Thank you for saying I am doing this very well, I would like to continue working on that boundary. I am glad I am developing statements for when the time comes, because I do believe the time will come. I think in my mind I am trying to be consistent right now in letting him do as he pleases, and if he continues to make the decision to be in the bar every night, then I have no choice but to tell him I think it is best if he leaves and stays somewhere else.
I said to him about a month ago that he has all of a sudden decided he wants a different life. I told him when he lived out of town he got used to being in the bar 7 days a week (where the OW was a bartender) and now that is the life he wants here, and we no longer want the same lives. I want family life, he wants something different. He says that isnt true and that he does want the same thing but on his terms, and if he wants to go have drinks after work a few nights a week it shouldnt be a big deal.
The thing is, I can compromise there, a few nights a week, I can deal with. But this is now every night, and its while we are in this limbo state so I have no reassurance he isnt seeing other women, etc., so it is very uncomfortable for me. If this is the life he is choosing, then he can have it. I just will remove myself from that equation. I am going to take Steve's advice and be in bed by the time he gets home and not engage with him as much.
When he gets home he will usually come in and hang out with the baby and I and talk about his day, as I can smell the booze on him and tell if he is drunk. The 3 of us will usually hang out for a bit before going to sleep and it is pleasant. Sometimes he brings home dinner, 2 weeks ago he was here every night for dinner, even cooking 1 night. And then all of a sudden this past week he was gone every single night. I think he was home for dinner one night and made it for us. But other than that he was gone and came home either right before the baby goes down, or right after I put her down.
Today I sent him a text asking if he was at work already, I was going to ask if we could talk and i was ALMOST going to tell him I think its best if he moves out. But I stopped myself and decided to give this more time and try to detach in the suggestions Steve gave. After I texted asking if he was at work yet he called me 4 times and then texted me asking if something was wrong. I responded and said "everythings good thanks" and he texted again asking what happened and then called again. I didnt respond. I will just tell him I was locked out or something.
I want to take my time with this. I have been implementing sandi's 37 rules for about 3 weeks now. At first I noticed a difference from him, but now it seems as though hes getting further and further away by me doing them. This is so hard, I know I need to find what works, but I also want to stay consistent with things and give it time.
I cant really comprehend why my heart wont catch up with my mind. The way he is living is not someone I would ever want to be with. It is opposite of the man I married. And I cant understand how he doesnt see that. Drinking every single day? It is SO unlike him, ESPECIALLY after having our baby, it blows my mind. He texted me last weekend (at 2am on his way home from the bar) and said "I dont think you trust me with the baby." Which i quickly responded saying thats clearly not true.
I think he tests me a LOT. Whether he is purposely doing it I dont know. But to text me at 2am saying that, sometimes I think he would like to start an argument or a conversation so he wants to find things to get angry about. It is very strange. He JUMPS at the opportunity to be angry with me over small things, but since doing Sandi's 37 rules, he has had no ammunition and we get along. About 2 weeks ago one morning before work he said bye to me, and he had on weird clothes (he is in construction and he was wearing sandals, etc) and I said "youre going to work in that?" He said "ya, ill change my shoes at the job". I then looked up and realized he had a hat on from the bar where the OW worked, which I have expressed to him about 4 times now he is never to wear it in the house, and to get rid of it. I immediately said to him "H, I am being dead serious when I say you have got to stop wearing that hat in this house. It is the most disrespectful thing you could possibly do." He quickly said Okay, and then said how disrespectful it was for me to ask him about his clothes he is wearing to work.....To this I was amazed, how he turned that on me.
I said "Me asking you about your clothes is absolutely NOTHING like you wearing the hat of the woman's work place you had AN AFFAIR WITH."
He left and quickly texted me saying he was sorry for wearing the hat but for me to never ask him again about his attire. That he is up early only going to work and if he wasnt then it was none of my business. He said I was being accusatory and that I have done this so many times and he has asked me not to (he is right about that, I admit). I didnt respond to any of it and he continued texting saying "I apologize for wearing the hat and you cant apologize to me for yet again asking about my clothes?"
I finally responded saying I wasnt ignoring him but that I didnt want to have a convo about it. I said him keeping the hat speaks volumes, but that I do understand how me asking about his clothes was frustrating bc he had asked me to stop doing that a ton of times and clearly I hadnt listened.....He responded saying he will burn the hat, it means nothing to him, and that in our relationship we never discussed issues that came up, so me not wanting to talk about it was more of the same....
