Husband cheated, trying 180

[Ready2Change]

Also, do not be sad, or mopey or weepy around him. When he starts questioning why he isn't getting dinner, or his clothes aren't washed, firmly tell him. "Those are things your W would do for you. You've made it clear you don't want me as your W anymore."

THIS ^^^^^

[Ready2Change]

Hi Kech,

I am glad you are posting all your details. Keep it up.

[Ready2Change]

I’m sure everyone fears this, but it could be the biggest mistake I ever make couldn’t it?

It could. We want the best for you and your baby. There are so many choices. Hopefully we are giving you more options than you would have doing this on your own.

Nuggets of gold from past wise DBers:

Realize there are ZERO perfect decisions. Every situation is in a state of flux. Things change from one moment to the next. In a simplified way life is about:

1) Assess a situation
2) Assess your options
3) Weigh the consequences of each option
4) Make a decision
5) Execute that decision
6) Live with the consequences of that decision (good OR bad)
7) Go back to step 1.

In every situation, operate from a basis of what is the right thing to do in this situation? Rather than ""How will he react if I do thus-and-such? Or will he be mad/angry/defensive? Or " what makes him act nice towards me? Or how will his reaction make me feel?"

[kech]

Thanks guys, I have definitely worked on not being sad, mopey or weepy around him. I have been completely successful in this accept for Sunday morning when I walked away from him and cried in my room and he saw me for a second. Im sure that set me back.

It is so hard. Its like I just go on pretending that this is ok, hoping that he will change. I know I can only control myself so I will continue controlling my reactions to him and trying to pull away while being upbeat. (seems near impossible).

I have another question for everyone. As I have stated, the OW he was seeing lived out of town. Since then I know they have seen one another, he has gone there, and I also believe they have met other places. His job sometimes has him go to other cities, but when we were FIRST working on R, he refused to go out of town, as he knew it made me uncomfortable and we had just had the baby. So I do know it is possible for him to not go.

In the beginning of this month he went out of town for work, and I am about 90% sure he saw her. Although he said he was going to another city, I am pretty positive he went and saw her. But since then, he has not left to go out of town. But I do know that it will happen again and I think at this point it is really not something I am willing to accept.

I do not KNOW if he would be seeing her, but it is something I cannot deal with. I know this is something that will cause a huge problem for him if I were to voice that. He would say I am being controlling and its his "job", etc etc, but I KNOW he has options. I know we are not working on R right now and we are not a "couple" at the moment, but I do feel like if he were to tell me he has to go out of town, I would most likely inform him I am not ok with it.

WHat are your suggestions on this? Am I supposed to just act like I dont care and let him go and say nothing? Or is there a way I can successfully get that point across should it come up?

I have to control my emotions on that front, because just THINKING about it gets me worked up and makes me want to tell him that if he goes anywhere he is not welcome back in our home.

A little background on us, when it comes to arguments, he is the yeller. I am the one who normally becomes silent after he says so much mean stuff and I usually walk away. He ends up feeling bad a lot of the times for things he says and will apologize, and sometimes he wont.

Our last argument was the end of July. He left one Friday morning for work and didnt come home until 2am, no communication to me whatsoever. His dad was staying with us at the time, trying to get back on his feet. I was FUMING that he didnt even text me to tell me he was going out or that he would be home that late. When he got in the house and got into bed I couldnt keep my cool and I went off. I told him it was so disrespectful that he didnt at least contact me to say he would be out late and wouldnt be home to help with the baby, etc. I told him it was so rude that he cant even communicate with the mother of his child about these things while living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed (at the time). I said if this is the life you want then have it, just dont come back to this house after!

I said that repeatedly, and basically told him he could leave. He went and slept on the couch after our argument and then left early the next morning and texted asking when he could come get his stuff. I told him a time and he never went and got anything. The next day he came over and helped with the baby so I could get some sleep and he ended up staying over on the couch. The next morning was Monday and we both went to work.

I looked at the OW facebook page and got worked up, I dont even remember why, and I called him to meet me at the house to talk. I walked in the door and he was doing stuff around the house and I said to him "how long after I kicked you out did you contact her?" he immediately got pissed and said NO ONE IS TALKING TO THAT B***H. I cant believe you called me for this! Im not talking to her, and now Im out of the house! Im done doing things here for you, its all yours" We continued arguing and he said a bunch of really mean stuff to me and I walked away and shut the bedroom door and I could tell he calmed down a bit bc then he yelled "of course I am going to continue doing things here for you. I will never stop doing that. You know I wont." He then left after a bit and I stayed in the room.

He texted me immediately and said "This has to end. You are not patient enough and you will never believe im not talking to this girl"..then he apologized to me for the stuff he said. He texted me a few more times after that and I didnt respond to any of it. He texted me again the next morning asking when he could see the baby, and I finally answered and said he could see her that night bc I had to go somewhere. He again apologized for the things he said and he said none of it was true and I didnt deserve to have those things said to me. I thanked him for the apology and that was that.

He came that night and watched the baby and ended up staying over on the couch. He went out of town for work the next 2 nights "supposedly". He texted me the first night he was away, when he was going to bed, but the next day I didnt hear from him at all, which killed me. I texted him the next day and just said I hope youre having a good day.....This was something I would NEVER normally do, but I was trying to reach out and be friendly in hopes of pulling a 180 there and surprising him. He was receptive and responded saying "Thanks hope you are too. Im working hard trying to get back there". Then that night he texted me asking if me and the baby were home and if he could come see her.

