Man I wish I could tell that there was an easy way to deal with this stuff. But there isn't. I know everything was a huge blow early on. Almost a month after BD I found her online dating profile with a full picture and description. Which means she had paid for an account. It stung so bad. This was just days after she came to me tearfully saying she knew God hated divorce, and that she wanted to want to stay.
It was like I told another poster the other day. When WWs start to feel like they are moving back towards their LBH they'll often rebel and do something to prove to themselves, and to him, that they still plan to divorce. This meme may be that she was starting to doubt her decision. So she had to do something to reinforce it to herself, as well as you and whomever else might see the meme.
Remember, the WW is a roller-coaster of emotions too. I can tell you this, when I really started to detach well was when she would come running back to the MR. When I confronted her on the dating profile I didn't go in and cry and be sad, and ask her why. I told her I had found it, and that if she had an ounce of respect for me, and if she cared an iota for our D, she would take it down immediately. That anyone we knew (we hadn't told a soul about our problems) could find that, and that any of our D's classmates' families could find that. I was firm, almost angry, and asked her if that was really how she wanted her D to find out she was divorcing me. (It said right in the description that I was trying to salvage the marriage but that she was done, and would only be able to chat with people right now, but could date once the D was final.)
It is really 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes 1 step forward, 2 back. But you've got to try to let it go. The more you react the more you show her that she is right in her decision. The less you react the more she will question the decision. It is a weird dynamic but it does work. If you do react, react without any fear or sadness. Be firm and resolved. It was some of the best advice I ever got to go home and confront her over the dating profile with toughness.
That night she came to me and told me she had removed the profile and that she was sorry she hadn't really thought it through when she put it up.
Of course, I found out a couple weeks later that she was messaging guys on the dating site anyway, and sending them the picture privately. Like I said, 1 step forward, 2 back.................
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Don't try to predict the future, and reread the homework threads. The biggest thing in my sitch that helped was listening and validating. Make sure you have a few validation phrases down.
And remember not to believe anything she says and only half of what she does. That way you aren't built up a ton or let down a ton.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
While i was outside getting BBQ ready, W started the side dishes then asked for advice on how to prepare them. Burned both. S told her she couldn't cook and to leave it to me.
Part of me thinks she is trying to show herself she can be independent and be able to cook for them without me.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Thanks for the advice. I didn't react. She came home and told me that she had found some fire pit glass on sale. We have a fire pit and have always talked about getting glass for it. I just kept working in the garage and started to BBQ.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Tonight W told me what her schedule was for tomorrow and Wednesday. Normally, she tells me she needs me to be here at a certain time to watch her D while she is at S school sports meetings. I used to go to these but they were incredibly boring and our D couldn't sit threw them.
I'm just posting to post. I don't expect feedback.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Man, I've had a hard time today. Worked on the computer after D went to sleep. All I wanted to do was grab my wife, hug, kiss and tell her I loved her. I did not. She is watching numb TV (what we call dumb shows) and not on her phone. Seems to be just passing time until bed.
She went to brush her teeth and I got up to look out the window in the kitchen with a glass of water She returned for our nightly good night, and noticed I wasn't where I was when she left. I saw her through the kitchen and she stood there and said a sad goodnight. I replied with a "night". She did a military about face and went to bed. I walked back to the office and looked into the bedroom. She didn't get on her phone like she normally does and went straight to sleep.
I'm only at page 80. I literally read a page or two at a time due to our schedules. Can someone please put the books into digital format!!
I don't know what I'm doing. I can only go from rules and what I'm reading on these blogs.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
She went to brush her teeth and I got up to look out the window in the kitchen with a glass of water She returned for our nightly good night, and noticed I wasn't where I was when she left. I saw her through the kitchen and she stood there and said a sad goodnight. I replied with a "night". She did a military about face and went to bed. I walked back to the office and looked into the bedroom. She didn't get on her phone like she normally does and went straight to sleep.
Too much focus on her. Her actions. Her words. Go read wrote to Terapin this morning. The WAS many times is struggling and going through as much pain as the LBS is. LBS just do not see it, and think all the WAS has to do is change their mind and everything will go back to normal. However, it is rarely that simple.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve. I needed that. I have a plan for tonight to spend some time with D while S & W are at meeting. Then its home to GAL after D goes to sleep. Thank you again Steve!
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
