Thanks for the advice. A weird showdown this afternoon. We both woke up around 10 am. I got our D a bowl of cereal and put on my yard clothes. I figured my GAL would be working on the yard and garage. It may not sound like GAL but I truly love it.
Before the B drop, I was getting the garage ready to do some wood working jobs started. After the B drop I was unmotivated to rearange anything thinking I might not live there very much longer. I started the yard first. Pulling weeds and trimming bushes. Wife came out and asked if I could work on another part of the yard she thought was more important. I told her no and that I had a plan and process to get the yard looking better. A little background on yard work. I've always prided myself with a great yard. My dad tought me as a kid and whenever I'm doing the yard it's a little spiritual time with him since he died years back. W loved the yard and was proud to show friends and family. Intimacy was great.
When W and I were in happier times, I always had the nicest yard on the block. Then she started wanting a certain plant, bush or flowers somewhere in the yard. I had only a small amount of knowledge of plants and flowers. I would start a project for her and she would be planning the next. After a while i couldnt finish a project before she was starting the next. I started to feel like a hired hand and the years suffered due to my lack of knowledge to keep the plants healthy and looking great. Plants and flowers died or over grew. I couldn't keep up and I gave up due to her nagging about the yard looking like crap. She tried to take on the yeard work and i let her. She was worse than i was with her pretty plants. She blamed me because i added anotjer thing she had to worry about and do and i wasnt helping. At the time I was upset and frustrated from the nagging, lack of intimacy and started to argue about I'm not your gardener. We hired a Gardner but that put strain on the finances.
Well she came out and told me she was taking S to shop for some school clothes and I nodded ok. She got me D ready and they both came out to say goodbye. She made a comment about the yard looking way better. There were a few flowers that she planted that i left in a flower bed. She said i could take them out because they never looked loke she had wanted. I gave my D a big hug goodbye and we laghed because she said Daddy your dirty and im clean. Dont get me dirty ok.
My W walked half way towards me and said ok bye and waited for me to meet her halfway to give her a kiss. I said bye and stood there. This challenge came over me. Stand your ground I felt. Hindsight, I should have walked away but I stood there holding me ground. She rolled her eyes and walked up and kissed me goodbye.
Now I know I should have walked away but the challenge was too much to pass up.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
W is looking a vehicles! We are 5k upside down on her beamer now. Now she is looking at Tahoes. We are already stretched thin financially.
A few weeks ago she mentioned going to look at Tahoes. I was caught off guard. I asked her if that was going to be a purchase for her or purchase for us. If it was for her, she can do what she wants, if it's for us, I would rather get a truck for me than get her a more expensive one. She got very angry and said I over think too much. She said we can't afford 3 vehicles.
Am I over thinking? I want to be financially responsible for us and for me of it comes to that. How do I navigate this conversation? Help
Last edited by Stryk2; 08/26/1804:15 PM. Reason: Typps
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Where is she at with moving out? Has she mentioned that to you?
I don't think it would be a great idea to be purchasing vehicles together when your MR is on such shaky ground. And to compound it, it would be a poor financial decision? I dunno about that. You can have decide your boundary here, and it sounds like you have started already.
Her coming to you to get a kiss was a positive sign. I wouldn't make her come to you every time but you shouldn't go to her every time either.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She hasn't talked about moving out. I think I wrote about walking in the house and she was looking at a rental property management site. We haven't had a R talk in weeks. I don't bring it up and neither does she.
The last time we discussed the Tahoe it brought up the R talk which she did not like. We traded in her other Tahoe because it was too expensive. She thinks buying used will be cheaper. It would but not much at all.
Working on the garage last night and she brought me ice cream. Today she made me lunch. I think she is buttering me up for the Tahoe talk. All the other moms have them.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
We have always purchased vehicles as individuals. I couldn't tell you why. We just always have. So the purchase of a Tahoe would be under her name. I think it would be difficult for her to pay for the Tahoe and gas with her salary alone a long with rent and experiences with her spending habits.
If we were going to work on R, I would buy an old truck. If we are going to separate, I would buy a newer one. She knows that. She's making brownies now. She never bakes.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
She definitely could be buttering you up. Ultimately you can't stop her but some of the vets will be chiming in tonight or tomorrow morning.
My WW is driving a new Yukon Denali. She definitely doesn't want to get rid of her vehicle but of course she doesn't want to pay for it herself either. Sounds like you're in the same boat.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
While i was GAL in the garage, W sent me a selfie with D. Said D was getting fussy. She hasnt sent me a picture with her in it in a long time.
S came home and was talking to W and I. He mentioned something about school and an appointment he was excited about. Then he said enthusiastically and your guys anniversary too.
From what I've read on other posts is there a rule here? Just buy a generic card and only give it if she gives one? No personalized note right? Or does someone have a generic note to put on the card? We are a week away from our anniversary.
After GAL I came in and showered. Sat on the couch and D wanted to play. We played and I was exhausted. Told D to lay down with me so I could take a nap. W said, I was going to put on our shows! D was about to lay down so we played while W put on a show we watch.
Our D had a hard time falling asleep so W went to bed without the usual goodnight. I haven't cooked all weekend. I doubt I'll cook tomorrow since I didn't buy meat this weekend due to GAL. W made microwave lasagna tonight since I was in the garage.
GAL does keep my mind busy but also takes time from D. Gonna have to figure out a good balance. I'm having a he'll of a time waking up. Feels like I'm not sleeping and im getting about 7 hrs a night. Emotionally exhausted all the time.
Going to Doc on Wed to run blood tests. I got a vitamin B12 shot last week due to being tired all the time.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
A generic card is fine, the problem is they are hard to find that are overly mushy and gooey. Personally, in most sitches, I think acknowledging it with a simple "Happy Anniversary" is sufficient. You acknowledge it, but you don't put any pressure or pursuit on. Think about what you think she will probably do. Most of the time the WAW/WW will do nothing, so just acknowledging it is enough.
On the Tahoe, let her do what she wants. It sounds like that is the way you've always done it. Just do nothing to help. Do not give her money for a down payment, do not cosign, and certainly do not help her pay for it after the fact. This goes back to trying to control her. You can't so don't even try, it always ends badly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W DBd me 8 days before our 10 yr. I bought a card, but never gave it to her. The only acknowledgment from either of us was a text she sent saying something like 'don't think i'm ignoring our anniversary, it's just weird now'.
So for me, I got a card, but would only give it to her if she gave me one first. She didn't, so into the trash it went
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
