My dilemma is avoiding the R talk or accusing her of hiding/saving money to move out. I should be doing the same. All the household bills are being paid out of joint account. I keep about $200 - $300 a month for my CC's for my spending cash like lunches, gifts and etc. When she decides to move out, I'll be up $it creek.
Bringing up that conversation puts pressure on her. Questioning her is a form of pursuit since I'm really temp checking to find out her motivation for it.
Thaughts anyone?
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
If you two are separating you HAVE TO have a talk about finances. Maintaining a joint account while separated is not a great idea. I moved out in a hurry and we didn't have talk about finances in depth, and while I was away W spent 1.3k a month on her credit card which drew from our joint account. I didn't want to see that or deal with that, so we drew up a financial plan that worked for us. It would have been better to set that up ahead of time.
You need to protect yourself financially. The trick is having the conversation in a way that is not controlling, but is assertive and standing up for yourself. I didn't bring up my W's spending at all, just said that it would be better for both of us to have individual accounts.
Vanilla gave me some good advice:
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I am actually going to say the exact opposite. My main core skill is finance.
So unless you make arrangements which are fair to both of you this may blow up in your face. You will be living apart, each paying your own bills. And not knowing what she is doing with money will drive you crazy. J9 has it spot on, once you are apart this could get acrimonious. Agree a good fair position now before separation and a start date. Agree a maximum on her credit card after that she refunds.
Once you have that steady then it will remove much acrimony.
It could get awful and cost a lot of L fees. Integral means you include everything, you discuss what happens if either loses their job or gets promoted.
This is a strong masculine leading position. It has to be done.
Fall short of making it a separation agreement and agree neither of you has taken legal advice and that it can be modified. Find a spreadsheet you can copy with all the expenses on it.
Her credit card and salary can be from her account and you agree an extra amount to steady the ship one way or another depending on life circumstances.
The last thing you need or want is battles with Ls on finances.
I think you can both be reasonable, it's a good place to validate, set boundaries, make agreements and stick to them.
V
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Spent the afternoon at the park with D. Went to dinner with W & D. No card or gift from W. I didn't give her the one I bought.
Told her we needed to look into our finances and both start saving for our separate places. She said she couldn't save because every dollar goes into paying bills. I told her than we have to do something with the finances and cut some luxury items, cable TV, internet, clothes, and prepare for separate lives.
I got zero response. Just looked out the window. At dinner she started conversation with small talk and decided we needed to take D to get her ears pierced after dinner. Now we are home and she's watching TV in living room and I'm watching same show in bedroom.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
Stryk - one of the things I learned in DR is that timing is so important. Why would you choose at a dinner on your anniversary in front of your daughter to bring up finances for separation?! How did you THINK the conversation would go?
My advice is to tell W you want to talk about it and set a time so that she and you can both be prepared. Did you have any numbers or plan or strategy on finances? How does cutting these “luxury” things ACTUALLY change your financial outlook?
Treat it like you would a business transaction. You wouldn’t walk up to your colleague and expect to have a long discussion with them unannounced. You’d set a meeting with an agenda, etc.
