I really hope it works out for you but did she really go to see an IC? Why was she home late?
Its good that she has apologized tho and you are doing MC. This whole "not sure about us" though is a little worrying and is not a good sign.
I'm sorry to be blunt but you may have to really consider the fact that she could be playing you, lying to you and possibly be still having an A. Expect the worst. My W lied and still lies to me about everything . Flawless lying and its so hard to understand and accept why they would do that, but they do. Just be careful.
What concert is she going to? With you? With a "friend"? Find out..
Keep GALing, the Gym is your friend. It has helped me so much to see more clearly. Acknowledge your faults as I'm sure she points out, apologize ONCE(no more) work on your shortcomings. I know its hard but you're really going to have to detach because overthinking things and trying to have R talks with her is a dead end, unless at MC. You have to be fearless, have balls and not be afraid that what you say or do will upset her. Its the only way you can regain her respect. When you get that back, your M has a chance.
Best of luck.
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
I really hope it works out for you but did she really go to see an IC? Why was she home late?
Its good that she has apologized tho and you are doing MC. This whole "not sure about us" though is a little worrying and is not a good sign.
I'm sorry to be blunt but you may have to really consider the fact that she could be playing you, lying to you and possibly be still having an A. Expect the worst. My W lied and still lies to me about everything . Flawless lying and its so hard to understand and accept why they would do that, but they do. Just be careful.
What concert is she going to? With you? With a "friend"? Find out..
Keep GALing, the Gym is your friend. It has helped me so much to see more clearly. Acknowledge your faults as I'm sure she points out, apologize ONCE(no more) work on your shortcomings. I know its hard but you're really going to have to detach because overthinking things and trying to have R talks with her is a dead end, unless at MC. You have to be fearless, have balls and not be afraid that what you say or do will upset her. Its the only way you can regain her respect. When you get that back, your M has a chance.
Best of luck.
Thanks for the reply! Yes, there is a possibility that she's playing me.
I don't know for sure if she went to IC. And since she probably used a CC to pay for it (or her health insurance), there's no real way to find out I guess.
She's a 'mobile' therapist, and basically meets with families about their troubled teens. Usually in their homes. But these people schedule, cancel, and change their appointments all the time, so Ws schedule is insane. Yes, she could have went out somewhere after her IC appt (she said she had a work appt), but again, no way of knowing for sure. I do believe she was honest about it though.
We haven't been to MC. She just said a few times that she's got two referrals for counselors, a man and a woman. I told her IDC who we go to. I'd probably lean towards the woman, and she seems to lean towards the man.
She's taking our son to Metallica, and they're goign with our friends and their son. Of course OM works for those friends, but it would take balls of epic proportions for OM to be involved whatsoever in those plans.
Anyway, I'm on vacation this week. Supposed to be at the beach. Instead, I'm getting a lot of yard work done. Fun fun!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
"We haven't been to MC. She just said a few times that she's got two referrals for counselors, a man and a woman. I told her IDC who we go to. I'd probably lean towards the woman, and she seems to lean towards the man."
Are you always indecisive like this? Leave these decisions up to her?
"Where should we eat tonight?"
"IDC, anywhere you want."
"I am looking at new curtains, which of these two do you like better?"
"IDC, either one is fine."
Etc?
If so, 180 on that! When women ask a man for his opinion and he doesn't have one, that tells her he doesn't care. I mean, IDC is right in the answer most of the time! So 180 on that. You can give an opinion, without it coming across as being right or wrong.
"Where should we eat tonight?"
"I was thinking we'd go to that steakhouse on West Boulevard."
"I am looking at new curtains, which of these two do you like better?"
"I like both of those, but I think I like the ones on the right better."
This is a huge 180 you can make. Most of the experts on anti-divorce I read after BD were insistent on this one 180. Find that decisiveness, and when she asks your opinion, have one!
Even better, don't wait for her to ask. If you know you two were eating out that night, you initiate. "I was thinking we'd eat at that steakhouse on West Boulevard tonight."
Decisiveness breeds respect. Respect breeds attractiveness. Attractiveness breeds your W falling back in love with you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"We haven't been to MC. She just said a few times that she's got two referrals for counselors, a man and a woman. I told her IDC who we go to. I'd probably lean towards the woman, and she seems to lean towards the man."
Are you always indecisive like this? Leave these decisions up to her?
"Where should we eat tonight?"
"IDC, anywhere you want."
"I am looking at new curtains, which of these two do you like better?"
"IDC, either one is fine."
Etc?
If so, 180 on that! When women ask a man for his opinion and he doesn't have one, that tells her he doesn't care. I mean, IDC is right in the answer most of the time! So 180 on that. You can give an opinion, without it coming across as being right or wrong.
"Where should we eat tonight?"
"I was thinking we'd go to that steakhouse on West Boulevard."
"I am looking at new curtains, which of these two do you like better?"
"I like both of those, but I think I like the ones on the right better."
This is a huge 180 you can make. Most of the experts on anti-divorce I read after BD were insistent on this one 180. Find that decisiveness, and when she asks your opinion, have one!
Even better, don't wait for her to ask. If you know you two were eating out that night, you initiate. "I was thinking we'd eat at that steakhouse on West Boulevard tonight."
Decisiveness breeds respect. Respect breeds attractiveness. Attractiveness breeds your W falling back in love with you.
Haha, I see where you're coming from. It's funny because my W is literally the most indecisive person I've ever met, especially when it comes to restaurants and stuff.
As far as the MCs, I just felt that she would be a much better judge of them. Like, she got into talking about their individual 'theories' and stuff. Crap that is way over my head, but it's her profession, so if she wants to save the M, I figure she'd know better than I who to see?
The only stipulation I had was that whoever we see should be proactive with techniques to work on the MR. As opposed to sitting around for months talking about our childhoods.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well...my inner voyage took me exactly there: my chilhood...
Free your mind and take your time
To neffer's point, be careful with MC to be too impatient as well. It isn't like you have your first MC session and things are immediately better. So lower your expectations. It took months of MC before my W and I started to see real progress from it. To be honest, the fact that I stuck with it and was consistent in going I think made the biggest impact. I have been pretty anti-counseling (for myself, not for others) until my latest sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm not a big MC guy myself. I'm of the belief that people can work out their issues on their own. Obviously I"m probably wrong about that, but it's what I always believed. I think in our sitch it needs to happen though.
I wonder if she's waiting for me to say 'ok, go ahead and schedule the MC appt'? I don't know if she would do it on her own. And I don't want to bring it up, especially since she (I assume) just started IC.
She works late again tonight, and I'm going to a football game tomorrow, so chances are we won't talk till at least friday. Last week during our 'fight' she commented a few times how 'nothing's being accomplished, since we've had no R talks'.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
. Last week during our 'fight' she commented a few times how 'nothing's being accomplished, since we've had no R talks'.
And this is exactly what you want! Nothing being accomplished is better than the wrong thing being accomplished. Go to Kech's thread and read what I just wrote to her about what DBing actually is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Imho it�s better IC for W than MC for you both at this stage of your sitch. You can even join the volunteer fire service night shift or maybe applying for astronaut to avoid that.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
