You are Plan B. If he can't find a Plan A or if all other options fall through he thinks he come back, clean up his act, and keep you.
At some point you have to show him HE HAS LOST YOU. Not that "he will lose me(you)". As long as you are still there he thinks he can save it and there is no urgency. Read lost8's latest update.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He just sent me a text saying "I will be off work before you Friday".
I know he is sending me this because I asked him to watch the baby friday night if I go out with friends. But here I am analyzing why he would text me that? I dont know why he felt the need to tell me he will be off work Friday earlier than me, and it also makes me mad because he runs his own company and pretty much makes his own work schedule, so why all of a sudden is he making that decision when every other day hes "working" so much, and has worked the last 2 weekends and already told me he is working this coming weekend.
It makes no sense. It makes me feel like he has something planned and is trying to get his ducks in a row. I responded and said "Ok cool. Could you hang with the baby while I get ready for the evening?" and he responded "ya I will be there before 5."....
Its SO strange. He comes home every night at like 8pm, I know he goes to the bar after work. Why all of a sudden is he telling me ahead of time he will be home early? He is either trying to be extra nice because I am pulling away or he is planning something. Sometimes I dont understand why he does things like this. He hasnt reached out to me via text much at ALL recently during the work day, and all of a sudden today, its only Tuesday, he texts to tell me he will be off work early Friday..when really I wont even be leaving the house until 7:30 so Im not sure why it matters.
I hate this. I hate that I analyze every single text he sends. I hate that I want to figure it all out, it drives me insane. I just feel like he is doing that for a reason. Yes, its possible he is doing it to be nice and give me a heads up, but it is doubtful. He is self serving lately, I really cant help but feel like he has something else planned. Like he is going to do something between then and now or he is going to do something Saturday or Sunday and not come home. I feel like he is plannig something with another woman.
When we FIRST separated back in April, after a few days of sleeping on the couch, he didnt come home one night. I didnt ask him where he was or anything, he had been working late nights and I didnt think anything of it. He sent me a text the day after he didnt come home and he said "I have off Wednesday and want the baby."....mind you, we had been on decent terms, it was such a strange text and i responded and said ok sounds good. Come to find out, he was down where she lives staying for 2 nights and was going to come back Wednesday and wanted to have the baby for the day. I was FURIOUS. FURIOUS. We had literally JUST decided 2 days prior that we were going to try a separation. It was so unbelievably hurtful, and yet I still took the high road. I told him I knew he was there and that I wasnt going to argue about it but that we need to stay on good terms for the baby's sake and just continue making decisions in her best interest.
He came home that Wednesday 3 hours later than he said he would, we argued, I told him I wanted a week completely away from him, and he left for the bar and I didnt hear from him for like 2 days. In my opinion we are in a much different place now, but maybe thats because I just dont know as much as I knew back then. I have stepped back and let him has freedom and space and he has made the decision to be home every night.
I know that me GAL has an affect on him, he has told me it does and has said things like "do you think I dont worry when you go out with your friends? of course i do"....But it seems like everytime I decide to do something that may make him slightly uncomfortable, he pulls away even more in an almost angry way or something. And he isnt being angry right now, but I just cant help but feel like something is up. Like he is planning something now that he knows im going to go out friday night.
OR he is just being nice and realizes he is home late every night and is confirming to me that he will be home at a reasonable time friday to be with the baby.
Am I insane? Ifeel like i have ptsd from all of these things. It is SO hard for me to pull away. So hard. But I will say that in the past, during all of this, everytime I have pulled away, he has noticed and has pushed forward. I just always end up taking that push forward and running with it and scaring him off. I think with my short texts to him last night he felt me pulling away, and saying im going out friday night maybe.
Or maybe im just wrong and he doesnt care and hes glad im going out and he will spend the whole night talking to another woman. I sound insane so ill stop here.
You are Plan B. If he can't find a Plan A or if all other options fall through he thinks he come back, clean up his act, and keep you.
At some point you have to show him HE HAS LOST YOU. Not that "he will lose me(you)". As long as you are still there he thinks he can save it and there is no urgency. Read lost8's latest update.
Thanks Steve, I actually JUST started reading Lost8's story. I am on page 2 I believe. I will keep reading, thank you!