He was right. I said to him that he was right and he said that I was being passive and said to have a good day.
He had made good points, and I tried to validate them. but I could tell that evening when he got home from work he was still annoyed about it.
I am explaining all of this bc it was my 1 slip up from doing Sandi's rules. Other than that I have tried very hard to stick to them and I would like to continue. Regardless of how late he is out every night, I want to see how I can start to SHOW him I am GAL, making my own choices, and not waiting on him anymore to do things. We will see, I appreciate all the motivation, suggestions, and advice. Please keep it coming. I keep refreshing the page to see the responses!
I can compromise there, a few nights a week, I can deal with. But this is now every night, and its while we are in this limbo state so I have no reassurance he isnt seeing other women, etc., so it is very uncomfortable for me. If this is the life he is choosing, then he can have it. I just will remove myself from that equation. I am going to take Steve's advice and be in bed by the time he gets home and not engage with him as much.
So wrap this in your boundary.
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I want a H that goes out with his friend once a week.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have a question. If I would like to reinforce a boundary to him how should I word it? I would like to inform him soon that IF he is seeing someone else, I do not want him living here. I have told him that before, but I feel like over time the lines get blurred and he starts convincing himself he is single, sleeping on the couch, only living here for the baby, etc. I dont want to accuse him of anything, but instead just state if he is entertaining another woman, it would be best if he explores that outside of our home.
...I will just tell him I was locked out or something.
Making up things is dangerous.
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I want to take my time with this.
Take your time making decisions (just don't drag it out). Gather as much info as you can. Weigh all the pros and cons. Make your best estimate of the outcome of each option. Make your choice. Live with the consequences of your decision. Evaluate "Did it work?" if not try something else next time.
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I have been implementing sandi's 37 rules for about 3 weeks now. At first I noticed a difference from him, but now it seems as though hes getting further and further away by me doing them. This is so hard, I know I need to find what works, but I also want to stay consistent with things and give it time.
Consistency is good...keep up all changes that are good FOR YOU.....
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his way home from the bar) and said "I dont think you trust me with the baby." Which i quickly responded saying thats clearly not true.
"I don't trust anyone that is DRUNK around OUR baby"
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"H, I am being dead serious when I say you have got to stop wearing that hat in this house. It is the most disrespectful thing you could possibly do." He quickly said Okay, and then said how disrespectful it was for me to ask him about his clothes he is wearing to work.....To this I was amazed, how he turned that on me.I said "Me asking you about your clothes is absolutely NOTHING like you wearing the hat of the woman's work place you had AN AFFAIR WITH."
Perfect words. Glad you said that....
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and he continued texting saying "I apologize for wearing the hat and you cant apologize to me for yet again asking about my clothes?"
This is baiting...ignore....
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and that in our relationship we never discussed issues that came up, so me not wanting to talk about it was more of the same....He was right. He had made good points, and I tried to validate them. but I could tell that evening when he got home from work he was still annoyed about it.
Might be good to 180 this one. "You are right, that was not good for our relationship. What concerns do you have?" And do a lot of listening..."I see..." and validating...
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I want to see how I can start to SHOW him I am GAL, making my own choices, and not waiting on him any more to do things.
"H, can you bee home by 6p tonight? YES or Why? will be his most likely response. If Why "I would you like to spend time with D while I run some errands." You can go shopping, or out to eat or a walk or whatever....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
would it be smart to ask him if he is seeing someone else, or is that a bad move?
Bad move. Setting your boundary will give you the information you seek. You have time to work out all the details. Part of that may me surprising him with a "Please give me your phone. Please give me your password". If he is unwilling to be transparent, you have your answer.
I have tried this before, he will NEVER show me his phone. Right now he has been VERY honest about the fact that he does not want to work on our marriage at the moment. He understands I do not trust him and that if we do ever get to a place of reconciliation, he will have to work very hard to get my trust back. We have discussed this. But right now I feel like we are more at a place where he is figuring out if this is what he wants. And I understand that isnt fair. He doesnt just get to take time off our marriage for a time out to live however he wants. I am willing to give him his freedom for some time to sort out whatever issues he has going on within him, which he does have issues right now for sure and he knows it.
When I made him leave a few months back I said to him I didnt want him to become a mess, because I knew he would. He said he didnt know what was wrong with him and that possibly it was his guilty conscious. It was the first time he seemed to actually see things for what they were and feel awful and scared to lose me. This was roughly 2 months ago and he has not said anything like that since. He continues going back on things he says he will do, and he really seems as though if I asked him to leave he would react angry for sure but then not really care.
