they give up they will mark time and wait an even longer time to plan and prepare and let the kids grow and mature before the launch the departure plan.
By th time they file, they've declared the marriage dead literally YEARS earlier.
Sometimes they mark time untill the kids are older, untill they have a new job, untill they lose weight or many times untill a new man enters their life."
I am SO SO SORRY BABY!!! I could not have possibly loved you more and yet I failed you! God help me I know not WHY I could not understand/dig deeper than when you said "I'm unhappy". I would have done ANYTHING I could have to improved our relationship if you had only been able to help me clearly understand what it was!
Heartbroken...utterly...I am beside myself with grief for failing you!! I just couldn't/didn't hear what it was you needed!!!
All I can say is that I feel your pain. My BD was 3/12.
We can only work on the things we control in this life. You have to let go of the things you can't control. You have do it for yourself and for any chance to save things. Your W didn't marry a sad, unhappy man. She married someone with great qualities and who made her feel great. Find that man, detach from the things cannot control. Work on making your life great again.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
B, I understand you are having a tough day, all of us go through the cycles, emotional up and downs the same day even. Tell me this, your D is 3 years old, so your love was at this zenith to have had a child just 3 years ago, and then the first year raising her you both would have had very special moments,memories for life. I am sure the added responsibilities put a huge strain, on retrospection that is what happened in my sitch but isnt that a phase in life? If a S walks away when kids are small because of the added pressure what companionship can they provide to us with later challenges that life with throw at us? And what kind of a parent would put his/her needs before the child's especially a small child. Stop making excuses or justifying her behavior, this destructive path she chose has doomed your family and your D, how is that pardonable? It is good to own our parts in it, but sometimes we tend to forget how toxic they are to us right now. Most of this, I am telling myself in my own sitch, go back to thinking the S we knew and cared are long since dead.
ovrr...see that's the thing...IF I had known what was making my W so unhappy then it would have been at least somewhat within my control to improve/change it. Now if W was not sure what IT was and/or either she could not make me understand it or I could not understand it. W would say I didn't listen. I'm a manager at a small tech firm. My JOB is to listen and make decisions/changes to improve the company and the employees who work for me. Did I not hear her needs, understand them, was it within my control to do so...given the deafening silence it makes it very hard for me to not believe I had control. I am a man with great qualities enough for her to believe so and marry me, so over time did I lose those qualities? I'm sure that I did not, but yet she said I didn't give her enough of what she needed so given all I have to reflect on, I find I could have done more of everything. Biggest thing I beat myself up for is watching TV while W relaxed in bed after our D was down for the night. I'm sure she thought I wasn't aggressive in wanting sex, but I felt I was giving each of us time to unwind from the day and I never was the type of guy to beg or force or get angry if W wasn't in the mood. I respected her too much to objectify her due to my selfish physical needs. My "life" is fine these days. I am heartbroken and in pain, my D has a broken family and I have lost half my time with her, yet I know the only thing I can do is go on and so I will and pray someday/somehow God can help recover my soul and maybe by some ridiculous miracle allow me to trust again. Folks ask if I could take W back, I laugh and say "no idea" W is so far gone in my opinion and even in my counselor's opinion that she will D me and NEVER TRY to even talk about coming back. Hard enough to even hear from her now. I don't even think about it I'm so certain of how hopeless that line of thought is.
arsh...the zenith of our love was the year BEFORE we got pregnant. the year of our being pregnant was horrible. W hated being pregnant. weight gain, pain, couldn't go out, drink, travel. W wanted no pictures, no shower and knew before even having D she wanted no more children. first year once D arrived there were many precious memories that I recall, but I can't say W felt the same way. again the weight gain, baby needs, lack of sleep, etc W was not happy. our D took from her the life she had, freedom to do/go as she pleased, her body, her time and W probably resented me for getting her pregnant. W probably thought if she hadn't married me, she wouldn't be in this "mess". probably again where her huge resentment towards me comes from. she definitely has put her needs above everyone. D will be fine is what she used to say. recently it was how certain she was that divorce was best for all of us. did we settle into a domestic pattern after D? yes, we did. we went to work, came home, ate, took care D, repeat. we did take many trips though as well. did it get boring? yes I"m sre it did, but day to day life gets like that. was I unhappy, no not really married life to me was going to be up and down. if she had sat down beside me, told me what was important to her and worked with me to understand it, you D**N right I would do all I could to give her what she wanted. did she bail out emotionally on our family, marriage, yep clearly she did, she left. has she had an EA/PA/OM my gut based on her actions says yes which is probably why she is pushing so hard for D. it's just very sad arsh...when we had all the pieces in place for our love to take it's final breath the way it will. did I fail her? I didn't abuse her, cheat, lie, nothing...BUT did I spend enough time with her, did I tell her how much I loved her, showed her how much I loved her, I could have done a TON more. do I blame her for leaving, yes but do I try and own 100% of our MR failing, yes I do and I will the rest of my life. for whatever reason I did not do all that I could have to show her how much I loved her and appreciated her. thank you for your comments to me. prayers to you and your little girls!
