She was borrowing my laptop and I noticed that I left my browser signed in...all of my bookmarks, the history of my browsing, everything...was in her field of view.
I went and calmly asked if she saw anything or clicked on anything like my bookmarks while she had it (she had it for months and all of my browsing history is on there. No porn or anything like that...just webpages on saving the marriage).
So she may have learned you want to save the M. Well I have news for you, she ALREADY knew that. No matter how detached we may think we are in the first few months, it's written all over us that we are desperate to save the M. So she didn't learn anything she didn't already know. The one thing you might want to watch out for though is whether she figured out your ID here, because if she did she may be snooping on your posts on an ongoing basis. It has definitely happened here before and that can undermine your efforts. If you're trying to detach and constantly posting here about what she's saying and doing and she's reading along, then clearly she's going to know you're not at all detached yet.
AS, I saw your message. I'm going to ask the mods to lock my account so that I can't post for fear of further discovery. I'll either create a new account or figure out some other way to keep you all updated.
Thank you all for everything so far.
Wish me luck.
Edit: I can't send job or Cadet the request to lock my account. I hope they can see this and comply with my request. Send me a PM please for further details.
Obviously yesterday was a miserable day for me. I don't know if W is seeing this but to protect myself, I'm just going to say I told her my feelings and why she is pursuing EA and PA with OM. She said I'm assuming a lot of things. I told her that I'm not stupid or oblivious. Her slamming the end call button in the car, her closed door conversations while I'm in the house, her weekends away with OM (while she is in a towel...asks for vinegar and warm water to...clean up a sexual mess I'm assuming) but I did hear her talking to OM while she was in bedroom (didn't tell her the phone sex part), it adds up. I said I understand why she is engaging in an Emotional and Physical relationship with OM. Again, she tries to deny it, but I hold firm. I'm not angry. But I told her I understand. I told her what the MC told me about nourishing. I told her I surrendered. I told her about her yelling "It's over." She denied saying it's over and did not yell it. I clarified and said I heard "It's over", but I did hear that "This is not a romantic relationship." and told her as much. She then told me she is seeing the changes I am working on myself. I did not say anything. Nor did I bring it up. She told me herself. I told her that I'm seeing good changes as well and I'm so happy for her. I also told her that I see the efforts in keeping the house clean and organized...something that I didn't see when we were together and admitted as much.
She then suggested that she I come home and put D4 to bed while she is out of the house. I said I can just come home and W doesn't have to go anywhere. She said that is not a good idea and it would be counter-productive to the progress I have been making. I validated that as well. We hung up the call...ended on a note that did not end up with one of us yelling.
Before I went to sleep, I told her thank you for the conversation. She said "Yep. Have a good night."
Today, all I wanted to do was talk to D4. I called W asking for D4 and she said that she was watching cartoons. I said thanks and hung up. D4 called later, we talked and we hung up at the same time.
Finally W asked me if she wanted to pack for D4 and i trip away. I simply said no. She was offended that I didn't thank her. I thanked her and even though it sounded a little sarcastic, I was sincere. She responded "Perfect". I then clarified that I was not being rude. And that I was busy.
End call. My chest hurts, I'm broken yet again, I speak to a DB coach tomorrow and I want to move out.
What amount of 2x4 will I take to the face for what I did yesterday?
It's (only) been 8 months and I still haven't moved out completely. I have however, started to seriously think D as a viable option. And detaching is in full force today.
How much more can I take? If I stay, I hurt. If I go, I'll hurt just the same.
I don't think you did so bad. I wouldn't discuss the OM with her at all. It seems as if you accept it as OK. If think that, she might too. So cut that out.
Is she still with the OM? Why not go on the trip if he's not around?
I understand all the pain too. Just remember you will have ups and downs, but by detaching you start to limit those down days and not be affected by everything. It will help protect you from the pain. It will help to keep you from pursuing someone who doesn't want you, and in turn make you stronger and more desirable.
Today, use your physical actions to manipulate your feelings. Seriously. Put both hands up in the air like you just hit the game winning home run in the World Series. And yell like you did too. Do that for a couple minutes. Make yourself smile and hold it. You can make yourself feel better and realize that you are in control of your happiness. Part of NGS recovery is letting go of the things you can't control to work on the things you can. You can do this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I don't know how I cannot. She knows how I feel about OM. I reiterated it last night. What I should have done was be a man about it when she kept asking me about returning gifts he gave or fulfilling her needs.
How can it not? Detaching is a slow process I'm sure. I'll probably get something like that when I talk to a coach tomorrow.
Two reasons why I can't go:
1. I have to work. 2. Being with her causes me distress. Even worse when she is texting and calling OM. It's just a recipe for disaster.
I've let go of her and OM's actions. I told her as much last night. Now, I'm going to start seeking my own happiness...with or without her. And yes...D is on the table.
Hi pain. Use the time wisely. You need to detach and GAL. I know it´s hard but to DB efectively you need to asume some postures. Many of us have proverbial posts printed so we can read them everytime we have any doubt. Some of Cadet´s first post links are a must read everyday thing. Take your time to read that as a way to get some anxiety out. Remember it´s a marathon...
You have power coming from your willingness. You need to interact with your W from that position. Cool, calm collected. Getting amoafwl. You must get her respect back.
If you use D as a weapon to put some pressure on the situation it may backfire...You need to be self confident so if you play that card you must keep the position...are you ready for that?
Take your time. There´s a long road ahead.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hi pain. Use the time wisely. You need to detach and GAL. I know it´s hard but to DB efectively you need to asume some postures. Many of us have proverbial posts printed so we can read them everytime we have any doubt. Some of Cadet´s first post links are a must read everyday thing. Take your time to read that as a way to get some anxiety out. Remember it´s a marathon...
You have power coming from your willingness. You need to interact with your W from that position. Cool, calm collected. Getting amoafwl. You must get her respect back.
If you use D as a weapon to put some pressure on the situation it may backfire...You need to be self confident so if you play that card you must keep the position...are you ready for that?
Take your time. There´s a long road ahead.
I am ready for D if it comes to it. I don’t deserve this amount of hurt and pain. I don’t deserve to be away from my house. I don’t deserve to spend only partial time with D4. I don’t deserve the crippling anxiety of this ordeal.
But I also know others here who have experienced what I’m experiencing for far longer than I have. So I’m not alone.
