Husband cheated, trying 180

[Ready2Change]

I just had a talk with him. I told him that I feel like I am in this alone and I am sick of it. I said that I know he is in the bar 7 days a week and if thats how he wants to live his life then he should, and i'm not stopping him, but that Its not what I want. I said I want someone who wants to spend time with their family and someone I can talk to and rely on.

Good Job!

He promised to communicate with me better and said he will start to schedule times with me and tell me when he will be out and he will limit it to 1 night a week.

Hold him to this.

[kech]

I can ALREADY see how this will be turned on me. ALREADY. He will say im trying to control him and he needs to move out. I can see it coming from a mile away. And at that point I will just say do what you gotta do.

No more mind reading. It does not help the sitch.

Youre right, it doesnt. I continuously do this and it makes me feel insane.

GAL shouldnt be hard for me so I dont know why I am having such a hard time. One of my husbands biggest complaints was that I always had stuff planned for every weekend for us. There were always things to do and places to go, and now all of a sudden I dont want to do anything.

But Thursday night I am going to go get myself pampered a bit and Friday night I will be having a girls night out with my friends. Those are good starts.

Another thing he said to me, when I said I want someone who wants to go do things with me and the baby, he said he doesnt know what I mean because he has done what I WANT TO DO for 8 years and now he wants to do what he wants to do....and I was like okay then we could do somehting YOU want to do, I dont care WHAT we do. I just want to DO THINGS with the 3 of us. And he said okay.

I did also tell him he can do things with the baby on his own, and he laughed and said he doubts it, as if I wont let him bc once he asked months ago and I got upset. And I said "H, listen to me. That was months ago, You have to remember I was pregnant, then I had a newborn, and weve been on the rollercoaster all the way through. Things are different now. I feel like we are in a pretty steady place. If you wanted to take her somewhere, you could! You never ask."

I told him he never asks to do anything, he just always goes to the bar. I was like "After work, you could easily say to me Hey, lets go grab a drink, or lets go do this with the baby!" its like you just automatically get off work and go to the bar bc you dont want to be home.

And he said he only goes there because im not home and hes not going to come sit at home alone. And I said no, thats not true., Youre there later. And again THAT IS FINE if thats the life you want. It just isnt for me.

And I asked him if he is okay, I said if he felt like he needed to talk to me about anything, bc sometimes I feel like he is maybe going through something and masking it. And he said he is ok. He said business is really hard right now, etc.

A little more of the mind reading, but I know he is going to be annoyed with me after this talk. And he is going to start doing things as if I am controlling him. But hopefully with time he will stop putting all the blame on me. Im not telling him what to do. I am stating facts and saying what I want. I do hate that now he will probably come home in angry moods because he doesnt want to be here and would rather be at the bar.

That I dont want. He mentioned that the living situation will eventually change bc he cant be on the couch forever but we both said we didnt want to talk about that right now. And I am fine with that because I dont. I am not ready to tell him to leave. I want him to make an effort, and if he doesnt then I will go from there. It is hard when he is being very honest and telling me flat out, I do not want to work on our marriage, but then sometimes he does things that make me feel like he DOES want to.

Do you guys think this was a good conversation we had? Is this a good time for me to jump into GAL. Now him and I will HOPEFULLY have more communication, he will be home to help with the baby more and maybe that will allow me to not feel so alone in it all.

I dont know, feed back is welcome

[Ready2Change]

....I am going to go get myself pampered a bit ....I will be having a girls night out with my friends.

Good things.

[Ready2Change]

....he has done what I WANT TO DO for 8 years and now he wants to do what he wants to do....and I was like okay then we could do something YOU want to do, I don't care WHAT we do. I just want to DO THINGS with the 3 of us. And he said okay.

Hold him to this. Make him responsible for the planning.

Negotiate to do something you BOTH want to do.

H: I want pizza
W, Pizza doesn't sound good tonight. How about burgers? We could do pizza this weekend.
H: I had burgers for lunch, how about take out Chinese?
W: Sound wonderful.

Rule: If the other persons suggestion is not what you want, you are responsible for offering an alternative.

[kech]

Ready2Change,

Thank you for your feedback. I have a question. Since we are not actively working on our marriage, and we may be heading towards a physical separation, do we still have a chance?

He sleeps on the couch yes, and he did mention that wont last forever, as in him getting his own place. Which literally kills me inside. And now after this talk I am so afraid he is going to see this as me trying to control him, when I tried to make it very clear that isnt what I was doing. He even said at the end, you dont have to explain yourself I get it. I need to do more. (meaning like for the baby, etc)

The talk was not conducive to us as a "couple" by any means, but as far as my expectations for him as a father and a coparent I think it was good. I just dont want him to take this as me trying to tell him how to live his life because its what I want. I want him to be held responsible for the choices he is making, and if i continue to just let it go on and say nothing, then I end up living in misery.

