Husband cheated, trying 180 (3)

[Ready2Change]

Divorce or NO divorce, you both still need to co-parent, unless he completely walks away. We will assume he wants to be dad.

Every exchange will be a chance for you to SHINE, to practice new skills.

It is like you have been thrown into the swimming pool, but never learned to swim. PANIC! First step is to get you floating on your back. Breathing and Calm. Then try treading water. Back on your back as needed to regain confidence. At some point, you will be Phelps. DB is the life vest.

"knowledge does not equal understanding. be careful how you interpret things because you are looking at the world with a bias weather you think you are or not"

[Dtrmned]

Kech,
Keeping up with your posts and really feel for you in the situation you are in.
I am no expert and you have some great people who are experienced giving you great advice on here.
My best advice is that you kind of have to take yourself out of the minutia of everything bearing down on you at one. Do you miss him? yes. Do you fear for your family and their future? yes. Do you hate the situation that he has put you and your children in? yes.

I'm sure presently this is constantly consuming every moment of every day for you. You can't get it out of your mind. It is tough to concentrate and get anything done, let alone get it done well.

This is where DB'ing helps. This is about you. If this is all about him and your MR, you can never get out of your own way to even attempt to help yourself. Without that, there is probably no successful path to a new MR. I am in the depths of my own sitch. There were days where I was consumed by it. It dominated my world. What is she thinking/doing, Why is she doing those things? Why is she doing this to our family and to me?

You will have those thoughts. You need to find a way to not ignore them, but deal with them quickly. Don't let them affect your minute, hour or day too long. And be sure not to let your H know this is affecting you. Trust me, he knows. Be the best person you can be. Scream in your car when no one is around if you need to. Put your earbuds in and lose yourself in some relaxing music. Or get out and GAL. If you are going to be around him, look the best you can. Always. It doesn't mean cocktail dress, heels and full make up, but it means you are taking pride in yourself and your appearance. Faking it is good and there is a lot of that. But make sure you are confident in yourself and don't overdo it.

This is a tough time for you and I am praying for you and your family.
Best of luck!

[kech]

Justsad,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right, it consumes me AT ALL TIMES. Especially the thoughts of OW, etc. If he jumps into a relationship I will not handle it well. And i do feel as if that is where it will go. He will hide it, but that is what he is going to do, whether it be with someone he is seeing now or someone he meets.

It is funny because he keeps saying to me "I dont care to see anyone else. I dont think I will ever be in a relationship if our marriage doesnt work out." yet HE HAS ALREADY had another relationship with OW. I dont know how he says these things as if he didnt have an affair, it is so strange.

He said to me a few months ago he never wants to find someone else, or that he never will or something. And I said to him "You already have". And he was like You dont get it. No I havent. She isnt s*** to me, blah blah blah. But, point being, he ALREADY has. But he acts as if I want to find someone new right away and he doesnt. He spins things on me so quickly that I dont even know what to say. Its bizarre. And I will say wait, im not looking for someone else..Im focused on me and the baby.

Anyways, I would really love for the 2 of us to be able to begin anew and build a whole new relationship. Maybe this is our chance. I need to be confident for sure. I struggle with that. I have my outfit all picked out for tonight. I am excited to get out with my girlfriends and have a good night. Although I have to be home by midnight now that I was forced to give a time, when I have NEVER once asked him what time he will be home on his nights out. Im never given the chance because he goes out without telling me.

But this will be our new relationship for now. Coparenting. And we will do okay with that as long as we communicate and hopefully he stops threatening the custody stuff and I pray we can figure it out together.

I wouldnt wish this upon anyone wow. It is absolutely awful

[Ready2Change]

I have my outfit all picked out for tonight.

Perferct! Also have all your words picked out for your SHORT interaction w H.

I am excited to get out with my girlfriends and have a good night.

Have a great time. If thoughts or R come up tell yourself "I will worry about that later" or "I will deal with that issue tomorrow" or something similar

Although I have to be home by midnight

Always be a responsible parent. Get home early (midnight). You have a baby to deal with.

[Ready2Change]

Always say less that WAS.

Which is better: Be away from H so that he can miss you? Be around him with the potential of arguments and other things that might drive him further away?

[kech]

Ready2Change,

You are right. He is going to be here early to be with baby while I get ready, but I will be busy getting ready so I wont be around him.

If he gives me papers I will say "Thanks, I will look over these later."


I will stick to being home by midnight, which isnt a problem whatsoever for me. I am not so sure being away from him makes him miss me anymore these days, but it is better than being around eachother and me saying something wrong leading to conflict.

He told me last night in one of his many texts that he will have all of his things out of the house this weekend. Ugh, it will be hard. It will be even harder when he gives me papers. I really hope it isnt tonight. I cant imagine how I will handle that. It will be SO hard. I still cant believe he is doing this, but I am trying to just focus on my day and night.

[Ready2Change]

If he gives me papers I will say "Thanks, I will look over these later."

I took the papers and handed her my wedding ring. Not that I am suggesting it for you, just insight into how I communicated to W without saying anything.

Put on you "Big Girl Pants" and handle it. Cry and scream in the car after you leave if you need to. Just not in front of him.

[Ready2Change]

Tonight, he will see you walk out to do who knows what with who knows who. Let his imagination control him. You are turning the tables.

People want what they can't have. Make him want you.



When I was still in the marital home, I would shower, put on nice clothes, and then go to the gym. Ride the bike for 90 minutes. Shower, get dressed nice, come back home. I always looked my best during that time period.

[Ready2Change]

It is not your job to make this easy for him. I just thought about this. Think about it.

H is moving his stuff out this weekend. How about making him parent at the same time?

When would you expect him to start?

H, something came up, can you watch D for a few hours?

Y - Go get your hair/nails done.
N - Take D with you.

[kech]

Ready2change,

I have done that as well, dress up nice for no reason so he thinks I was somewhere nice, etc. I havent been wearing my wedding ring since I found text from OW. I told him I refused to wear mine until he began wearing his again, we never got there.

I know that people want what they cant have, but I dont know how to make him want me again. And i dont know how to make him feel like he cant have me, when right now he knows im so heartbroken over this and knows he can have me.

When we separated in the beginning I did start to make comments to him so he knew he couldnt have me anymore. I think it started to get to him and he eventually asked to start staying the night again, etc. But now he knows im so heartbroken. Id love to do things in my actions to show he cant have me, but if he isnt even TRYING to have me, what do I do to show that?