Husband aged, trying 180 (4)

[Ready2Change]

kech at this point only answer texts that have a direct question in them. And answer as short as possible. Yes and no questions should get yes or no answers.

Take all the time you need to decide how to respond. When in doubt, do not respond. Run as much by us as you need. Do not answer R questions.


At some point in the future, here are some words that may be useful:

"I am not sure how I feel about that"
"I need time to think about that"
"I will let you know"

[Ready2Change]

P.S. Trust the process.

Steve is wise. He followed the process.

[kech]

Thanks to you both, those were really helpful responses and ones I now know to follow. Like I said I am task oriented, so not to only answer texts that are direct questions shouldnt be too hard.

When he left last night he didnt say his usual "ill be by tomorrow", and IMMEDIATELY I knew he wasnt going to show tonight, even though when I asked to make a schedule he said he wanted to come every day and then cried and left. So, today, not one text all day. I just KNEW he wouldnt show tonight. And theres no reason he wouldnt show besides having plans of some sort. And my husband NEVER makes plans. EVER. Which means if he is, it is with OW. Makes me literally sick to my stomach as I sit here in our living room, nursing our daughter, and he is no doubt having some sort of date or something.

Never before would he do this. He is skipping a night with his daughter because he made plans with someone else. I saw his truck at another bar around 4:30pm. I know I wasnt supposed to take that street but I did. And there his truck was. He either has brought original OW into town for the night, or there is someone else he has made plans with. And all I can say is what a piece of s*** he is. An absolute piece of s***.

In OUR city, where people could see him, he is so disrespectful its unbelievable. I try to make a schedule with him and he cries and gets upset, but then he can decide he isnt coming one night and not even inform me because he knows whatever his other plans are are WRONG.

Im disgusted that this is all continuing to be on his terms somehow. I do not get it.I kicked him out like I needed to do. I tried to make a schedule with him like I needed to do. and yet he continues to just show up whatever time he wants, and now NOT come when hes made other plans. And then he will want to come tomorrow and he will be livid if I say no. AND he wants to have her to do something this weekend! How is this fair? How is everything just so easy and works out so simple for him?

Its a Wednesday night, he literally has MADE PLANS to be with OW and I know it. He hasnt planned any type of date for him and I in months and here he is making plans with someone else instead of coming to see his daughter. This is a first and I want to throw up. Should I text him? I mean this is SO unfair that he can come and see her as he pleases and doesnt feel the need to inform me of any of it. I feel like daily its a new low. I think I cant be hurt anymore and I am. I knew when he left last night he wasnt going to come today, and then he texted that he wanted to do something with her this weekend. I KNEW that was because he was going to skip a day during the week. I know him SO well. Yet im SO upset by this. Im sick to my stomach.

Do I text him and say something like "are you not coming by to see her tonight?" or do I say nothing

[Ready2Change]

Do not initiate text conversation about tonight.

Do you have a set time for him to visit D this weekend? Focus on that.


W "H you stated that you would like to see D this weekend but did not state a time. Does Friday from 5p to 12p work for you? If I do not hear from you before Friday, I will make other arrangements."

[URE]

I know I should meet with lawyers, I havent brought myself to even start that process.

Meeting with the lawyers is to get yourself educated. It is also about keeping your H from retaining the best lawyers. Please make some calls today.

You don't need to rush into the legal process. If he has met with a lawyer, then you should definitely meet with a lawyer promptly. If he is only threatening to file (as so many people are), he is making the threat in order to control the process and keep you locked in fear. And he is doing that because he is afraid of the legal process. In many legal situations, there is a party who has an incentive to move through the legal process quickly and a party that does not have that incentive. Determine whether that applies to your situation. If you are in a financially stable situation and he is in a less financially stable situation, then you should the process forward slowly.

As for the advice of meeting with the best lawyers in town, that only works if you live in a small town and can conflict out all of the top lawyers. Otherwise, you are wasting your time. Most divorces are very easy to handle from a legal perspective. It is the emotions that complicate things and you are in control of your own emotions.

I understand that all of this is easier said than done, but it is true. The primary skill that lawyers bring to the table is the ability to see things from a neutral and detached perspective.

And if he says he wants a divorce, I would simply say "okay."