I hate to think I could be his plan B. It just seems so crazy when I was always his first priority in life. But I know you are right. Do you have anymore suggestions how to show him he has lost me, similar to what you said yesterday? You mentioned putting the baby in bed and being in bed when he gets home. I tried that last night, gave her a very early bath, had her fed and ready for bed and he walked in earlier than I expected. I will try again tonight. Anything else I can do in my actions to show this?
Stop making him dinner. Stop doing his laundry. ILYBIANILWY and OW means he essentially fired you as his W. So stop doing the things his W would do for him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, do not be sad, or mopey or weepy around him. When he starts questioning why he isn't getting dinner, or his clothes aren't washed, firmly tell him. "Those are things your W would do for you. You've made it clear you don't want me as your W anymore."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you. I do continue to make dinner and it is always enough that theres some left for him when he gets home. I should stop. I have stopped this week doing his laundry. But these are also things that he asked me to stop doing for him a while back. When this all started we talked about it and he told me not to do those things for him, as we were separated. But then 2 days later he would text me and say "Hey im picking up dinner to cook us tonight", and the lines would be blurred all over again.
Now here is a question I need answered and I dont even think I thought about it until now. I have been trying to do SO many different things, I dont think I even know which way to go. I have been trying Sandi's 37 rules, but in them it says to be upbeat around H. So that is what I have tried to do, but where I struggle in this is if I am trying to detach and pull away, being upbeat around him seems impossible.
How do I pull away but remain upbeat? How do I detach and continue acting as if I dont care what hes doing, but be friendly while doing it? Sandi's rules seem like I should be friendly, upbeat, my goofy self in his presence, but then I also know I need to detach and not give him much of me. I think thats where I get so lost in all of this. One day im myself, goofy, laughing, being upbeat, and the next im more quiet trying to pull away..
Also, did you read my posts about the texts? Do you think they are anything to think about or do I just let that go and see what comes in the coming days?
I want to pull away and i want him to notice I am pulling away, but I dont want to come off as angry or weepy or mad.
Detaching and remaining upbeat and pleasant is an art, no question. The way I did it was to always have a song in my heart. It's whistle it or sing it. But it was for me not her. She wasn't a focus of it. If she talked to me I answered if it required a response. If not I listened and validated.
The key is to remain upbeat for you. Not him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A song is a good way to do it, I will try that thank you.
I feel sad because I feel like at this point, we are on decent terms, if I were to say to him I think you should get your own place, I think he would agree.
And that makes me extremely sad. I feel like he has been distancing himself this past week and he knows the baby will always connect us, and part of me feels like thats good enough for him. Or that he thinks it is anyway.
I asked if he could stay with the baby while I go to an appointment Thursday evening and he said "of course". Which is a pretty typical response from him. I think I am thinking too much about all of this, it is consuming me. I am starting to think he is so happy in his life, and I am just absolutely miserable day in and day out until I see him.
Is it even possible to get your H back after almost a year of this? (I need hope here so please keep that in mind ) I know he loves me, I know he is attracted to me, I know he thinks I am a good mom. I want him to be impressed by me, look at me and think wow, I cant let her go. Thats how he used to be about me. Now its like I dont even know who I am anymore. I want to get him back so bad, but I want him to WANT that. I dont want to bring him back through guilt, or bc of the baby, or any other reason other then him TRULY wanting to be married to me again and have our life together.
I dont understand how just a few weeks ago I was feeling so good and so confident and now all of a sudden the last week I have just felt like absolute crap. Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like I will never come out of this and he will just continue on his happy life as if he didnt throw a bomb on mine and walk away.
I wish I could say to him "if you are seeing someone else, you cant live here. You know that right?". I know it would absolutely piss him off, but if he is seeing someone else then he shouldnt be living here. I would think thats common sense but I know he views himself as single right now.
) I know he loves me, I know he is attracted to me, I know he thinks I am a good mom. I want him to be impressed by me, look at me and think wow, I cant let her go. Thats how he used to be about me. Now its like I dont even know who I am anymore. I want to get him back so bad, but I want him to WANT that. I dont want to bring him back through guilt, or bc of the baby, or any other reason other then him TRULY wanting to be married to me again and have our life together.