Husband cheated, trying 180

[kech]

Steve85,

I know you are right. I just dont want to continue a cycle of kicking him out and what comes with that. If we take "kicking him out" off the table for now, because I am not there yet, can I still do Sandi's 37 rules and make a possible change in things? I am reading into "going dark" now as well.

Also, would it be smart to ask him if he is seeing someone else, or is that a bad move? I know it goes against Sandi's 37 rules, which I would really like to emulate.

Its not that I am trying to be "nice" to him by any means, it is more that I am trying to seem indifferent and as if I do not care what he is doing. I am not necessarily nice to him. When he came home last night he brought me dessert, and I said thank you but also said "Im putting the baby in bed soon". He was annoyed with me for saying that, but im no longer keeping her up later just so she can see him.

I want to continue acting as if I do not care. I want to let him do whatever it is he wants to do, give him the space he needs, and I want to GAL and show him im not really concerned with the decisions he is making. Thats what I have been trying to do the last 3 weeks. I wasnt looking at it as being "nice" as much as looking at it as being indifferent. I know that people in here have done all of these things while having the spouse live in the home, so what is it that I can do to do that, set boundaries, etc. Any suggestions?

[SteveLW]

Kech, again, you are forgetting that this more of a tough love scenario. You are trying to apply techniques others have used in completely different circumstances in their sitches. And I am not even talking about kicking him out. At least you still have him on the couch. At least keep that boundary up, as well as no sex. Again, do not put your own health at risk.

[kech]

Yes, sex is definitely off the table, I just dont know what I can do to show him I am putting up boundaries. He gets home later in the evening and has always been drinking. I dont think he notices what I do and dont do anymore. Does that make sense? Like I dont know if he would even notice if I was out all day doing things because he is not here, nor does he really ask.

[kech]

How can I say to him, I am sick of you coming home drunk everynight at whatever time you want, when right now he doesnt even want to be with me? Like how do I put boundaries up and try to control the situation, when he already wants to get away from me which is why he is distancing himself every day

[SteveLW]

Don't say it. Show it. Put the baby in bed before he gets home. Be in bed when he gets home. Do not do anything that enables it from him.

Action works better, not words. If you make changes that do not cater to him he will feel it. He'll eventually bring it up. Be ready with validation statements, but do not get into a tit-for-tat.

[kech]

Steve85,

That was SUCH a helpful response. Those are things I can absolutely do starting immediately. I have been thinking that showing and not telling is what I would like to do, it is just very hard to show things when he is barely around to view them. But I guess thats also where patience comes in and in time maybe he will notice.

I will say my biggest fear is that he is seeing another woman and he will fall in love with someone else while I am giving him all this freedom, that is where I become afraid. Afraid that I am allowing him to have his cake and eat it too and he will slowly fall for someone else while viewing me in this different light. But I also have no choice but to give him his freedom, its whether I allow him to live here or not while doing it.

But I have been keeping note of when he comes home, just for my own knowledge. Because I do know that if he continues living this way I will ask him to leave in the next week or 2, and I will have his lifestyle to back me in it. There is no reason for him to sleep here on the couch when he isnt even seeing his daughter. So I will see how the next week goes and go from there.

There are things he has promised to get done around the house and he has not followed through, are these things I should just start to do on my own? I am sick of waiting for him to do them and I am ABSOLUTELY not going to nag him like I used to when our marriage was good. Should I just begin getting these things done myself? I know he will notice that and most likely be annoyed with me for doing it but I am capable of getting some of these things done myself and maybe I should.

Thanks in advance, you have been so helpful

[Ready2Change]

H, I am not willing to live in an open marriage, when you are seeing other woman I feel disrespected and believe it is best if we do not behave like we are happily married. I would prefer to work on the marriage, but your current behaviour is not what I desire in a H. I want a H that wants to spend time with his family and experience fun things together. A H that wants to take care of his family. A H that loves me through the hard times and wont bail when things get rough. A H that will fight for his family. A H that doesn’t have to be in the bar 7 days a week. A H who is HONEST"

You are doing this very well. Would you like to continue working on this boundary?

The more I do this, the more I see just how badly I am being treated by him.

You are developing your statement(s) to him you can use when the appropriate time comes.

We get along very well right now

Please elaborate....

I don’t want to be cold to him or cause drama, I just don’t want any of this to be happening. UGH

We understand. It is not about being cold. It is not about causing drama. It is about changing the way you are interacting. It is about the way you are communicating. It is about gaining self respect.

[Ready2Change]

I am ABSOLUTELY not going to nag him like I used to when our marriage was good. Should I just begin getting these things done myself? I know he will notice that and most likely be annoyed with me for doing it but I am capable of getting some of these things done myself and maybe I should.

Absolutely do them yourself. Happily. No Nagging. Celebrate the accomplishment.

Many options, this may work as well:

You can make this statement:
"H, I plan on (task here) tomorrow evening (state the time he should be home after work) and would like your help."

[Ready2Change]

I went out today and bought myself new bedding for the bedroom, I also decided on a whim to paint the bathroom vanity and redo the bathroom. These are things I always used to do and have always loved doing

Good for you! Keep doing things like this.

But I think im just going to handle it myself. Borrow my brothers truck and pick it up myself. He will come home and see it here and realize I did it on my own.

I am back and forth on this. It may be better to let him know you plan and let him know you would appreciate his help at the same time....

[Ready2Change]

would it be smart to ask him if he is seeing someone else, or is that a bad move?

Bad move. Setting your boundary will give you the information you seek. You have time to work out all the details. Part of that may me surprising him with a "Please give me your phone. Please give me your password". If he is unwilling to be transparent, you have your answer.