Thanks for the feedback. I agree timing is important. I wanted to introduce the finances discussion on the drive to dinner. I didn't expect to get into the nuts and bolts at dinner. I don't want her to stay because of lack of finances. She is going to leave the M regardless. But her spending is keeping her home. Spending on our S is on full throttle. He has the lifestyle of a rock star. Our D has clothes arriving almost daily. She spends 10-15 dollars a day for lunch and a make-up, hair, and beauty budget of a movie star.
I would like to see where we stand on finances so I know (more or less) what I will be paying after separation.
One of my goals is to get a vehicle and become more independent. At this time there is No way we can afford another car payment. I have a business venture I would like to get going too. She has me bent over a barrel at the moment paying for her lifestyle while stacking on the debt.
I think she is slow playing separation because she is getting what she wants without working on marriage or separation.
Thoughts?
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I'd speed up the "separation". If she only keeps you around to finance her lifestyle, do you really want that anyways?
Don't let her hide money without some check on it. Protect yourself there, and let her feel what it's going to be like if she leaves. Don't cushion her fall.
Your WW has a BMW, and you have nothing? That's a bit strange, but just last week she wanted a new car? You could sell the BMW and each have a decent car, right? Why wouldn't you do that?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr, funny you should say that. Lol. I've done some checking. Her dad has access to her other account and he said it's always low balance. Our Son has college visits over the next 2 months and after they will be visiting our home. I can't mess with our S's college scholarship opportunities. I will have to wait at least 2 months to move things along. We will be out of the prime months to sell our house. We will only be able to make a few thousand in profits as opposed to 10 thousand each in the summer. My buddy is a real estate agent and said prime time already passed.
Today she said I should buy a truck.......... but, i would need to trade the BMW in so WE could afford it. What I think she is really she trying to do is have me eat the underwater portion of her BMW! So after the separation, she will be able to buy a Tahoe without trading in her BMW that she owes more than what it's worth. Just my guess but it makes cents.
Now, as far as the cushening her fall, I already know she won't be able to keep up the lifestyle without credit cards. I can live off basics. I will have to buy a bed, fridge, washer, dryer. Apt around here don't have garages. That is a must for me and my wood projects that bring in extra income for me.
I'll post more in the morning. I'm falling asleep right at the moment.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
I agree timing is important. I wanted to introduce the finances discussion on the drive to dinner.
That still seems like an odd time, dont you think. At a relaxing time out, youve given her a lot of things to think about and be upset about and stew over. Why associate something like finances and separation with something like a relaxing family dinner? Thats what Im saying...how were you expecting her to react? To just say "OK" and then go on with the evening?
Originally Posted by Stryk2
I didn't expect to get into the nuts and bolts at dinner. I don't want her to stay because of lack of finances. She is going to leave the M regardless. But her spending is keeping her home. Spending on our S is on full throttle. He has the lifestyle of a rock star. Our D has clothes arriving almost daily. She spends 10-15 dollars a day for lunch and a make-up, hair, and beauty budget of a movie star.
And this is why Im saying you need to be prepared. What is the income, what are the bills, etc. What are you proposing? I just dont think you can set this discussion and tell her what she can or cant do. Figure out what is available, what is necessary for you, and figure out how to work together to solve the issue(s). How would you handle a budgeting issue at work?
Originally Posted by Stryk2
One of my goals is to get a vehicle and become more independent.
Maybe Im missing something, but Im having a lot of trouble understanding how she is driving a BMW (and a Tahoe? or possibly and a Tahoe in the future...) and you have nothing...
Seems like these issues the two of you have go back pretty far if you sacrificed even having a car so that she can have a BMW. Why did you agree to that?
Originally Posted by Stryk2
She has me bent over a barrel at the moment paying for her lifestyle while stacking on the debt.
Like Im saying above, why are you putting this blame onto HER? I mean, this seems like a long pattern of her spending and you sacrificing? Why has this been OK all of this time? Why is it OK now?
Sorry, I'm replying on a tablet so I can't do the quote boxes. I'll try and respond and make sense.
