How can I feel this way about two men at the same time
At worst she is manipulative
And is just keeping you on the hook
She will be skeptical of the change in you
For a long time until she is sure it is real
Does she know you are against open marriage
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
As far as confronting about an A, yes I do agree with that. If you know an A is taking place, then by all means let them know that you know. Just expect them to deny, deny, deny. Don't believe the denials. When they demand proof just tell them there's no need, you both know what's going on. Don't tell them "I looked at your FB messages" or "I looked on your phone" or whatever, because what's the point? You're just giving them ammo to paint you as the bad guy because you are "invading their privacy." Don't give them the ammo, it's enough that you know, and you don't owe them an explanation.
Anotherstander I tried that approach initially, I simply said I know about the flirting with OM and I don't like it and I am not talking about it further. She denied, played if off as just a work friend. When it came up again same thing. This frustrated me to no end and I thought screw it I am not going to play games with this and I told her specifics of their exchanges word for word. I just couldn't stand the downplaying, to me it's no different than lying.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Exactly. Things sound like they are going well enough but I still think you need to pull back a bit and give her time and space. Don't assume everything is "back to normal", a lot of potential recons have been derailed because the LBS fell back into the same old habits after the WAS gave them another chance. You're on probation right now!
Absolutely and I recognize that nothing is back to "normal". I certainly don't want to go back to what it was because nothing about it was "normal", since I have changed, she has also changed a lot, she's been so much easier to talk to and communicate with, we have had virtually no problems other than a couple instances of her venting about small issues like my son telling me he was eating an egg sandwich for breakfast and that my egg sandwiches are better than moms in front of her lol so I chuckled about it and got hell later for not telling him to just eat and not hurt his moms feelings. She vented, I said yes he was manipulating I didn't recognize it at the time, I shouldn't encourage it, and I am sorry about it. And it was done. No major blowouts other than her blowout when I told her specifics of her EA, but that's a typical guilt reaction. I told my C that me looking at her phone and her EA are 2 separate issues, they are not one and can't be played against each other, they need to be dealt with separately. Her blowing up allowed her to avoid the issue and her guilt t the time, but she thought about it after the fact, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up again.
How can I feel this way about two men at the same time
At worst she is manipulative
And is just keeping you on the hook
She will be skeptical of the change in you
For a long time until she is sure it is real
Does she know you are against open marriage
That's the thing Gordie I don't think in her heart she wants a divorce, she hasn't filed anything. I honestly think initially she did, but I think she's very open to allowing me time to be a better husband and father, she has stated I am the love of her life. And to be further open I did not see any really passionate messages between them, at best it was flirting, and there were a couple messages in the exchanges telling him to cool it and back off when he overstepped. My biggest issue was her telling him about all our marriage problems, that's what hurt me the most. I believe she has put a stop to it, but again I can't be 100% sure, I have no way to now that, but I have to believe it because I can't go around feeling punched in the gut anymore, I need to keep on GAL and live day by day and see what happens. She told me the other night she has no real interest in the guy. Again I cannot confirm this but I need to believe it for my own healing and transition.
How can I feel this way about two men at the same time
At worst she is manipulative
And is just keeping you on the hook
She will be skeptical of the change in you
For a long time until she is sure it is real
Does she know you are against open marriage
That's the thing Gordie I don't think in her heart she wants a divorce, she hasn't filed anything. I honestly think initially she did, but I think she's very open to allowing me time to be a better husband and father, she has stated I am the love of her life. And to be further open I did not see any really passionate messages between them, at best it was flirting, and there were a couple messages in the exchanges telling him to cool it and back off when he overstepped. My biggest issue was her telling him about all our marriage problems, that's what hurt me the most. I believe she has put a stop to it, but again I can't be 100% sure, I have no way to now that, but I have to believe it because I can't go around feeling punched in the gut anymore, I need to keep on GAL and live day by day and see what happens. She told me the other night she has no real interest in the guy. Again I cannot confirm this but I need to believe it for my own healing and transition.
