It really [censored] waking up and living the same nightmare over and over again every day. Its getting tougher to keep doing this every day. At this point i dont know if my db'ing should include the way i interact with W? Should i still be the lighthouse? Should i still leave the road back home paved smooth? Custody battle looms too, and thats where i draw tje line. I wont cover or lie for her anymore when it comes down to it. Shes thrown me under the bus repeatedly.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I think the first thing is always to protect yourself, legally, financially, and emotionally. That is non-negotiable. You need to prepare yourself for the legal issues related to the divorce, to custody issue, to money issues. You also need to keep working on detachment so that you don't keep giving her the power to affect you emotionally. That's why getting out of the house, GALing, and working on yourself are so important.
After all of that, if you can still manage to be nice, pleasant, cheerful, strong and assertive -great. But I think you are putting the cart before the horse if you focus on those things first. Being pleasant is always a good idea with anyone, but not if it means you are exposing yourself emotionally or letting her roll over you financially. This process is more about saving yourself than saving your marriage. If you are able to save yourself and find the balanced, strong, assertive person inside of you then perhaps there is a chance that the W will see that and come back. But you can't control what she does, and at a certain point it might not even matter to you what she wants to do.
So, by all means, be the lighthouse, pave the way back, but protect yourself and shift your focus onto yourself. You deserve a lot more than the sh#t sandwich your W is currently serving you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Im having trouble holding it together since last night. I wanted to just be able to hold and hug my wife and tell her that i love her. Not being able to do that is killing me and knowing my W has those feelings for OM is tearing me up.The last 12 hours have been rough. It s*cks knowing that everything we worked for is gone, and that oir short lived marriage isnt what i thought it was.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
The marriage is only a part of your life. You have you to rebuild. You have the chance to become the best you you can be. It really is a gift. I know it does not seem like it, but it is. Go for a walk, go some place in the wild and just let your feelings out. Scream from the top of your lungs, take a baseball bat to the trash can, vent it out. We've all been there, it does get better, trust me.
Besides that, you have your S, he needs a role model in his life. You have to be the best friggin' dad in the world for him.
Im having trouble holding it together since last night. I wanted to just be able to hold and hug my wife and tell her that i love her. Not being able to do that is killing me and knowing my W has those feelings for OM is tearing me up.The last 12 hours have been rough. It s*cks knowing that everything we worked for is gone, and that oir short lived marriage isnt what i thought it was.
eq, I understand the struggle. I also struggled with things like this.
However, think of it like this: Did you ever have a girl/woman that was into you but you weren't into them? Could you imagine holding and hugging and telling this person you love them? The thought of that probably turns you off, doesn't it? The more that woman/girl pushed themselves on you the further you tried to distance yourself from them, right?
Now, your W is you and you are that woman/girl (not really, but in those places in the above.) Do you really want to invoke in her feelings of turn off? Of wanting distance?
When you realize those things will do more harm than good (right now) it should help a little. Think of the end goal, not the current state. By not trying to do that today it might mean you get to do that later on. So focus on what works! GAL, 180s, detachment!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W is upset because i purchased some very inexpensive clothes today, but didnt give her extra money towards bills. My birthday is coming up and i decided to get myself some dress shirts to celebrate (extremely cheap/but nice looking). Ill be celebrating by myself so at least i can look nice i guess. Pretty sad.
Dont get me wrong, she isnt struggling for money, and shops like crazy. My money is non existent and i rarely ever do anything for myself. I really want to go forward in life looking and being sophisticated in my new life.
On a side note, W was very curious and nosey as to why i was getting clothes and where i was heading to with my new clothes. Not sure if shes upset about an extra few dollars for groceries (which admittedly she probably has a right to be, she doesnt need it but making sure im contributing everything possible is a 180), or if she was just upset i was looking good in new clothes?
How should i handle this one? I just validated by telling her that i understand where shes coming from, and ive left it at that so far. (This is more of a principle thing because after being a mostly stay at home dad, she wants me giving every penny available now)
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
WW also thought that we were having a friendly enough conversation to ask for a back rub. Smh. Cant remember if this was before or after the clothes comments.
I ignored and kept the conversation on whatever the topic was at that moment.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Keep moving forward. You dont have to explain buying new clothes. She has lost her right to that information. Are you contributing what you are suppose to? If so, dont let her guilt trip you.
My W did the same thing. Exactly she started getting jealous, saying things like, I know howbit feels now, referring to me as if I was meeting up with other women when I was GAL. I would dress nice, smell nice and look nice. I would say bye nice as he'll and then I would dip. I wouldn't call or text the whole time I would GAL. At first I was wondering if she was missing me. Than I started to focus more on the GAL. I would come back home and not say a word about my GAL and I kept moving forward with my life. I remember one time I asked my W to shave my back and her words were, "this is my last time im not shaving your back so another b$$!# can enjoy it". I just stood there like wow really. I didn't explain muself when she finished I said thanks and went to GAL.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
