Every time I read your posts for some reason I get extremely angry. She is not in a fog she is playing you to get what she wants. She has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself. A woman can not be in love with a man she has no respect for.
Stop confusing affection with confusion when it is clearly manipulation.
I was planning on going home at the weekend and staying. All the other stuff she can deal with.
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In your signature you say your W is in love with another man but yet you still are intimate with her. This blows my mind.
The only reason we were intimate is because I stupidly fell for it- I resisted at first when she went to hug me- but we were getting on so well and it felt right- what a fool I am eh?
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That you ask how to get your W stop criticizing you in front of the kids. WTF? You don't tolerate that bs. No one will ever say or do to you what you don't allow them to.
So this is a boundary- and instead of getting into an argument, I tell her firmly "I will not be disrespected like this in front of our children" I then walk to another room. It does seem to take the steam out of her spleen.
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You have a lot of work to do my friend! The good news is if you do it and are patient I think you will get another chance with your W. I am willing to bet OM does want nothing to do with 3 young kids and it would be extremely hard for your W to make it in her own.
On previous posts- I have mentioned how I have seen the messages between the two of them and how they want to be together and how he loves kids etc. but in the past I have (stupidly) said things like "he needs to step up, if you want him, let's see if he does" etc. I know this is pathetic but in essence it is true- she needs to decide what she wants and let me know- if she does want the D then I want to move on- but obvs I need a place to live and that I can afford as I cannot stay at my parents house for much longer in any case.
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The thing is if you did the work and started to realize that you are a catch and start to gain some confidence you won't accept being her plan b.
I have told her before I don't want to be her "plan B" but do you think that the plan to move back home is wise move right now- as I am concerned that given that she has previously made FAs against me, she will just call the Police and have me removed in any case- although to be fair at least then I know where she is at and that the D would seem inevitable. What do you think?
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
One of the things I have learned through my journey is to be an attractive man you have to be in control of your emotions. You have to be strong and that means resisting the urge to do things that compromise your values as a man. I am assuming that you are not ok with sharing your W with another man?
This is what you wrote: I have told her before I don't want to be her "plan B"
You should have said: I am not going to be anybody's fuching plan B.
Do you see the difference? It's a process but you have to get there if you want a real relationship with her or someone else.
Lastly about your question:
Your W is in an active affair, is toying with your emotions to get enjoy her fantasy world. If she then makes false allegations against you to the police, you see a lawyer the next day and you file for divorce.
Step 1. Move back into the house Step 2. Ask her to move out and remove all her stuff from the master bedroom
This $hit is not easy but being strong is the only way this turns out how you want it to turn out.
MBE, I really feel for you, I know all these mixed signals are tough to go through. I don't blame you for being intimate with her, so don't beat yourself up too much. In fact Michele even says in DR that it's OK as long as you don't have expectations. But that's the problem, it's very difficult NOT to have expectations that it means something, that it's a turnaround of some sort on the WAS's part. But more than likely she's just engaging in some cake-eating. I don't think she's being malicious, but the trip was a reminder to her of what she's missing and she wanted to have it back again if only for a while. Unfortunately as often happens, once you get back home it's right back to WAS "business as usual". Your response should be to get back to DB'ing basics. Detach. Leave her alone. GAL. Work on yourself. Read Sandi's rules and use those to model your behavior.
I am assuming that you are not ok with sharing your W with another man?
Absolutely *****ing no way!
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You should have said: I am not going to be anybody's fuching plan B.
Yes- I did actually say it in stronger terms that, I said something like "I am your husband I don't want to be your friend and I will not share you with any other man- I will not be a plan B for anyone- and if you think I will hang around your are kidding yourself, because I won't" I then walked away and never invited a response- I said it with firmness and left her in no doubt she looked somewhat taken aback.
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Lastly about your question:
Your W is in an active affair, is toying with your emotions to get enjoy her fantasy world. If she then makes false allegations against you to the police, you see a lawyer the next day and you file for divorce.
