Husband cheated, trying 180 (2)

[SteveLW]

I just feel like now I am about to go through a TON of pain that maybe could have been avoided somehow

Is this normal for you, to ultimately want to avoid pain? Have you always viewed life choices in terms of what would cause the least pain, whether it was for you or someone else?

kech, you seem like a very nice and sweet person, and you are going through a rough time. But sometimes rough times come our way so that we can learn and grow from it. I think you would be missing a huge opportunity here to learn and grow from all of this.

I would highly suggest going to IC. I think you could greatly benefit from that in light of what you are going through. But also to reveal some truths about yourself.

1) Do you always try to avoid pain, even though the painful path might be better in the long run?
2) Why are you so attached to someone that is bringing you so much pain, despite being someone that tries to avoid pain?
3) Where does this need to avoid his "anger" come from. You've mentioned this many times in your posting "I don't want to make him angry" "I don't like when he is angry with me" "He just seems so angry!" Where does this fear of making someone angry, nearly at all costs, come from?
4) Why would you tolerate being treated so poorly by someone? I think you could see that he was being manipulative in past interactions with him, yet you still allowed him to mistreat you. What is it about yourself, or in your past, that makes you feel unworthy of NOT allowing someone to treat you the way he has?

When I was going through my sitch, I had to take some long hard looks at myself and why I was the way I was. It was very healthy and understanding all of it has helped me to move forward much more healthy than I was prior to BD.

Just food for thought.

[SteveLW]

I want to text him and ask him if he is going to be bringing me paperwork. Or if we can talk or something,. Are all of these bad ideas?

Terrible ideas. You might as well just text him and say "I am still overly attached to you and am very afraid of losing you to the point of allowing you to behave and treat me anyway you want to."

[SteveLW]

I just feel like now I am about to go through a TON of pain that maybe could have been avoided somehow

Is this normal for you, to ultimately want to avoid pain? Have you always viewed life choices in terms of what would cause the least pain, whether it was for you or someone else?

kech, you seem like a very nice and sweet person, and you are going through a rough time. But sometimes rough times come our way so that we can learn and grow from it. I think you would be missing a huge opportunity here to learn and grow from all of this.

I would highly suggest going to IC. I think you could greatly benefit from that in light of what you are going through. But also to reveal some truths about yourself.

1) Do you always try to avoid pain, even though the painful path might be better in the long run?
2) Why are you so attached to someone that is bringing you so much pain, despite being someone that tries to avoid pain?
3) Where does this need to avoid his "anger" come from. You've mentioned this many times in your posting "I don't want to make him angry" "I don't like when he is angry with me" "He just seems so angry!" Where does this fear of making someone angry, nearly at all costs, come from?
4) Why would you tolerate being treated so poorly by someone? I think you could see that he was being manipulative in past interactions with him, yet you still allowed him to mistreat you. What is it about yourself, or in your past, that makes you feel unworthy of NOT allowing someone to treat you the way he has?

When I was going through my sitch, I had to take some long hard looks at myself and why I was the way I was. It was very healthy and understanding all of it has helped me to move forward much more healthy than I was prior to BD.

Just food for thought.

Quoting this because sometimes the last post on a page gets overlooked.

[kech]

Steve,

I am not sure honestly, I dont know of anything that would make me try to avoid pain and allow someone to treat me this way. I think it is just that I really do love him and I have wanted to avoid doing anything permanent until he can think clearly about this.

And Ive wanted to avoid ANY custody situations. With the way things were, even though him and I were not on the best track, I had the baby at all times, and that is just how I feel comfortable right now. She is 6 months old, she has been with me all along, and now the thought of that changing is enough for me to avoid ALL of this honestly.

I would keep the peace with him even right now if it meant I didnt have to worry about losing time with her. Thats just how I feel. She is too young, it is very upsetting.

I do plan to do IC.

Do you think I should send him a text asking if I can expect paperwork tonight or do I just wait and see?

[kech]

Okay just saw your message about the text being a terrible idea. I wont send one. I just am going to be VERY upset if he comes with paperwork. VERY upset.

I want more TIME. I want more time for us. I want us to actually live separated, him actually get his own place and for us to see how we feel to truly live apart. We havent really had that chance. I dont want to jump to divorce.

[SteveLW]

Filing for D and even having a D finalized doesn't mean you won't have more time. Trust me on this. The D process is just part of the process sometimes in ultimately getting to R. People have written extensively on this subject here. D doesn't mean the end.

[kech]

I feel like in his mind it will. I am trying to read up on the divorce laws in my state. It seems pretty cut and dry and happens fairly quickly.

He may be being coached by people around him on how to get this done, maybe even another woman pushing him to do it. I dont know. I just know this is killing me. When I see him tonight should I bring anything up? I would really like some sort of knowledge as to if he is filing. He said last night he will be so thats all I have to go on. And I do think he will follow through, and may have already.

[SteveLW]

If you find out he is or isn't what does it change? You are hanging on the idea of his filing as if that is the end all be all. He might D you, move on with his life, and over a year later realize he made a huge mistake and come crawling back. It happens all of the time.

What we are telling you is that until you take back respect for yourself, he will never give it to you. And without respecting you he cannot find you attractive, at least not beyond skin deep. What you did last night was take back some of your dignity. Don't give that up by showing him you are afraid of what comes next.

[kech]

Okay youre right. I almost called him a minute ago to tell him I am scared of all of this too. I wish we could just speak on a human level, bc we know we are both terrified of whats going to happen.

Im just the one who will break the pride and talk to him about it, and he wont. He will hold on to his pride and let all of this happen even if he doesnt want it. Wow I am scared. So scared




Feel like im going to go crazy. I want to talk to him so bad and see where his head is right now, or find out if he went and filed today or what. In our states it looks like I would only have 20 days to respond if he filed.

I cant even believe that. Thats not enough time for us. When I see him tonight I want to ask him if we can stick to our plan of not doing anything permanent yet, is that a bad idea?

[SteveLW]

I'd highly recommend you 180 on this. And let him be the one to break this time. I know you think he won't but you've never pushed him this far. Giving up on your boundary means he won't respect it in the future. Tough love is difficult but you're not going to get where you want to be by continuing to do what you did before.

Trust the process.