WW- Equalzr's saga pt 2. WW's & MLC'er advice plz

[equalzr]

Journaling...


Ive been consistent with going to the gym. Im working 3-5 days a week right now, and my body is slowly starting to feel better. Emotionally i have a way to go to catch up, but i think that is expected.

W sent me a text yesterday a.m. to let me know that she had dropped S off at school. She also told me that she made it to work (she drives long distance to work), and then goes on to say that she knows i dont care but shes telling me anyway(re:making it to work). I know not to read into any of this but a part of me wondered is it more of her guilt speaking out or temp checking? My guess is temp checking.

For the most part ive been avoiding conversation with her after our arguments last week. Those were so stressful to me, that im definitely doing my best to just walk away from them. Im still able to remain polite during our interactions and thats the way i want to keep it even though W feeds off the drama and wants our interactions to have tension.

It seems that she is comfortable trying to friend zone me (which seems par for the course here), as she routinely tries to tell me whats going on at her job or what new career idea she may have (shes an entrepeneur). I keep it short with one word answers but stay polite. There is rarely any talks about our R in the past, but when there is i validate and i think that seems to pi** her off. Im going to go back through the validation section and work on something that validates her feelings and not makes her feel like im saying they arent accurate etc, because they are her feelings.

[equalzr]

Forgot to mention this bit from last week; i was reading before going to sleep and my W sat down to finish some of her work. She goes on to talk about how she's tired, and how her legs are sore from work that day. She then goes on to ask if i can massage them for her. I calmly told her that thats something a husband would do, and since she doesnt want me to be her husband any longer i wont be doing that.

I will say she has some balls on her. Couldnt believe she had the nerve to ask that, but upon further review she had the nerve to start an affair, cheat, and then file for D, so this was small in comparison. I cant believe im surprised at anything coming from her any more.

[LANE777]

Hey equal, first of all I'm proud of you for not rubbing her legs. That seemed like a test. So have you decided whose going to move? Is she leaving or you? I know you're dreading missing your S. I would suggest you make a schedule. My W made a schedule and let me tell you, I still have my kids more than the schedule reads. She always has plans or works late etc. I really dont mind at all. If your W is working and tired and trying to have a fling. You'll probably see your S more than you think. Just a thought. Hang in there and keep up the GAL stuff. I still think she will have regrets. You just need to live away from each other. Then she wont have anyone to take care of everything. Life will get real after that. Still praying for ya buddy.
L

[equalzr]

I had another meeting with my ic. It went well for the most part, and i was able to get a little further into everything im going through. One thing she did say is that she thinks the text from my W about apologizing for putting me through so much pain could be either her guilt or truly being sorry for doing it but possibly thinking that she never meant to havr an A. Personally, i feel like you dont have an A unless you want to, you dont just slip and fall into one. You make multuple conscious decisions to do it.

On the front with the W, there isnt much interaction left between us. Its clear shes done, and i decided to not keep hoping for something that wasnt going to happen. 99% of our conversations are about our S. Ill be meeting with more L's soon to get more advice on what my options are. I hate talking about that, thinking about it, or having meetings with L's. They really remind me of what im going through and what im losing. My anxiety and stress are usually through the roof any time i really have to deal with the reality of this, but i cant ignore it forever.

I havent slept well for the better part of 1.5 years now, so im going to look for something like melatonin to help me some nights. The workouts ive been doing have been helping a little, but i still dont sleep well or long enough.

As far as it goes with my W, i have to dive back into my DR book and find out exactly what i should be doing at this point. 95% of the time i feel resolved to just completely let go, but there is still a small part of me that i catch fantasizing about being in MR with my W. I miss that so much, it truly hurts me to the core. Ive been detaching, and GAL, but i think i still need to work on more 180's because W had some valid points about some things i need to work on such as procrastinating etc. Ive done well recently with making to do lists and finishing them.

I really dont know if i should just keep ignoring(more like avoiding) W at this point as we just drift further apart. Im trying to stay upbeat when we interact (as someone said, like a cashier) but its really tough after what shes done to me and our family. I always feel like the more i avoid her the more it will confirm to her that there isnt anything left to reconsider. I kind of feel like im on the sidelines on this one, and in reality i guess i am as far as MR goes because i didnt choose this path and have no control over it.

[equalzr]

We had school activites at my S's school, and both my W and I went separately. Its akward being around families that you have known for years, but we arent together any more. Really [censored] about how my W can go on with life as normal and be happy through this.

