Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[Ready2Change]

Quotes found on Divorcebusting (1)
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (2)
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (3)
Quotes found on Divorcebusting (4)

The forums on Divorce Busting are filled with so much great information. As I read through the posts, I like to grab the nuggets of gold and share. I like to go back and reread the posts to refresh my memory as well.

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I often see people in your position give things up in a separation, ranging from kids, money, to the house, to try to somehow placate their wayward spouse in the hopes that this will avoid making them mad or make them want to come back. This never, ever works and is in fact the worst thing you can do for any outcome. If you get divorced, then you have given up everything to your WW for nothing and you will forever regret ever doing so. But it also makes reconciliation less likely - I have never, ever seen a WW want to come back after "winning" the divorce. They only ever seem to want to come back when they have no money, are losing the kids, cant find a good husband prospect and suddenly realize you are the best available option.

The most 'successful' mindset I have seen for someone in your position is to give up any notion that you can control whether you divorce or reconcile. Being married is a consensus decision and you cant control their decisions. But you can control yourself and that is really what will determine how happy you will be either way. And luckily the actions you need to take are exactly the same - just take care of yourself and put yourself in the position of maximum strength, for yourself and for your kid.

Keep detailed, daily documentation of time and activities with your kid. Do everything you can to wiggle yourself into more time with them while WW is in la la land with OM. Make sure to call or facetime every single day. Document if your WW blocks your communication. You should have an entry every single day, starting today.

2. Get a more consultations with the top attorneys in your area in order to get a wider range of advice on how filing under adultery could work, but also doing so prevents your WW from hiring them.

Correct, do you want the top attorneys trying to take your kids away from you?

get right of first refusal.

4. Gather admissible evidence of adultery. You can hire a service to do electronic forensics to find proof on your jointly owned electronics and accounts. Or a PI to document what she is doing now. Look for even circumstantial evidence of alcohol, drugs (including prescriptions), DUI, leaving your kid alone or leaving your kids with OM. Hire a PI to run some background checks on OM. They can find things you can't. Have all of this in your back pocket for when the time is right.
5. Stick to your plan. Do the 180. No conversations without documentation. Accept that nothing you say can influence her in any way, and assume every single thing you say, text or email to her will be used against you and read out loud in court. Dont negotiate on anything you arent willing to lose. You can negotiate over the candle sticks. But custody and any other untouchables are stipulated in the filing and she can go talk to your lawyer about those things.
6. Take care of yourself, force yourself to get out and meet people, start an outdoor or physical hobby, eat super healthy and hit the weights hard. Slowly but surely you will feel (and look) much, much better, and situations always have a way of improving when your mental outlook improves.

[Ready2Change]

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You can't nice him back. It's a common mistake those that are dealing with waywards make. Waywards are the epitome of selfishness. They will take and take. And as long as you keep giving they will take.

You can stay on the path you're in until he solidifies his plan A. Or you can refuse to sit around and wait and be his plan B. That's what your are right now, his fallback. His safety net. Time to remove the safety net.

[Ready2Change]

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Don't try to predict the future here either. I know you want that crystal ball that tells you everything is going to work out but no one knows.

[Ready2Change]

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DBing is more about NOT doing thing that make it less likely for the WAS to come back to the MR, than it is about doing things to make the WAS want to come back. This is why we say while DBing doesn't ensure reconciling, it improves your chances of eventually getting there.

[Ready2Change]

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This forum is invaluable.I wouldn't be where I am today without finding this and getting advice, other perspectives, but most of the all blunt 2x4s. DO NOT SHY AWAY FROM THE 2x4s! The posters that struggle the most are the ones that are overly sensitive to be told what they are doing wrong.

[Ready2Change]

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Standing your ground is never a mistake, if he can't respect you for standing your ground and being who you are, he never respected you in the first place.

[Ready2Change]

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LBSs struggle because they CAN'T control and CAN'T change their spouse. Your goal isn't to control or change him because YOU CANNOT do that. Your goal is to show him that his decisions have consequences, and the consequences of having an OW are that he doesn't get his family. This is tough, the LBS' instincts are that by being loving and nice they can "win" back the WAS. But this hardly ever works. In fact, if it did, the divorce rate would plummet because almost all LBS go that route.

Waywards especially need tough love. sandi talks about this, that a sense of loss is the only thing that can wake them up from their fog. Doing whatever he wants but still having you on the hook means he doesn't have to change anything. Doing whatever he wants and potentially losing you is the only thing that can make him want to change what he is doing.

[Ready2Change]

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I think I read and reread everything you guys write to me and I do take it all in, and I try to follow it all, but this is the only place for me to really vent so I just continue venting all these fears I have because I have no other outlet....What I am showing him and what I am typing here are 2 different things. I am showing him upbeat, happiness, okay me. Doing things, keeping busy. On here I am falling apart, in the car I am melting down, in the shower, at night alone I am yelling into a pillow. But to his face I am not doing that. He was crying yesterday and I paid it no mind. When he left I didnt reach out to ask why. He eventually contacted me about it. I am trying to fake it to him, detachment, as I am trying to really accomplish it somehow in real life and not sure how.

[Ready2Change]

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Most of all, make it about your child. Give her lots of extra attention and focus on ways to ensure that she feels safe and protected. The kids are the real victims of all of this. And being there for you child is gonna make it all worthwhile. You will realize your worth and importance through the eyes of your child. Dont depend on anyone else to give you that sense of worth.

[Ready2Change]

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I wish I could tell you something to make it better. I can tell you it will get better (it does) and that you may even have a better life than you did before (you will) and that you are going to come out of this stronger and a better person (you will). But when you're in so much pain, and confused, and spinning the words really don't help. I know they don't, because I was right where you are and people told me these things and they didn't help at all. But what I can tell you is this- don't worry about making it a month or a week, just focus on today. Get through today. And if that's too much then get through the next hour. If you feel like you can't do it for you then do it for your kids, because they need you now more than ever. Let tomorrow worry about itself, your only concern is today. Make that your focus.

If you start having suicidal thoughts then go to the doctor and get evaluated for situational depression. Many of us had to go on anti-depressants and it does help even if just taken temporarily (I was on them around 3 months). In my case I thought I was handling things well but then months after BD I suddenly crashed hard. I felt like a hollow shell, like my soul or essence was gone. It took A/D's about a week to start working but once they kicked in I quickly got back to feeling like my old, normal pre-BD self.