Kech, Was off for a few. As I said, as far as the big stuff, I will defer to the experts you have commenting. In my personal experience, the all consuming time you are going through needs to end. Does it matter what he is doing every minute of every day? Absolutely NOT! Does it mater what he is thinking every minute of every day? Absolutely NOT!
His long term actions are what tell you what he is thinking. Don't believe ANYTHING he says and only half of what he does. Take this to heart. It is so true!
You need to take care of yourself and your D. If his actions over the long term lead to some decision you have to make. You have already thought it about it, but deal with it when it happens. Being prepared for him giving you papers and worrying about it every minute of every day is another thing. It will happen IF it happens. Be prepared, but don't obsess. This coming from a man who totally obsesses about the love of my life but knows there is nothing I can do except control my reactions to real actions.
Knock them dead tonight and have fun! You deserve it!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Thank you so much, youre absolutely right. No point in obsessing and worrying until it actually happens. And just be prepared with my reaction. Goodness, if only he had ANY idea I have a whole community of people here helping me and supporting me.
I know I made the right decision in making him leave. I hate that it took that for him to tell me he wants a divorce, but I have to face it all now head on. I do hope we can come back from this, but he has to want that too somewhere down the road, so we will see if we ever get there. For now I will keep GAL, or trying.
Fake it till I make it. It will be nice to go out, maybe ill get the attention of a few guys and get a whole new boost of confidence. I wouldnt entertain ANY of it, my focus is me and my D. I just laugh. If his "bar friends" that he keeps in this other life away from me, ever met me, they would probably ask him what in the world he is doing slumming it when he has me at home. Not tooting my own horn, I just do deep down know my worth, know im better than how he is treating me, and know I am better than this other life he wants.
If only my mind could stay in that head space. The confidence comes and goes, along with the sadness and the crying. Ive cried a few times today and then got it together.Will keep pushing forward. Still get a knot in my stomach when thinking about possibly being given papers by him tonight, but promise to try to stop obsessing!
This is the attitude:NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TO SAY THESE WORDS
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This (maintaining "best-friend"-ship with their betrayed spouse) is part of the normalization script, and very common. I was advised to address it early, and HEAD ON, and I did, and to great effect. "I need to be clear on something," I told my wife about 3 weeks into our ordeal. "I have absolutely no intention of being your friend, much less your BEST friend, if you choose to end our marriage this way, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it. I will of course be civil, and work with you to co-parent our children, but that is all. If you END this affair, and come back and really work on our marriage for a period of time -- say, one year -- including coming to marriage counseling with me and being honest with me and the counselor about the affair, and then it just doesn't work out between us . . . then that's different. But as long as you cut and run like this, not gonna happen." When we reconciled, my wife told me that this (losing my friendship during her affair, and the potential of losing it FOREVER) was THE single-biggest reason she decided to end it, and come back to me. Food for thought.
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Strong, leading, upbeat with your 180s and GALs, but NOT condoning their behavior. You want to take a stance, where -- if they ASK you (and don't offer this proactively, or it will come across as pursuing), you can say "Oh, don't get me wrong, this is NOT what I wanted, and NOT what I would have chosen. But I realize that I'll be OK either way. I very much WANT to be married to you, but I realize now that I don't NEED to be, and I certainly respect myself too much to be willing to put up with your crap behavior just to stay married. I'm in a positive mood I guess because I'm working hard to improve myself, whether it turns out to be for THIS relationship, or for another one down the road."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That was good to read Ready2change. So youre saying that is the attitude for me to have, but this is NOT time for me to say that outloud to H, correct?
We do always end up going back into the "best friend" role, as if all is normal but not really a Marriage. I need to cut that off. Not that he seems to want the friendship right now, but in time he may
Any suggestions on how to show him he can no longer have me? I guess that comes with time
I believe going out tonight is a good start. Keep interactions short during the exchanges (Keep convo about D). Always have something "urgent" to get to after exchange.
H: Hi. W: Hi, Anything Important I need to know about D?
or
H:Hi, W:"D woke up early from nap and I feed her at X time she should be ready to eat around This time. Any questions? H N W: Perferct! I will be back at this time. (And then walk away)
H: Personal topic W: I don't have time to talk about that now. Any details I need to know about D? H: Baby details... W: Thanks! Enjoy your time with D.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Okay those are good things to follow. Keep it about D. He definitely tries to bait me into conversations when he is angry, through text especially. I try not to give in but he gets angrier and angrier and makes it SO hard.