Since she filed, there has been a definote change in her activities. The last two weeks or so shes been at home a bit more and is really playing nice with our S. I came home last night and she was even sitting in the living room watching tv with him. That never happens, she spends 99% of her time when shes home in the MBR. Shes obviously preparing for a custody battle. Pretty sad imo. She treated him pretty bad at times for over a year.

Throughout most of our sitch she was gone probably 4-5 nights a week from afternoon til 3-5 a.m. she doesnt think that was deserting her family though. I cant disagree more, and in God's eyes its deserting your family. Im not sure if that will jave any bearing on custody case or not, but i dont know why she wants custody so bad when she isnt even home but instead she spends the majority of time with O.M. I think they have already planned their future together. Why cant she just leave me and S alone and go be with O.M.?

[equalzr]

Journaling...

I was spending some time praying this morning, and my W came out to talk for a bit. There was some usual talk about random things which i gave short responses to as usual. She then turned the conco to D talk which she does quite frequently now as shes in a hurry to get thkngs over with so she can officially be with OM (my assumption). It started to go sideways from there as it usually does. I requested that we come up with a certain time/day to tslk about it so we arent discussing it nearlt every day. I know i have to deal with it, but it stresses me out and i dont want to talk about it all the time. Besides that, i didnt want the D, so why should i help move it along as quickly as possible?

The W then got upset and went into R talk and again explained all the things i didnt do right in the M, and also let me know she hasnt been happy for some time and that she was hesitant to get married. I then told her that "im sorry you feel this way, im sorry that you chose this path, i didnt ask for this, and that with communication there was no need to go down this path."

Now for the kicker. After she tells me that she wasnt happy for quite some time, she then begins to tell me how i "should be happy for her". At this point im doing everything i can to stop my head from exploding right there on the spot. I asked her that im supposed to be happy for her that she cheated on her family and ripped her family apart? Im guilty of cutting her off again and she didnt want to finish after that, and i dont think i really want her to either. Shes said enough, how warped can your mind be that you actually even let it slip out of your mouth that i should be happy for you.....your husband who you cheated on and are D'ing and are trying to rake over the coals financially should be happy for you?

I calmly told her that i would love to see our family happy together. That said, this was the last straw for me. There is nothing about this woman that says "i think rationally" anymore. To be this far gone in fantasy land in your own head is too much for me. Not only this, but now she thinks she will have our S around OM after some time, which i know i wont be able to stop after D, but its something weve always said we wouldnt do shoild it ever come to this. Shes went back on 99% of everythkng shes ever told me in the past. I refuse to have my S around someone that took part in tearing my family apart and have my S who is innocent in all this around him not knowing what they were doing during our M. I may be bad for it, but beans will be spilled if thats the route she goes.

[Davide]

Sorry to hear that update equalzr. Those conversations have got to be rough.

Yeah. Her focus is all on her, and her happiness, and it complete blinds her to all the destruction she is leaving in her wake. That said, stop believing everything or anything that she says. Of course she is going to rewrite history, of course she is going to pretend like there are no negatives to the path she is choosing. That's how she lives with herself. That's the story she has convinced herself is true.

I think you are smart to try to limit the D and R talk. Obviously it is her who is initiating but it seems like too much, and it isn't doing you any good.

[equalzr]

D, your right. It really weighs on me.

Last night was really rough on me. All in the span of 12 hours, i realized thst W is completely gone in the head and obviously hasnt realized what she has done to our family. My anxiety got the best of me last night as my chest was in knots.

This entire situation [censored] and hurts. And of course S and W get into it last night and of course W eventually blames me for it as usual...perfect timing.

Im just a flag blowing in the wind at this point. It [censored] not having any control over things at all.

[Davide]

Deep breaths. Find a quiet spot and focus on your breathing. You can control that. Just let the thoughts float away, always come back to the breathing.

You can't control your W. You can't control what happens with the R. You can control your attitude.

What else can you do to get out of the house and out of your head? What about GAL? Can you meet up with a friend? Watch a football game? Can you do any exercise? Endorphins help.

Hang in there.

[equalzr]

Ive been focusing on the deep breathing and praying when anxiety gets the best of me. Im now trying to work on controlling my thoughts, if i can do better at that ill be much better off.

Your right again David, ive been working on GAL, but im still in the house too much. I go to work out, read at home mostly(may move that to a coffee shop to help) and do career research but mostly at home. The rest of the time is usually spent at home with S or doing something with S.

The W actually made me breakfast and lunch yesterday. That really surprised me. Shes usually nice, but doesnt do anything for me anymore....she detached years ago i guess. Seems that as long as D is progressing, nobody confronts her about her misersble actions, and she gets to keep seeing OM without interuption shes going to play nice....oh and dont forget as long as she gets to hose me in D too.