I want him to be an active part of our lives, even if that isnt romantically. I am terrified I just pushed him away with this discussion and now I am second guessing what I did.

[Ready2Change]

Since we are not actively working on our marriage, and we may be heading towards a physical separation, do we still have a chance?

I do not want to give you false hope, but I absolutely believe you can turn this around. I have seen it both ways. People do crazy amount of personal growth work and there spouse never comes around. Others do less personal growth, but the spouse comes around.

This is a defining point in your life. Focus on personal growth. Learn as much as you can. Either way you will come out the other end a healthier person.

[Ready2Change]

This is from someone that "fixed" their marraige....Rememeber that there is a lot to be fixed. This is one part....

Transparency." This means exactly what it implies -- if you are to rebuild your marital trust with me, then your life needs to be transparent for a period of time. I will have total access to your cellphone at all times, and your bills (with detailed billing) will come to me, to ensure that "no contact" is taking place. I will have GPS reinstalled into your car and will know where you are at all times, and will ask you from time to time simply "Has OM tried to contact you?" It's imperative that you be honest with me when I ask you that, and not get defensive.

In time, if successful, these steps will no longer be necessary and you can go back to your privacy. You probably think this is a violation of your "privacy" now, (Wife), but there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrets." Your medical information is "private"; not sharing with your husband intimate communications that you receive from another man is "secrets."

A marriage connot survive on secrets, and ours is on the rocks and its last throes, secrets may have killed it, and so there is no room for error here.

(Wife), these measures are not meant to be punitive, or to treat you like a child, even if they seem that way. They are PROVEN CONCEPTS, developed by Dr. Steven Harley, Shirley Glass and others and published in books that have sold millions of copies and they have helped tens of thousands of people with their marriages that have been harmed by infidelity.

I fully understand that I cannot force you to do ANY of these, and I will not even lift a finger to "sell" you on them. I was "done" anyway. The choice is entirely yours.

I will, however, let you know that these ARE the MINIMUM conditions by which I am willing to even BEGIN to consider reinvesting emotionally in what is left of our marriage. If you don't want to, I completely understand.

[kech]

Ready2Change,

WOW. That is amazing. If I said that to my husband right now he would laugh at me and run as fast as he could in the other direction. But Maybe in time.

I wish I could keep the mindset that IM the one who should be chased right now. HE has done something wrong, yet I am here trying EVERYTHING possible to save our marriage, that he doesnt even seem to want.

How dare he say to me that he doesnt want me to take our outtings as romantic, when he just initiated sex multiple times 2 weeks ago. And I expected nothing from that, if anything I pulled away so he would know I didnt take that as us getting back together.

Its like I had that talk and in it he is reinforcing to me that he doesnt want to be together, which is disheartening. But Im living as a wife anyone would be lucky to have, and hes living like a man I wouldnt want to be with.

How is this real life right now? If he sticks to communicating with me in the way he says he will, I do think it will give me a better opportunity to GAL. I will be able to communicate to him my plans to him a little better and hopefully he will make an effort.

I kind of regret saying he can take the baby places, as now I feel like he will try doing that instead of doing things the 3 of us, but hopefully I am wrong.

[kech]

Since we are not actively working on our marriage, and we may be heading towards a physical separation, do we still have a chance?

I do not want to give you false hope, but I absolutely believe you can turn this around. I have seen it both ways. People do crazy amount of personal growth work and there spouse never comes around. Others do less personal growth, but the spouse comes around.

This is a defining point in your life. Focus on personal growth. Learn as much as you can. Either way you will come out the other end a healthier person.

When you say "learn as much as you can", do you mean in regards to divorce busting? I have the book and have not finished it. Do you recommend reading DR as well?

Should I continue using Sandi's 37 rules? I have read a lot on going dark, but I dont think that is something I should do right now.

I read that a lot of people learn these things and try to do all of them at once or try to do each one for a few days, and i think I fall into that category. I need to chose something and stick to it. Whats your suggestion?

[SteveLW]

Yes, but remember some of these are not mutually exclusive. The beauty of sandi's rules is that they help you with GAL, 180s, and detachment! So don't think it is either DBing or sandi's rules or going dark/NC.

The going dark/NC thing, also called the LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. And I agree, I don't think you meet that criteria yet. If and when you decide to give him the boot, then I would consider that.

But make sure you read and understand all of these concepts. Lots of those that are new to DBing get detachment wrong. And going NC wrong.

Neither is about ignoring. Or being mean. Or trying to manipulate. Detachment is mostly about learning to not react emotionally to the things he says and does. NC means YOU don't initiate contact. It also means you aren't overly responsive to his initiation either. But the point is that many thing detachment means to ignore the WAS, or that NC means you block them from your phone and email etc. Neither is true.