Hi Paul. I've been following your sitch. I'm a noob and in a similar sitch, so I don't have any real advice to offer. Your W does sound like mine in a way. My W said she wanted a D, was texting some dweeb for a few weeks, had it blow up on her, and has still not moved towards D. Of course, she hasn't moved towards R either, but whatever. Anyway, I guess like everyone says, be the best that you can be, and hang in there!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hi Paul. I've been following your sitch. I'm a noob and in a similar sitch, so I don't have any real advice to offer. Your W does sound like mine in a way. My W said she wanted a D, was texting some dweeb for a few weeks, had it blow up on her, and has still not moved towards D. Of course, she hasn't moved towards R either, but whatever. Anyway, I guess like everyone says, be the best that you can be, and hang in there!
Hi Terapin, sorry you are going through the same thing it's a rough road. Have you been able to pull back? Are you still in the same house?
Hi Paul. I've been following your sitch. I'm a noob and in a similar sitch, so I don't have any real advice to offer. Your W does sound like mine in a way. My W said she wanted a D, was texting some dweeb for a few weeks, had it blow up on her, and has still not moved towards D. Of course, she hasn't moved towards R either, but whatever. Anyway, I guess like everyone says, be the best that you can be, and hang in there!
Hi Terapin, sorry you are going through the same thing it's a rough road. Have you been able to pull back? Are you still in the same house?
Thanks. Yeah, I've been DB'ing, GALing, etc (somewhat. lol). We're still in the same house, but not in the same bed (although unfortunately that started a while ago, not just since BD). My W has gotten drunk and nuts a few times during this. Like I said, your sitch and mine seem somewhat similar, so I'm going to stay interested in your progress!
Edit: In my sitch, there has still been ZERO sex, and very little physical contact or affection at all.
Last edited by Terapin; 09/06/1809:34 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thanks. Yeah, I've been DB'ing, GALing, etc (somewhat. lol). We're still in the same house, but not in the same bed (although unfortunately that started a while ago, not just since BD). My W has gotten drunk and nuts a few times during this. Like I said, your sitch and mine seem somewhat similar, so I'm going to stay interested in your progress!
Edit: In my sitch, there has still been ZERO sex, and very little physical contact or affection at all.
Hey Terapin found your threads and read through, tough situation. Wish I could give you advice but this is new to me. There are some similarities though in our situations. I found I couldn't move ahead until I truly let go, I was mad too I was going to go file on my own and say here now you got what you want. Once I accepted it and let go things started to change, and my anger, self hate, guilt, and frustration fell away, I was stripped of it, and it felt good. I am going through life right now feeling that my wife doesn't want me, and I am OK with that. And it seems the more I accept it the more responsive she is. Still have a long road ahead.
Originally Posted by Seekn
Paul,
Have read over your sitch and looks like good progress is being made. I wish you the best and will continue to check in. Best wishes. Take care.
Thanks. Yeah, I've been DB'ing, GALing, etc (somewhat. lol). We're still in the same house, but not in the same bed (although unfortunately that started a while ago, not just since BD). My W has gotten drunk and nuts a few times during this. Like I said, your sitch and mine seem somewhat similar, so I'm going to stay interested in your progress!
Edit: In my sitch, there has still been ZERO sex, and very little physical contact or affection at all.
Hey Terapin found your threads and read through, tough situation. Wish I could give you advice but this is new to me. There are some similarities though in our situations. I found I couldn't move ahead until I truly let go, I was mad too I was going to go file on my own and say here now you got what you want. Once I accepted it and let go things started to change, and my anger, self hate, guilt, and frustration fell away, I was stripped of it, and it felt good. I am going through life right now feeling that my wife doesn't want me, and I am OK with that. And it seems the more I accept it the more responsive she is. Still have a long road ahead.
Originally Posted by Seekn
Paul,
Have read over your sitch and looks like good progress is being made. I wish you the best and will continue to check in. Best wishes. Take care.
Thanks for the support Seekn
"feeling that my wife doesn't want me". That's a very good attitude to have, and I'm going to try incorporating that into my thoughts. Every time she says or does something that bothers or confuses me, "so what, she doesn't want me anyway". Thanks!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well heading for my second appointment with C this morning. Feeling off today feeling stuck feeling like maybe I am backsliding. Honestly feel like just leaving the house today and it's not even anything specific just don't feel like being around my W. Really don't feel like talking today to anyone and that's the issue that put my marriage in trouble to begin with. Can't really "go dark" because that's what put my marriage in trouble.
