"You are right. This is not working for me either."
Use it when required.
I like this, so even though I do not feel that way I should say it? The current sitch was not working for me, but normally I would probably say something like we can figure this out together, etc.
Do not follow your feelings. This is a LOGICAL issue.
Right now less words the better. This is about setting him free. That is the only way he will come back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Previously, H has been adamant that we can get divorce without lawyers. He says we just have to sign papers. I do not know if that is correct or what.
Yes I am a talker and a fixer. I always want to fix things to be ok. And he is completely okay with things being on bad terms sometimes, I am absolutely the opposite.
I will try to 180 these but man it is HARD. This has felt like the longest day in history. I will be seeing him in about 4 and a half hours and if he walks in the door with papers I can already feel my heart drop.
Tell him to piss off about not using lawyers. Tell him he's putting you into a legal situation and you will work hard to protect yourself in that situation.
Divorce won't be the end of you, only a new beginning. If he doesn't care to see that, well then he can go kick rocks.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
List your goals. 1. Reconcile and have the marriage we both want. Plan what action needs to be taken. Monitor the plan and adjust. Is "holding on" working? Y or N Y - Keep doing it. N - try something different, for example - LET GO!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Previously, H has been adamant that we can get divorce without lawyers. He says we just have to sign papers. I do not know if that is correct or what.
You should read my sitch threads sometime. W wanted the same. My contacting a lawyer shook her out of the "it is going to be a piece of cake, easy peezy lemon squeezy quickie divorce" thinking.
I suggest highly you engage lawyers. He is looking for the path of least resistance here.
Also, you have a child. Most states have a multi-step process in place when there are kids involved. By multi I mean 12-20. Multiple hearings, etc. Navigating that without legal counsel is foolish at best.
There is no such thing as a quickie easy D when there are kids involved.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will try to 180 these but man it is HARD. This has felt like the longest day in history. I will be seeing him in about 4 and a half hours and if he walks in the door with papers I can already feel my heart drop.
Couldn't be longer than the day after BD. Anyway, hang in there. We have frequent saying around here: It always gets worse before it gets better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
kech, it came to me earlier that I have a good idea of what your issue with the fear and anger are. At that is you haven't let go of the man you married.
Here is the thing, and sandi covers this in her rules: The man you married is gone. Maybe forever. You have got to drop the illusion of who he was, and see him for who he has become.
Think of it this way. Pretend you and H divorce. After IC, and recovery you meet a gorgeous guy that is the man of your dreams. (I think you are younger than me so I don't know who all the young ladies pant after nowadays. Back in my day it was Brad Pitt.) You date a few times, you start to fall for him, but then he turns into who your H is now. What would you do? Dump him in a heartbeat, right?
This is why it is important to realize that the man you married is GONE. In his place is this new guy that is treating you like excrement. So what do you do?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kech, first of all a big hug. And slow down and breathe, I know what you feel and are going through, I was and am still there. Read through my sitch, it will make you realize you are not the only one with a baby and a goof ball of a WH. After 6 months post BD, I am still struggling and living it by the day. A single mom's life is unimaginably hard I have a 3 year old and a 8 month old. Easier said than done but do not panic. I have come to accept that the grief we go through is a journey, some of us take longer than the others but we will all survive. I have immense respect for how you have handled yourself and the baby so far. And this fool WH of yours, BDd you while you were pregnant? Take a moment and answer these questions for yourself honestly without fear. - As much as you had a role to play in the breakdown of your MR, do you deserve this? Does a pregnant woman, a nursing mother deserve to be treated this way by her H? - Does you baby deserve a broken home? What is her fault? - While 99.9% of the Hs stay with their wives throughout all this, why is your H worthy of you even though he is trying to pull this off? I do not want a D either but seems like I am getting one. The most I could do to salvage this was to mediate and come to terms that were acceptable to me. You and your D deserve a secure future both financially and emotionally. Every time I crumble and fall I think of my Ds, every time I feel I have been wronged I set it right for my Ds, every time I feel weak I gain strength by holding them, hugging them. Love has amazing strength, give it to your worthy D not to those who are undeserving of it. You can do this, you know why, because you have no choice and your D needs you. Even though you want to fall apart you have your beautiful baby waiting to embrace her happy bright future. I really hope he has a sudden epiphany and realizes his mistakes. But proceed as if you are preparing for a D and your sole goal is to ensure your D doesnt lose in all this. You shall survive this as the rest of us and come out holding your head high. (((kech)))
Wow Arsh, thank you so much. I will have to read through your threads. It is VERY comforting to know someone else is here with such a young child/children.
When I am with her and hugging her I honestly do not worry about my H and all of this stuff. My fear is that in the moments when I do have to share her with him undoubtedly and i am not with her, I will absolutely fall apart. And he knows that. He knows how hard it will be for me to go through a custody battle bc I want us to be a family and I want to be with her all the time and he is okay with us just sharing her 50/50.
I will re-read this entire page over again, as all of the advice is very good. Steve really nailed it when he said if I were to meet and start dating someone and they started acting like my H is right now, would i stay with them. And I definitely would not. I dont really understand how after 9 years this is all of a sudden a side to my husband I have never witnessed.
I just took my work break (I work from home, but my mom has an office in her home so she watches the baby while I work from there, as I am still nursing) and I took my break and drove to my house to grab a few things. His car was at the bar. There are 2 bars he frequents, both on the main road to our house. I told him the other day for the first time that I see his car there daily after work. He said he isnt always drinking, which is definitely true, but why frequent there daily? It is frustrating to me.
And to be there now with all of this going on? He has nerve, knowing how easily I can see that. Kind of blows my mind honestly. He is really in a totally different headspace than me. I am curious if he has done research on filing today, I am sure he has. I can hear all of his buddies at the bar (none of which know me because since this all happened he has started to hang out with people I do not know), telling him "you have rights! Serve her!" blah blah, as if I am even TRYING to fight him on anything.
If anything I was the one saying to him yesterday for us to figure out him seeing her today and he kept saying I was playing games for some reason. I have NEVER played games with him, especially not in regards to our daughter, so I truthfully did not understand why he kept saying that. Sometimes I think he WANTS me to tell him no so he can use it against me. It is SO STRANGE. And i am not giving him that satisfaction. But I also wont be bullied into letting him have her whenever he wants. Like him texting me last night saying "I want her Saturday. All day", he has lost his mind if he thinks thats how this is going to work. And he does that to me EVERY TIME we go through this. And then he promises me he wont do it, and here he is doing it.
I really hope I can stick to giving no reaction if he brings papers to the house tonight. I would love to stand tall and be confident but it is very hard when I feel like my world is about to fall apart.