I am giving this behavior another week and then reinforcing my boundaries. If he doesnt like them then he can make that decision and leave. I am willing to live through this hell for now in order to have a lifetime of happiness in my marriage, yes. But I am not willing to live this way if he is just keeping me as plan B if he cant find something better all of a sudden. And I promise you he wont ever find anything better. I know that is cliche to say, but it is the truth in our situation as I see it. He is on the path of a life with no reward, drinking daily, spending barely anytime with his daughter, not paying his bills etc. If he expects me to raise her alone and then when shes a little older be a very hands on dad and get her 50% of the time he has lost his mind, But I know im getting ahead of myself there. So I will calm down.
Dedicated to giving this time and seeing where this week takes us. Hoping my emotions wont take over and lead me to say things I shouldnt.
Ready2Change, I would like to reinforceSET a boundary .... that IF he is seeing someone else, I do not want him living here..... just state if he is entertaining another woman, it would be best if he explores that outside of our home. Thanks!Kech
You can tone down:
Originally Posted by kech
H, You mentioned the other day that we never discussed issues between us. I see many ways for us to improve our marriage. Recently you have been ACTING LIKE A SINGLE MAN. Your current behaviour is not what I desire in a H. I want a H that wants to spend time with his family and experience fun things together. I want a H that doesn’t come home drunk.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
he seemed to actually see things for what they were and feel awful and scared to lose me
This is what you want. [/quote]
That is definitely what I want, but since then I have kicked him out and he doesnt ever react like that anymore. He gets angry and will text me over and over about the baby and just make me out to be the bad guy. I am afraid that If I ask him to leave again (while we are currently on good terms) he will leave and be happy and not care to come back.
Im sure everyone fears this, but it could be the biggest mistake I ever make couldnt it? He came home around 8 last night and we had some pleasant small talk and I asked if he could stay home friday with the baby because I have plans. He said yes. I am really struggling with this. I felt better prior to writing on here honestly because I was content and now Im feeling like im doing this all wrong.
He left around 5:45am for work and immediately my stomach turned to knots for the rest of the morning. The early early mornings are the worst for me. I find that my mind races of all the things he could be going to do and I become so anxious and angry with him. I struggle so much with pulling away. I feel so great when we hang out and laugh together, and when I pull away I feel SO horrible about everything.
Last night he was on the couch and i was in bed and I got up to check on the baby and he thought it was the dog moving around so he started saying the dogs name, and i told him it was just me and I showed him on the monitor how the baby was sleeping and how it worried me. And he looked and said she will be ok. So I went back into bed and a few minutes later he sent me a text asking if she was ok. I said ya and he sent me another asking if I rolled her over. I said no and he sent me another just saying alright and I didnt respond.
I seriously HATE feeling so distant from him when were in the same house. I can literally feel my heart breaking at what is happening to us. It feels like we are getting further and further apart and I dont want him to think theres no going back. And i know thats how he feels. I know he feels like we cant get the spark back because its too far gone at this point. I wish so badly he would try. just a few weeks ago he was saying things like lets go get the baby new shoes together and things like that and now it seems like hes just trying more and more to get away.
It has almost been a year since "I love you but I am not in love with you" and it has been 9 months since I found out about OW, and almost 5 months since our 1st actual "separation" where he moved out of the house. Since then it has been back and forth, were working on it, were not, etc. All while either pregnant or with a newborn. I wonder if he ever stops and thinks about what hes done to me as a person. I dont feel like I will ever be the same again. I cant seem to be TRULY happy at all unless I am home with the baby. I do enjoy it when I am with my girlfriends, but I havent done that much because I have not told everyone about our situation and I dont want to yet. He just came on a family vacation with my family in the beginning of July, I told him he didnt have to and he said he wanted to. It was such a great time. And as soon as we got back we went right back into this hellish state.
He knows he will lose me, he isnt stupid. I dont think that he is under the impression I wont go anywhere, bc I think he knows I will. But maybe he just doesnt care, Or maybe he wont know how that will affect him until it actually happens. I wish there was an easier way to show him what hes losing. I feel so much better when he is here every night. It is a positive thing he is coming home every night, I just wish it was earlier than 8pm, and way earlier on the weekends. Sorry for my rambling
