Agree with Vapo over the S sitch. But even still, let her come to you. You are her rock. Rock's do not move. When she needs you to lean on she will come to you. Do not use the sitch with her S as an excuse to chase and pursue.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am wearing my wedding ring. that doesn't signify I made a final determination about what to do, but we are still married and it's the right thing to do. plus I don't want you to think I'm trying to pick up dudes with my ringless finger.
What's the reply???
The right reply was NO reply. Though your short reply wasn't terrible. Remember, DO NOT RESPOND UNLESS ASKED A DIRECT QUESTION.
As far as her wearing the ring, or at least saying she is: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Lots of reasons why she is pulling this potentially, just do not read anything into especially positive.
Thanks, and I agree.
What do you think are the reasons she did/texted it?
I mean, as far as I knew, she was 'committed' to the M, not looking for dudes, and wearing the ring when she first hit on the loser OM. So it really doesn't mean anything in that regard.
As for S. Her and brother left this morning to go handle the sitch. I'm being supportive as I can (I'm no psychiatrist). She is 99% of the time calling, texting, and initiating coversations with me about it. The most I'll ever initiate is like 'how's it going?'
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I am wearing my wedding ring. that doesn't signify I made a final determination about what to do, but we are still married and it's the right thing to do. plus I don't want you to think I'm trying to pick up dudes with my ringless finger.
What's the reply???
The right reply was NO reply. Though your short reply wasn't terrible. Remember, DO NOT RESPOND UNLESS ASKED A DIRECT QUESTION.
As far as her wearing the ring, or at least saying she is: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Lots of reasons why she is pulling this potentially, just do not read anything into especially positive.
Thanks, and I agree.
What do you think are the reasons she did/texted it?
I mean, as far as I knew, she was 'committed' to the M, not looking for dudes, and wearing the ring when she first hit on the loser OM. So it really doesn't mean anything in that regard.
As for S. Her and brother left this morning to go handle the sitch. I'm being supportive as I can (I'm no psychiatrist). She is 99% of the time calling, texting, and initiating coversations with me about it. The most I'll ever initiate is like 'how's it going?'
So I would stop the 'how's it going?" Let her come to the rock.
Also, you asked: "What do you think are the reasons she did/texted it? "
No one knows, maybe even including her. Maybe it is because she is going around her family and they don't know about your sitch? And they'd ask, why are you not wearing your ring? Maybe it is because she gets hit on all the time with it off? Maybe it is a step towards R? Maybe it is because the sky is blue?
Mind reading will get you no where.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Pondering on the thing WW does/did is utterly pointless. No reason to preoccupy yourself with it. I call upon you to reread the Sandi's 37, esp. believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Again, do not spend a second on thinking why she did what she did. They will do/say things and the next day deny doing/saying it, wondering if you are losing your mind.
True. Thanks guys. A few weeks ago when we were talking/arguing, she asked what I'd need from her for me to want to work on the M. I told her:
1. 100% committment to the marriage/ reconciling 2. IC, doctor visit, and/or alcohol counseling for her 3. Complete honesty and transparency 4. Putting wedding ring back on 5. Returning to marital bed.
Thus far, she has attended 2 IC appts. As far as I know, has been completely honest with me (not always with stuff I want to hear), hands me her phone all the time to read her sisters texts (of course she could be deleting stuff she doesn't want me to see), and is now wearing her ring again. She also cancelled plans with her friend last friday to come with me to the city. She also asked/agreed to go to a concert at the end of the month with me.
The bad news is: she still isn't committed to reconciling (which is def the most important thing). She still hasnt' returned to the bed. While last friday was awesome, she still made a really bad decision while she was drinking. And I doubt she's putting too much thought and effort into us, with her sisters sitch taking precedent (and rightfully so).
Steve, her brother, sister, and BIL know at least some of our sitch. And since she hasn't worn the ring in 6 weeks, i'm sure her friends and coworkers are well aware of everything too. I have no doubt she gets hit on, with or without the ring. She's drop dead gorgeous. But you guys are right, there's no use thinking about it, or anything until she totally commits
Last edited by Terapin; 09/05/1812:40 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
True. Thanks guys. A few weeks ago when we were talking/arguing, she asked what I'd need from her for me to want to work on the M. I told her:
1. 100% committment to the marriage/ reconciling 2. IC, doctor visit, and/or alcohol counseling for her 3. Complete honesty and transparency 4. Putting wedding ring back on 5. Returning to marital bed.
to let me know when she is seriously considering that and we can go to an MC and discuss it.
See above correction. What she hears is you trying to impose rules on her and control her. Why? Because that's how WAS's think. She's looking for excuses to twist everything you say into something negative. You need a 3rd party to help the two of you work this out so that it doesn't sound like you are attempting to control and manipulate her. Not now, but later when she really is serious about recon.
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Thus far, she has attended 2 IC appts. As far as I know, has been completely honest with me (not always with stuff I want to hear), hands me her phone all the time to read her sisters texts (of course she could be deleting stuff she doesn't want me to see), and is now wearing her ring again. She also cancelled plans with her friend last friday to come with me to the city. She also asked/agreed to go to a concert at the end of the month with me.
I don't think she's anywhere close to being ready for recon. I think this all falls under the classification of "things I did to try and save the M but only proved it was already over." This is what WAS's do, they go through the motions of recon just to tell others they did, not because they are actually interested in recon (that doesn't come until much later).
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The bad news is: she still isn't committed to reconciling
Exactly, which is why you need to double down on your DB'ing instead of groveling for the breadcrumbs she is throwing your way.
Wow AS, that paints a pretty bleak picture! But I appreciate it, and you're probably right.
As far as my 'needs', yeah, I said too much. But come to think of it, that was my reply to when she asked what I would need for me to trust her again.
After her first IC, the C told her basically the same thing regarding MC. That she needs to be 100% committed to it in order for it to have a chance. Apparently she isn't committed at this point, which is why we haven't gone.
I'm still not seeing the point of her tossing any breadcrumbs though. I can never be completely sure, but I do believe she is not in contact with previous OM, or any OM. If nothing else, she knows for certain that there will be no more get out of jail free cards, not only with me, but with her friends and family. She may be still trying to figure out the financial logistics for everything, or again like you said, trying to cross some things off her list of 'having tried'. But if she just wants to cross things off the list, then wouldn't she have scheduled MC yet just to get it over with?
Today is going to be a very stressful day for her, dealing with her sisters sitch. It's bad beyond belief. I'm going to get frequent calls and texts with updates. I'm thinking just keep my replies short and positive?
Last edited by Terapin; 09/05/1802:03 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I think AS is trying to say it’s not time to celebrate and time to double down on GAL.
My W half a$$ed trying for two years prior to filing for D. When we told our kids she said we tried everything to make it work. I just rolled my eyes because I was completely detached at that point.
It is more then likely you will have to go in completely opposite directions before you can come back together.
I do appreciate ASs bluntness. Trust me, I'm not celebrating anything. On one hand, everyone says not to expect much for a while, if ever. I agree. I do feel Iike she's taking some small steps forward, but is quick to not give me too much 'hope'. What she may not know is, I'm still not 100% committed either. There's still a lot of trust issues I'd need to get past. And while she's making some strides to address that, there's still a long ways to go.
Nef, can you expound upon the 'enhanced DB cloak'!?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