[kech]

I won’t text, thanks for the response. He said last night he would like to do something with her this weekend. I said ok and asked what day and he responded “whatever works”. I never responded and 2 hours later he sent me a picture of him and her. I never responded and then haven’t heard from him at all today.

I know he will expect to see her tomorrow, Thursday. He will skip tonight as if no one notices, bc it’s convenient for him and his plans. It’s very frustrating. I’m sure I will hear from him tomorrow. He will feel some guilt about skipping tonight but will not say it. And I will not bring it up bc then that shows I’m focusing on him.

Tomorrow when he is here I will discuss this weekend I guess and tell him what day he can take her and times.

[kech]

URE,

Thank you so much for the feedback. When I kicked him out last week he said he was going to go forward with a divorce. A day or 2 later he told me he started applying for one, he said he was sorry and that our marriage is done. He hasn’t brought it up since then but I am sure he will.

I so not want a divorce, I would like us to try to work through this. But if he goes forward with a divorce I guess I will not really have that choice. I think financially I am in a better position a bit, but he has always said we don’t need lawyers etc.

He is really doing a number on me emotionally, and no matter how much I try to get control of the situation, it seems like he continues to run the show. I don’t know how.

[Ready2Change]

When I kicked him out last week

You gave him a choice. He chose to leave rather than be open and honest with his wife.

[kech]

Ready2change,

You are right. It has been a week since then and my gut tells me he is on a date of some sort with OW tonight. Really taking everything in me to keep it together tonight. No contact from him today whatsoever, I really wish I could go dark for like a month from him. Obviously I cant because of our daughter, but I just feel so hurt and angry with how things are unfolding.

He seems all over the place and then all of a sudden no contact and doesnt come see D. I feel like if he wasnt able to see me AT ALL he would feel the loss. But it cant be done that way in our situation. I will stick to doing this. Steve said trust the process. I will continue to do what I can, GAL, 180, wake up and read Sandi's rules.

I have been reading a lot of threads from Bluwave and wow. She started off by explaining how her and her H are back together and working on things, so it is a feeling of hope to read that. Her very first post sounds verbatim like my H. Her posts were back in 2016, I am only to her 2nd thread now, but I enjoy reading her words of wisdom. She reiterates how she wishes she had gotten out of her own head and stopped worrying so much about what her husband was doing and thinking. She also said her H told her that when she was herself and cordial towards him it made him feel much more guilty about what he was doing and pulled him in a little more, and when she lashed out and was angry or ignored him he would justify what he was doing and become more angry.

Just good things to know, although everyone is different. I dont know what my H wants from me, or needs from me in order to come out of this fog and want to work on our M, but I guess that isnt where my focus is supposed to be because he is not opening up to me about that. I need to really focus on myself and i know that. I get very upset because our D is so young, discussing sharing time is very difficult, and the anticipation of that is really painful for me. but I am trying.

I want him to regret these decisions he is making, but hes having NO consequences whatsoever from them. The only consequence he has felt so far is not being able to live here, and thats part of his doing. But no other consequences so he will continue to live this way which is very sad. VERY sad. Bc this bar life he is choosing with OW and whoever else will never compare to a family life he could be living.

[LANE777]

Kech, his bar lifestyle will never last. It's fun for a while but it all starts to wear down sooner than later. My suggestion to you is to some how some way hit your breaking point. Like I've told another poster. You're better than this! I have also talked to a lady I know. She went through it twice with 2 different men. As soon as she was done, and I mean her mind was made up done. The dude came crawling and crying back. But here's the other part. Her mind was made up. She wanted nothing to do with him. Same story, hanging out at the bars with OW. It got old and he thought "oh she will be there no matter what." She has my kids"...Nope...too late. So just like everyone has told me and told you. You need to let him go so you can be free! Dont use the daughter as an excuse to have interactions. Of course he wants to see her when its conveinant for him. But dont you sit and wait for it to happen. You get your self busy being the freaking Wonder Woman for the D. No kid wants to see their mom or dad all depressed, stressed, unhappy all the time,worrying about every little thing. They want happiness and joy no matter what. Get yourself to that point. To the point you dont need him. Someone told me. Why are you chasing someone who dumped you and is cheating on you? Hell ,I dont know!
The sooner you can get there the sooner you'll be happy. And dont you dare let him back easy if you even want him back at that point, cause he will do it again. Good luck. Stay super positive.