Her last comment on this was that she is not having an A, and she thinks she may want to live alone as a single mother- the trouble is she has told me she doesn't want to/ isn't willing to leave the MH- which we are joint tenants on- and because she is a SAHM I have been paying all the bills- since I was forced to leave, I have taken my name of the bills so I am not financially liable to pay them, I have however been paying for 50% of the mortgage and home insurance, and also been paying a generous monthly allowance to effectively pay child maintenance. And this is part of the problem- she is getting benefits as a single parent and getting a healthy allowance from me- but if and when I need to get my own place there is no way I could afford what I am paying her right now- so part of my rationale of moving back home is to stop this status quo- if she wants the D, I cannot move on whilst I am tied to a house that she cannot afford on her own and the payments of which would leave me unable to get my own place in which I can adequately house my children.
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Step 1. Move back into the house Step 2. Ask her to move out and remove all her stuff from the master bedroom
This $hit is not easy but being strong is the only way this turns out how you want it to turn out.
She is still BF the youngest (2 and a half YO) and she will claim she needs the MB as it is upstairs next to his room- if I reclaim the MB she will claim this isn't fair on the children and I don't want the children to suffer.
Last edited by mbe76; 09/05/1807:54 AM.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
You move back into your home and into your bedroom. You do not throw her out or ask her to leave. She is welcome to stay but you do not move out. She can do as she chooses...
Hi mbe. Get some lawyer´s advice before moving home. You need to know what you are entitled to do so there´s no stepping back after your moves. You are going to stand there like a rock. You have the strength, do it.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Ok so I am going to challenge some of the statements you made in your last post.
Your words say that you are not ok with an open relationship and you will not be a plan B. Well right now you are in an open Marriage and you are plan B. How can you change that?
You say your W says she is not in an A but you have viewed messages between them, admit that she is in love with him and have had open talks about them being together.
You moved out of the family home and pay her an allowance. She has the stability of a home, your money, a boyfriend and knows she can have you back at any moment. What is her incentive to change her setup anytime soon?
Your words say that you are not ok with an open relationship and you will not be a plan B. Well right now you are in an open Marriage and you are plan B. How can you change that?
She said she doesn't want me to return home and as she has already made false allegations of abuse, she has said she is "not ready for me to return home" and I know that the sitch [censored], but she has threatened me in the past that she will call the Police if I return home. So simply- I don't know how I can change that- if I return home and she does call the Police I am putting myself in grave risk of further action or worse and I cannot risk that as it will potentially affect my ability to have access to the children. So what can I do? I have sought legal advice today, and I was advised the risk is not worth it as even though I was not charged with DV I still have allegations on file, so my lawyer thinks it would be so simple for her to claim harassment etc. and then where am I? Subject to a non-mol order with little or no access to the children.
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You say your W says she is not in an A but you have viewed messages between them, admit that she is in love with him and have had open talks about them being together.
God- I know this- the simplest thing for me at this stage seems like I should just give in- she doesn't want me at home and she is still messaging him and maybe if I do file for D it may give her a real demonstration that I am not taking her sh*t anymore.
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You moved out of the family home and pay her an allowance. She has the stability of a home, your money, a boyfriend and knows she can have you back at any moment. What is her incentive to change her setup anytime soon?
I am not paying her an allowance as such- she is a stay at home mother and she has sole custody of my children- and I am paying half the mortgage- but yes I get your point- but what do I do? Cut it down altogether- it is my children who would suffer. She is claiming state benefits too- how much I don't know- but her lifestyle hasn't changed one jot.
M(41), W(37) S (6) D (4) S (2) M-8, T-12 W "I don't love you, I am in love with another man" "I don't know you anymore"
So let’s look at what we know right now. She doesn’t want you home, she’s in love with another man, you are paying for a house you do not live in, if you try to move home she will file false charges against you.
What exactly are you trying to save? Do you not deserve better?
Until you truly believe you deserve better you are going to suffer immensely my friend.