The timing thing. She zones out on social media and TV and doesn't want to talk about anything of importance to me. The car ride was kind of captive audience type thinking. My window for any type of communication is minimal even though I don't bring things up. She initiates all conversation.
As far as the vehicle, she has always had nice vehicles. And so have I for that matter. I just don't get new ones all the time. I like my vehicles and become attached to them. She gets a new to her car every few years. Before the BD, the plan was for me to get another truck in time. It was nice having a lower payment for my sons car and it relieved a little stress with money. We planned on paying off some debt with the extra cash flow. I planned on getting an older used truck since the need wasn't as bad.
Then came the college opportunities we didn't know we were going to have. The debt grew and grew. I thought we would be OK. That again was before the BD. As far as BMW, she has had several over the last 6 years. (Leases)
Since BD, she has really amped up the spending and it hasn't been ok with me. It has been a trigger point with her trying to say I'm too controlling of her. It's been her reason to start arguments with me. As far as spending for our S, I have become enemy #1 for trying to keep her son from opportunities. (He is my step son) this is not the case. I just worried about all the spending.
I agree that I have always tried to provide for her and the kids. I'd work 3 jobs to provide. So would she, but I became a hurdle to her spending and getting what makes her happy. But yes, I have always sacrificed. Like my father did for my mom, my brother and I. I never saw anything wrong with it until now.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
The timing thing. She zones out on social media and TV and doesn't want to talk about anything of importance to me. The car ride was kind of captive audience type thinking. My window for any type of communication is minimal even though I don't bring things up. She initiates all conversation.
I feel like the rule for "dont initiate conversation" is to avoid the random talks to lead to R discussions. Or to "pester" her. I think it is completely appropriate to initiate a conversation to talk about finances. I understand the social media thing....but I think if you propose a time or day when you will be ready to talk, it gives her a chance to think and prepare. I just dont agree that starting a serious conversation in the car in front of your daughter at the start of a "family night" is going to prove to be a good discussion.
Originally Posted by Stryk2
As far as the vehicle, she has always had nice vehicles. And so have I for that matter. I just don't get new ones all the time. I like my vehicles and become attached to them. She gets a new to her car every few years. Before the BD, the plan was for me to get another truck in time. It was nice having a lower payment for my sons car and it relieved a little stress with money. We planned on paying off some debt with the extra cash flow. I planned on getting an older used truck since the need wasn't as bad.
Then came the college opportunities we didn't know we were going to have. The debt grew and grew. I thought we would be OK. That again was before the BD. As far as BMW, she has had several over the last 6 years. (Leases)
Since BD, she has really amped up the spending and it hasn't been ok with me. It has been a trigger point with her trying to say I'm too controlling of her. It's been her reason to start arguments with me. As far as spending for our S, I have become enemy #1 for trying to keep her son from opportunities. (He is my step son) this is not the case. I just worried about all the spending.
So over the past few years, you have sacrificed and sacrificed and sacrificed. And in the meantime, she has done the opposite.
How can you put all of the blame onto her? It sounds like a relationship dynamic that needs more communication.
I was in the exact same spot with XW. We never talked about finances and I was always the "bad guy" that had to say "no" to all of the things she wanted to do. Or I had to stress myself out trying to figure out how to make what she wanted happen. I was always willing to sacrifice - wearing old clothes/shoes, driving the old car, etc. And it just meant there was more money for her to spend - it didnt lead to actually saving anything.
It isnt a healthy dynamic. How can you change it, regardless of whether or not you reconcile with her?
The timing thing. She zones out on social media and TV and doesn't want to talk about anything of importance to me. The car ride was kind of captive audience type thinking. My window for any type of communication is minimal even though I don't bring things up. She initiates all conversation.
I feel like the rule for "dont initiate conversation" is to avoid the random talks to lead to R discussions. Or to "pester" her. I think it is completely appropriate to initiate a conversation to talk about finances. I understand the social media thing....but I think if you propose a time or day when you will be ready to talk, it gives her a chance to think and prepare. I just dont agree that starting a serious conversation in the car in front of your daughter at the start of a "family night" is going to prove to be a good discussion.
This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
