Thank you everyone for replying. It felt good to read your posts. cdn2a I like your joke. So, after thinking about the different replies , I decided to wear the ring until the end. I also read the lighthouse story and could identify with it a lot. As for doing the cooking, laundry and stuff I have not reached a conclusion and have to think it over rather then do one thing today and another tomorrow. My H is actively searching for apt now, as my S14 told me. So I am prepared or can prepare myself for that step and in some ways detaching will be much easier. I had some conversations with S14 over the week. He is struggling a lot with the situation. I told him I do not want the R to end, but dad wants, but dad told him the opposite, that I am so annoyed by him and do not want him anymore. That is so confusing for him. ( and for me). I told him that sometimes people interpret the same situation in different ways. I can not tell him, that his dad is lying. For the boys sake I do not think I want to exclude H from my cooking. I figure I can still detach. We have not talked much, only very few organizational things. I have been out for a birthday brunch today and been very busy with work this week.So I guess GAL is going ok. He goes out some times too but I do not ask where, neither does he. I keep my distance, but still want to be able to like the way I treat others, including H. After all I am a role model for the kids. Maybe I will have a talk with H, so he takes over more of responsibilities at home. I would not mind if he would fix dinner for a change. That would be a nice change.
My advice is if you are still married, wear your ring. People take their ring off so that others can see they are available. If you do not want to be available, and you want to save your marriage, then you should wear your ring NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SPOUSE DOES! This is not a tit-for-tat. This is about what is the right thing to do.
I have not seen my wife in more than a year now and I still regularly wear my ring. Not every day, but most times. I am still emotionally attached and not ready for other women to approach me. Personally I see it as a sign of strength and commitment as well as self-protection to keep wearing it.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
I think I would like to get some advice here on how to handle my H´s long distance EA. When he was taking a walk yesterday in the rain for no obvious reason, I was sure he did it to talk to the OW. I donor know how to deal with it. Do I let him know, that I know? Do I just ignore? Also I am still unsure about the house work issues. Should I just tell him to do his part under the current circumstances? Looks like he will be in the house for at least two more months. I did not know how hard it obviously is to find an ap in our area. I wish I was more detached instead of lying awake at night. At least it helps to know, that others are going through the same. Work week will be easier. I should start making plans for the next weekend
H just came home. I had not seen him since Sunday, since I leave for work early and he didi not come home until midnight yesterday, as S 14 says. I was hoping to be in my room when he comes home, but he came while was still saying son good night. I cannot even stand looking at him at the moment. I just said hi without even looking at him. I feel so betrayed, but need to deal with it in a more mature way, if he really plans on staying for 2 more months. At the moment I wish he would leave asap, Will go to meet up now and join some groups. I hate that I am avoiding him and hide in my own house. I should just look him in the eyes, because he is the one who has things to hide, not me. Today I do not feel like I ever would want him back.
My advice is to quit using your son to keep tabs on him, your H will figure that out and feel the pressure.
Detachment comes with time and work. It's not easy to let go of the person that you were so invested in. But you'll realize that you need to be the steady one who is not affected by the emotional ups and downs of your H.
As for handling the EA, I wouldn't confront him about it until you are ready to take action and stop being there for him.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I hope you keep posting. I know it's tough. Still trying to work the process myself, but sometimes it feels like it's sailed far beyond your grasp. I'm not saying hold out hope for your old relationship. Think of it as holding out hope for a new one. One where your a better version of you.
Update: I had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday i was out all day with S12. Had planned to go by myself and meet some colleagues, but was as good this way. GAL does not mean neglect the kids after all. You never know for how long they want to spent time with you. I also went running today and was very happy with my time. I plan on running a 10 k soon. All this running this year, at first out of frustration and now for fun made me quite fit. During the run I ran into H, who was out „running“ too, but was walking and talking on the phone, when I passed him from behind. I have to say, since I kind of knew this, it did not hurt anymore. More the opposite, now he definitely knows, that I know, without me having to say anything. It also helped with my house task problems. On Friday I did all of mine and the kids laundry and for the first time intentionally left his part out, although it was more work to sort through everything. I meant on telling him Friday night he could use the washing machine all weekend long, since I was done, but I chickened out until this morning. After the run, dinner question came up, and since everyone but him had leftovers from yesterday’s takeout, I told him that( he should have known, since we ate together yesterday, but who knows where his thoughts are). So he was a little annerved, but I said, well if you order something, you will have something for tomorrow as well. H: so I should fix my own meals all the time now. That is stupid. So he suggested to get/ make dinner on some days for all and me on other days, but when pressed on schedule he just came up with One day. So we see how that works. I then also told him, that we now would take turns house cleaning or he could use the basement bathroom and clean that himself. Well he does not want the basement bathroom and will clean next weekend. I am glad this is finally out, although I am not proud about the way it came out. I wish I had talked to him on Friday night properly instead of the way it was now kind of between two doors with maybe the boys listening, but I think they were busy with their video games, and we were not fighting or anything. I feel quite detached today, just not so sure about the lovingly part in it. Is that possible at all, to lovingly detach. For me I feel detached on some days, more and more recently, but at the same time the loving part seems to deminish. Just writing this, makes me sad.
