Are her credit cards getting paid off out of a joint account? You need to have a serious discussion about separating your finances in order to protect yourself. I would get on that ASAP. My W was spending 1k a month on a credit card that drew on our joint account while we were first separated. I didn't want to see that, nor did I want to control her. Having a serious talk about how we were going to function going forward was important and healthy. If your W is running up serious debt, you need to take care of it ASAP. I am no expert on finances (Vanilla is really good), but you can check out my older thread as lots of people gave me very good advice.
Yes, all our cards get paid from our joint checking acct. She always handles all the bills, and i just never paid much attention. Obviously I never expected a D to be possible.
Ya if anyone has any advice on how to discuss this Id love to hear it. Im sure shell get very defensive, and say its for needed items. Which may be true, but idk. The other night she said 'you think we're financially fine, but were not'. News to me. Maybe her $60/week wine habit isnt helping....
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Either way, money can be a tricky factor - you don't want to try to convince her to stay in the relationship by being controlling with money, nor do you want her to keep overspending from your joint account.
Here is what Vanilla told me... of course every situation is different, so take out what you think is useful.
Quote
I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.
So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy. J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date. Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.
Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.
It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.
This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.
Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.
Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.
The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.
I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.
V
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Either way, money can be a tricky factor - you don't want to try to convince her to stay in the relationship by being controlling with money, nor do you want her to keep overspending from your joint account.
Here is what Vanilla told me... of course every situation is different, so take out what you think is useful.
Quote
I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.
So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy. J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date. Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.
Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.
It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.
This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.
Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.
Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.
The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.
I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.
V
Thanks. Look, she was yelling at me for things that literally supposedly happened 10+ years ago, and trying to tie those into events that are happening now. Stuff that I didn't even remember. The point is, I'm sure she does have a good bit of credit card debt, but who knows how much she exaggerated it (hopefully a lot!).
The reason she brought it up was because i said we decided before not to go to this concert cause tickets were too expensive. She said there's a lot of things we can't afford, which is why she spends all of 'her' money on household expenses, and has to use her cards for everything too.
Now I"m not exactly Warren Buffet, but in my opinion a 3 family household should live at least somewhat comfortable on a combined income over $110,000 a year!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Son actually fell asleep early, so W and I ordered a movie. No R talk at all. It's hard not to initiate anything, but I won't do it. I'd think that she knows I'm here if she has something to say.
One negative is, my W is absolutely beautiful. Naturally, being summer, she walks around in little shorts, tank tops, etc. It's killing me
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Any of the experts have any advice about dealing with the physical attraction aspect of detaching?? Man, these sexy little shorts and outfits are killing me
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I'm also going to assume that I shouldn't tell her something like 'i know you think I'm avoiding conversations, but I'm not, and am here if/when you want to talk'?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well, as I sit thinking, I've pondered a thing or two.
Everyone here talks about the 'fog' the WW or WAS is in. I'm starting to think that's bullshit. Maybe it's the Miller Lite's talking, but I think the fog is with the LBS. Literally one month ago I was pretty content with my life. In that time:
1. W said she wants D. 2. W said she doesn't see a need to work on it, and we have no future 3. W was found to be in, at the very least, an EA with some absolute loser 4. W lied to my face on multiple occassions 5. W has run up an astronomical amount of credit card debt 6. W still doesn't know if it's in HER best interest to stay in the M
I mean, are you f'n kidding me? She's not in a 'fog', I am. Actually forget the fog. I must be out of my gd mind for not breaking into the courthouse to file.
I'm sure I'll feel a tad differently tomorrow, but seriously, I think it's us LBS's that are in the fog
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
