kech, we always talk about the emotional roller-coaster. We usually talk about it in terms of the LBS. However, it is important to remember that the WAS also is on their own emotional roller-coaster.
So yes, this is all normal. However, a lot of times the WAS will hide their emotions. They want the LBS to think they are sure and confident in their decision to leave. When they do show their emotions it is usually to manipulate the LBS. Likely he is trying to weasel back home. Don't fall for it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So yes, this is all normal. However, a lot of times the WAS will hide their emotions. They want the LBS to think they are sure and confident in their decision to leave. When they do show their emotions it is usually to manipulate the LBS. Likely he is trying to weasel back home. Don't fall for it.
This describes my WAW. Not to hijack, but is the only suggestion to keep DBing and let the WAS make the determination of the next steps?
How do we know what is manipulation and what is sincere?
So yes, this is all normal. However, a lot of times the WAS will hide their emotions. They want the LBS to think they are sure and confident in their decision to leave. When they do show their emotions it is usually to manipulate the LBS. Likely he is trying to weasel back home. Don't fall for it.
This describes my WAW. Not to hijack, but is the only suggestion to keep DBing and let the WAS make the determination of the next steps?
How do we know what is manipulation and what is sincere?
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
You will know when they are sincere when their ACTIONS are consistent over a long period of time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
From what ive learned throughout my sitch is that everything that is done by WAS/WW is for their own best interest. Its true that you should believe nothing they say, and only 50% of what they do.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Likely he is trying to weasel back home. Don't fall for it.
This again is where detachment comes in.
Detach from the outcome.
Ketch, it is critical that you can look at your interactions with H as if you were watching two other people. Then you advise yourself on what the "Right thing to do".
Take me for example. You have questions. I have to think about your questions. I have to evaluate many responses. I pick one (or two). I post my response. Let's say somewhere in my future, I learn my partner has been unfaithful. My work here makes it easier for me to respond (logically) the right way even though it might be emotionally devastating. Same thing for you. Thinking about things now makes it easier to make better choices in the future.
Thanks, I have been trying to read more stories of others and chime in. I am so all over the place emotionally I dont know I have any advice to give but I will try. I keep telling myself if he brings up divorce again, thats really the bottom for me. Divorce and custody will be rock bottom for me. And If I can handle my reactions to those conversations, then I can handle anything.
My goals right now are to get through our interactions pleasantly, not to nice him to death but to just try to be me, but brief, and slightly aloof. Ignoring him when he texts sometimes feels like the wrong thing to do. If I want to come off as being okay, isnt ignoring him defeating that? I question this. I ignored the picture he sent last night and today is the first day I havent heard from him at all. Does ignoring him give off the vibe that I am upset?
...If I can handle my reactions to those conversations, then I can handle anything.
I have seen many variations to this:
H "I want a divorce" W "I am sorry you feel that way. I see many options to solving our problems. but if D is THE ONLY way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
or
W "I am sorry you feel that way. I see many options to solving our problems. but having relationships with other women before the D is finalized.....
There are lots of other things that can be said with this statement.
Draft up your response. We can help. The key is to Think about your response beforehand.
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My goals right now are to get through our interactions pleasantly, not to nice him to death but to just try to be me, but brief, and slightly aloof.
Good goals. Strong confident women are attractive.
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Ignoring him when he texts sometimes feels like the wrong thing to do.
You are in a difficult spot with daughter being so young. I believe it is important for you not to stand in the way of H relationship with D. Most WAS do that on their own.
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If I want to come off as being okay, isn't ignoring him defeating that? I question this.
I don't know if ignoring things works. Projecting that you will be OK either way is good. Calling him on his disrespectful behavior is good.
I believe when he cross your boundaries, you enforce.
"H:When you come into the house to spend time with D and your attention is on your phone, I question your real motivation to be here. I am sure who ever it is, can wait until you are done spending time with D.
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I ignored the picture he sent last night and today is the first day I haven't heard from him at all. Does ignoring him give off the vibe that I am upset?
Who knows. He want's to behave like a single man. Hopefully he continues to put being Dad ahead of other distractions.
You do not need to respond to ANYTHING immediately. Next time in person:
W "I like the picture you sent" (Short and sweet)
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks. Ya I would not ignore any texts he sends regarding D, but sometimes he will text with small statements or like last night randomly sending me a picture..I of course want to respond but I wonder if he has any clue what he is doing to me sometimes. He is very aware Ive been trying to save our marriage, its been a week since I said "show me your phone or I will assume you are with OW and I cant have you live here". Of course I still want to save our marriage, but he is gone now, I havent just magically stopped loving him. And everytime he texts me and its like he doesnt even see what he is doing to me.
I am so lost without him, and I need to detach, and he makes it very hard sometimes because I feel like he will do anything to get a response from me. When really I just want to tell him "I am not ignoring you. I am just trying to find my place as a single mom and tackle everyday the best I can moving forward. Ive been trying so hard to fix our marriage..that is clearly not happening so now I just need some time to figure out what it is that I WANT."
Its like yes I want him to text me, absolutely. But its never what I want to hear. I will always be open when it comes to coparenting and I will always respond about D for sure, but other things right now I just dont know the right things to say because my emotions are EVERYWHERE. And sometimes I feel like his texts are an attempt to pull me into a conversation, just to know he still has me on the hook. And then he will pull me down the emotional rabbit hole of things like "we love eachother" just to let me down with "but it isnt the same". Or something along those lines.
I wish I could get a grip on my own emotions, Im mad, im sad, im struggling alone. One minute I know I am a catch, the next im thinking im about to be a divorced single mom at the age of 31, only married 3 short years to the man Ive been with 9 years, who just a year ago confessed how every year it gets better and better. I become SO angry with him sometimes I swear I could drive up to the bar I KNOW HES IN and pull his no good a** out of there! I want to say to him WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Throwing our lives away FOR THIS?! Any woman he has met there is not half the woman I am. Gosh if I met him now I would stay far far away.
But thats not the case.So I hold on the amazing man I fell in love with and built a life with who now seems to want none of it. Do men normally have successful relationships when staying with OW? He once told me last time I made him leave, that he was continuing to talk to OW bc why wouldnt he if I wouldnt talk to him.....The knowledge behind that is just absolutely ridiculous, but he said it. I hold on to the fact that he has ended it repeatedly with her through this process. Yes, he goes back to her it seems, but I worry it could be something he truly tries to have as his future.
Again, IM ALL OVER THE PLACE, bc if he is seeing someone at the bar he is always at here, then that is not the original OW. But at this point, im sure he has multiple. Especially now that he doesnt have to sleep here every night like he was.
kech at this point only answer texts that have a direct question in them. And answer as short as possible. Yes and no questions should get yes or no answers.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