So today H told me he will sign the lease for his apt on Monday and will move out in about 5 weeks. Since I knew it would be coming, I reacted cool and told him I was happy for him. Conversation went ok for a while, but I messed up and turned it towards divorce. Should not have done that. It’s always complicated, coming from a different country with different laws makes it more complicated,. If it comes to that,I want divorce in our home country, where we got married, since that would be financially more favorable for me, also there a one year separation is required. He wants it here, so he can date earlier. There is so much going on in my head at the moment. I haven’t cried yet, but will probably break down, once the lights are out. Well life goes on. Tomorrow I will go apple picking with the kids. There are a lot of good things in my life, that I can focus on.
Just two quick questions: 1. Do I ask him for the keys, when he moves out? The house belongs to both of us. 2. What do I/ the kids do on his moving day? Is it better for the boys to be around and help dad carry boxes, or better spend the weekend away and return to the house, when he is gone? Or should they spend the night at his place? Just too complicated. The worst part is thinking about the upcoming holiday season. It makes me so sad to know, that I will have to spend some of those special times without my boys. That does not seem fair.
So sorry to hear about what you are going through. This MLC or depression or whatever it is, is so darn hard. Excruciating, really. I don’t know what the “right” answer is to your questions. My H still has a key to our home because he hasn’t fully moved out and is not yet sure that is the direction he wants to go. He just knows he needs to be away right now. He is also spending a few days a week with our kids in our home as I have other things going on. However, he is aware on some level that he has lost the right to just come and go as he pleases. If he is coming by, he asks me if it is okay ahead of time. In your case, with your H signing a lease and moving boxes and the OW, I would probably ask for his key. The house may technically belong to him as well but he has made it clear he does not live there. Question #2... that is a tough one. My gut instint would be to make myself scarce. If my H ever decides to move out fully and head towards D, that is one move out day I would feel perfectly happy and justified to let him handle on his own. So I vote for taking off for the weekend. I think it will be easier on you in the long run. With respect to your boys, I would give them a choice about what they want to do. This is not just the break up of a marriage, your H is breaking up a family. I’m sure this move is not something they are happy about either. I would not subject them to it unless they want to be there. And your H would be a complete A** if he expected them to help. I think he has clearly lost that right.
So that is my two cents. If you can find posts by BluWave on here, I would read them. Her H took off for 10 months and then returned. I find her posts very helpful and reassuring. I KNOW how painful this is... how incredibly unfair. Stay focused on you... detach... GAL. I have my first “girls’ night” on Wednesday. My twin and I and a good friend are going out for dinner. We are going to make girls’ night a regular Wednesday night appointment. Prior to my H moving out, he and I had talked about making Wednesday our date night but that is kind of out the window now so I decided to make it my date night... with myself. He is going to be coming over every Wednesday after work to spend the evening with our kids...cook them dinner, monitor homework, put them to bed, etc... while I’m out with friends. I am so looking forward to it!! I’ve spent the majority of the last few years waiting for my husband to “get better” so we could get our life back. I’m not waiting any longer. He will do what he does and maybe there is an “us” at the end... time will tell. But in the meantime, I am getting myself together and finding out what makes DejaVu happy. Crazy as it sounds... despite my periodic meltdowns of terror... I am grateful that things have happened the way they have because at least I am no longer in limbo... I am moving forward with hopefully a minimal amount of backward steps. Keep posting. I think it helps immensely. ((((KIWI))))
Dejavu, thank you for your reply. I came to similar conclusions like your suggestions. I asked the boys about moving day and S12 says he wants to away, while S15 feels obliged to help( H had hernia done in may). I also decided I will ask him to not enter the house without my knowledge, kind of by appointment only. Glad you have your Wednesday. For me it is Thursday. We agreed that that would be the day he will have the boys in the future and also one of the days he cooks dinner now. Just Yesterday I had my first Pilates group. I am looking forward to doing it every week now and then coming home to a set dinner table at least for the next 4 weeks. With him cooking it is a funny feeling. It has never ever happened since our very first week or so. Now I insisted on him participating in household chores, so he cooks for all of us. On the one hand it is really hard for me to not help at all, when I hear him in the kitchen. And I have to confess it is kind of cute. Men in the kitchen are kind of attractive. Well I can’t have him, but at least the dinner.