Basically he has been staying here ever since. So nothing was discussed really, its just kind of been how it is the last month. And I think I feel so disconnected bc there is no talk of anything, there is no arguing, there is just pleasantries for the short time we are around eachother and thats it.

I know it takes time, I know I have to detach and SHOW him I am detaching, but I think feeling so little connection is what kills me. Even though I know we should not be intimate, it of course excited me when he was initiating that, after he hadnt in SO long, and now he hasnt for over 2 weeks and it makes me sad. When he texted me last night in bed I thought he was going to, but he didnt.

I am so afraid of us losing EVERYTHING, our connection, our passion, all of it, while in this phase of me trying to pull away, etc. I need to remain consistent and I Dont plan to mess up, it is just hard and anything from you guys helps a lot.

Thanks!

[kech]

I would do anything to turn back time and to have told him to leave the moment I saw a text from OW back in December when I was pregnant. I think had I kicked him out and STUCK to it, he would have been able to see that he missed ME. Now that we have the baby he is always texting me asking when he can see her, so I think in his mind it is more about her than me, which is totally understandable.

Everytime I would make him leave he would apologize immediately and come back to the house the next day wanting to talk and saying he couldnt be away while I was pregnant, etc.

Then when I kicked him out in June, we left on very sad terms, we hugged and he gave me a kiss and he finally said things he hadnt said. Things like he had a guilty conscious and he wishes he had never entertained another woman. And that he was sorry and it was all his fault. It was like finally opened his eyes to the things he had done. I told him I needed time away from him and for him to get his things when I wasnt there and just give me some time. I told him I didnt want him to become a mess because I felt like he would. And He did become a mess, texting me nonstop. The 3rd day was when he really wouldnt stop texting me. He said he was nervous I wasnt going to let him see the baby and I told him he never needs to be nervous about that because I will never do that. He told me he was going to start giving me money every week for the mortgage and bills and he was going to handle all of the things at the house he had been needing to get done. And he asked me if I wanted a divorce and said that he didnt. Then he said he was terrified. I told him he didnt need to be terrified because I would always make sure him and the baby would have a relationship and i would never take her from him. He responded "im not just terrified about that, Im terrified about all of this. I have never been so scared in my life."

I didnt respond and he wrote back saying "i know this isnt your problem, im sorry. Have a good night".

It was breaking me to see him like that, when really thats ALL i want from him right now. Is to fear losing me. The next night I ended up asking him if he wanted to come somewhere with the baby and I, he did, we stayed the night together, and within 2 days he was staying back at the house and the cycle repeated.

And now here I am 2 months later, WISHING SO BADLY I had stuck to that and maybe we would be in a much different place right now. Because now I feel like he is just happy as a clam, and would be whether im in his life or not.

DETACH DETACH DETACH DETACH. I need to pull away, I need to GAL, I need to not spend time with him when he gets home each night.

I am going out friday with friends for the first time in forever. Sometimes I feel like he takes that and runs with it, like oh shes going to go out now so I can stay out even later the next night....But I guess I need to stop thinking about what HES thinking or doing. Just so hard

[SteveLW]

He has been manipulating you all along. I hate to be blunt but it is true. Look up pursuit - distance dynamic. This is classic. You kick him out, he gets sad puppy dog eyes and you let him back. Then he goes back to poor behavior once he gets what he wants.

No one likes to be manipulated, especially by people that are supposed to love, care and take care of them. But unfortunately WS are more than capable of it. Beyond selfish doesn't scratch the surface of what they really are.

[Ready2Change]

There is a time and place for every piece of advise. A wise person can determine when to apply every piece of advise. It has been my observation that almost everyone supporting me has said: “Focus on me and the children and set my spouse free”. I challenge myself again to determine my goals and the steps I am taking toward them. I realize that I have NO control over my spouse's actions. I do have control over mine.

What are your current goals? What are the first steps you can take toward each?

[kech]

So what do I do in order to ever stop that? This was never part of our relationship. We have had such a great relationship, hes such a great man, I dont even know how things have changed SO drastically.

What do I do to turn the tables. I want to be pursued by him and be strong enough to not give in right away like I had been. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME

[kech]

Ready2Change,

My current goal is to reconcile my marriage. Or at the very least have him more interested in being part of my life. He seems completely UNinterested to spend any time with me. And it is devastating.

Other goals are obviously to GAL and DETACH and do these things in an effort to bring him back, which I know doesnt work. They have to be for ME.

[SteveLW]

So what do I do in order to ever stop that? This was never part of our relationship. We have had such a great relationship, hes such a great man, I dont even know how things have changed SO drastically.

What do I do to turn the tables. I want to be pursued by him and be strong enough to not give in right away like I had been. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME

You may not be ready for this but how about sitting him down and saying:

"I've decided that I am not happy living this way. I deserve better. I want you out by the end of tomorrow. I need to move on with my life and find someone that values me and cares about me."

When he starts saying he loves you and values you and cares about you your response is: "I understand that is what you say, however, your actions show me something completely different."

Then listen and validate from there.