I get S6 to calm down after he wa upset for a good 25min. I tell him W made mistake and shouldn’t have made plans during our time. We go to gym and do our things as normal. W starts blowing up phone and text saying it was her wknd. I hold ground and just point to our communication via text/email. She gaslit entire situation like she has been doing before. I did answer her call after a third time (mistake) and we get into argument. She hung up when I stood my ground...I paused for 5 minutes and called her back to say she could take S6 for the evening since I knew it was important to HIM. W then conceded she messed up...but didn’t say thanks or anything towards me being flexible.
I know what I did was for S, it still feel like I got trampled on and let W get her way again. She’s been nothing but self serving since BD.
I’m still doing my best to detach with love, but when I do interact with W, she takes up all the real estate in my head. She still is my ultimate trigger....and i May have let NGS impact me here.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
drop your expectations. You're expecting her to be rational, when she is clearly emotional. Then, you expect gratitude. Not many WAS's are showing gratitude.
Of course everything is your fault, you're the bad guy in her eyes and you won't be able to convince her that she is wrong with words. So the old rule is:
"Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does".
She tried to get you to feel bad and you let her when she guilt-tripped you for having plans with your S on your weekend. Is your wife really slow mentally? Or is she just doing this to hurt you. If she's doing it to hurt, stop letting it get to you.
You need to expect her to say some BS to get you fired up and right where she wants you. Don't take the bait.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I do need to remember that having no expectations keeps me safe from getting riled up about her choices, statements, and actions.
Curious on another front...2 week’s ago when W got into mariatal home while I was out of town to get S6 swim suit, I have come to notice several pictures missing with only frames left. Also our wedding book appears out of no where in our entertainment hutch. I do believe W did this deliberately.
When she initially left, she left any pictures of us together up and actually placed some that were out of site for a time back into display. I don’t know if that’s apart of the MLC or WAS script to maximize the pain...but I do believe this placement of our marriage book is just plain evil.
Has anyone else had a similar experience where W or spouse essentially vanishes you from memory?
I’m 5 months into this and I know it shouldn’t bother me at this point, but is this testing of some sort?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
My W was in the marital home for 4 months before I moved back in and she moved out. During the first half of that time, all of the pictures of the two of us, and messages on the fridge and the like were all still up. When I got back to move in, she had cleared out everything. Just today I found a box with some of the pictures of us in them. That was hard to see. But there are still more that I don't know if she took them, burned them, or what. I also have no idea where my wedding ring since I left it in the house when I moved out. If she left it here, I haven't found it yet.
Don't read into it. That's just mind-reading and not productive. It's okay to have a reaction, but don't let it take you over. Hold the emotion lightly.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Had to interact with W yesterday regarding S6 schedule this week, as W’s deceased moms birthday is this upcoming Saturday she is hosting some family friends to celebrate her life. This weekend is mine and I have been more than flexible in regards to her planning events centered around her. I expected her to give me an extra day with S6 in exchange so I had him equal, and she couldn’t in her her justify why that would be fair to her.
I didn’t react to her logic, and stayed from in my expectations that S6 get an extra day with me. His interaction was between texts so when I held firm she tried to call me on 3 separate occasions to sort out. I let the phone go to VM and she got madder every time I didn’t respond. I just need to keep it transparent and over text/email as I’ve been burned 4 times by her in the last month from her gaslighting tactics.
I don’t know if I would say W is a narcissist, but geez it’s been so self serving and all about her since BD. I do feel it may be sings of the MLC. Does anyone’s WAW or MLC show these signs? Am I handling correctly?
This is going to be tough week, as not only is W moms birthday remembrance, it also what would be our 10 yr anniversary. I have no expectations, but fear I’m going to be more downtrodden and grieving the loss of MR as it was.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Hi EZ. Some of the behaviours you are describing have / are happening to me so it is surely a pattern. My BD happened just as we started major building works to renovate our house, something we had been planning for literally years. This has made the awful situation even harder. She threw pictures and memories of us in the building refuse, I also cannot find my wedding ring and all memories of our marriage have been erased. It is trying to inflict maximum pain I think. Don’t let it work. And narcissist - yes I think I am dealing with one too. Cake eating, gas lighting and inexplicable anger galore, even though this is what she wants. Bizarre. Oh and our house is still upside down, sleeping on mattresses etc. Urgggh.
Has anyone else had a similar experience where W or spouse essentially vanishes you from memory?
W said to me "Gosh you're tall"... as if she had forgotten. Last week she found a dress that she has worn a lot for years and couldn't remember even owning it. I said she had bought it when we were on a holiday. She threw it across the room as if she didn't want that good memory. She has all new clothes now as if trying to erase the past. W has rewritten our entire history together. I don't know why she feels the way she does.
I have another problem. My W can't remember what she did yesterday. I mean her memory is really really bad. Yet she can remember how terrible I was 17 years ago on a random Thursday night after work.
Selective memories. That is what WASs/WSs have. They remember what they want to remember. And forget what they don't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Does this ever get better if they ever come out of the fog? I never know what to expect when I interact with her. The other day when we had to converse about S6 academic performance with his teacher, she calls me “hun”, “sweetie”.....stuff when we were still a team.
This of course gets me to start analyzing....but catch myself pretty quick and stop and continue detaching.
Just tough as 6 months ago she was talking about getting her ring modified for our 10th.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
