Thank you so much for the feedback. When I kicked him out last week he said he was going to go forward with a divorce. A day or 2 later he told me he started applying for one, he said he was sorry and that our marriage is done. He hasn’t brought it up since then but I am sure he will.
I so not want a divorce, I would like us to try to work through this. But if he goes forward with a divorce I guess I will not really have that choice. I think financially I am in a better position a bit, but he has always said we don’t need lawyers etc.
He is really doing a number on me emotionally, and no matter how much I try to get control of the situation, it seems like he continues to run the show. I don’t know how.
If he files for divorce, you need to retain a lawyer so that your spouse does not take advantage of you or manipulate you. And if your goal is to save your marriage, your hiring a lawyer to draw out the process as long as possible, your making it as expensive as possible for your husband, and your taking aggressive positions will likely further those goals. From what I've read it seems like your husband is afraid of the legal process and is lying in order to control that process. That is a common tactic and a common reason why a spouse threatens, but doesn't file for divorce. As the legal process unfolds, your husband may change his mind and soften his position.
Completely agree. Just get yourself educated. The fear goes away.
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If he has met with a lawyer, then you should definitely meet with a lawyer promptly.
Since he is a lier and deceptive, no way to know if he has or not. Idol threats or real? You know your H best. Even if he is in the fog.
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If he is only threatening to file (as so many people are), he is making the threat in order to control the process and keep you locked in fear. And he is doing that because he is afraid of the legal process. In many legal situations, there is a party who has an incentive to move through the legal process quickly and a party that does not have that incentive. Determine whether that applies to your situation. If you are in a financially stable situation and he is in a less financially stable situation, then you should the process forward slowly.
wise words.
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Most divorces are very easy to handle from a legal perspective. It is the emotions that complicate things and you are in control of your own emotions.
I am sure you can DIY divorce. I gave my divorce paperwork to a friend. He used it as an outline for his. Not complicated. My state has a flow diagram of the process on its website.
A mediator can help two people work out details they disagree on. I was in one room with my lawyer. Ex wife in the other with her lawyer. Mediator went back and forth between the rooms. I got "pro-se" written into the contract. IE any future issues are addressed with lawyers.
Lawyers drain the family financially.
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And if he says he wants a divorce, I would simply say "okay."
This stops the arguing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you. Though for kech's sake I must point out that I struggled with the process at times too. kech, what DB espouses is counter-intuitive. All of your instincts will buck against it. You will want to call/text/be with him to tell him how important he is to you. How you don't want D. How you want your D to have both parents in the home. etc.......
The problem is, and I had to learn this the hard way, is that none of that has much chance of working. And even if you could guilt him into staying, in a short amount of time you'd be right back where you are. That is why I say TRUST the process. While it will feel like the wrong thing to do, in the end it gives you the best chance of saving your MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know youre right. I know I need to contact a lawyer, it is very scary. But it needs to happen. I have a feeling he is going through with filing possibly, while in this fog. He hasnt brought it up but I am just WAITING for that bomb drop because I feel it coming.
Originally Posted by LANE777
Kech, his bar lifestyle will never last. It's fun for a while but it all starts to wear down sooner than later. My suggestion to you is to some how some way hit your breaking point. Like I've told another poster. You're better than this! I have also talked to a lady I know. She went through it twice with 2 different men. As soon as she was done, and I mean her mind was made up done. The dude came crawling and crying back. But here's the other part. Her mind was made up. She wanted nothing to do with him. Same story, hanging out at the bars with OW. It got old and he thought "oh she will be there no matter what." She has my kids"...Nope...too late.
Lane, thank you so much. This was very helpful. I hope the lifestyle doesnt last but hes been living it almost a year now. When he first started doing all this he was working in another city and living there during the week, and in the end of September he came home, BD, told me he wasnt in love with me, etc. He went back to the other city and he came home about 3 weeks later a TOTAL mess. He was crying, he told me he hasnt been living healthy and hes been drinking and smoking too much and he felt like a mess and that he just wanted his healthy life back. He said he wasnt ready to say he wanted to be divorced, he wasnt sure what he wanted but that he wanted to be home with me and get his life back.
I thought to myself okay hes coming around, hes realizing he wants to be here. (It had only been 3 weeks since BD but it felt like a lifetime, and i have NO idea about OW at this time). I think that lasted about a week before he was right back to the bar, confused, not sure what he wants, etc etc. The cycle began.
He seems to think that he will always be the type of person who wants to go to the bar after work and have a few beers. He says thats not a big deal and since im not okay with it he says our characters just dont mesh. I have been willing to compromise, but when you had an affair and then you want to go spend everyday in the bar, its normal for a W to feel uneasy, when that wasnt at ALL his lifestyle before. This man who used to look down on men who werent with their wives and family for the most part, has now completely justified not ever being with his wife and family. It blows my mind.
I guess I have to get to point where im done, like your friend. But I am not there yet, I can say that I am, but it would be a lie. I cant imagine ever feeling done. I know im fed up but im trying to DB so I know im not supposed to be aggressive and mean or cold. This is VERY hard. He texted me this morning already asking if he could come see D tonight. I knew he would do that because he skipped last night to do God knows what. Disgusting. I told him yes about tonight. I will never use our D as a pawn, I will never keep her from him. But I just need him to make a schedule with me, it isnt fair for me to have to wait around for him and not know if and when he is coming.
Originally Posted by paulzee
Kech I suggest you get very strong. Are you wanting to save your relationship? Or is it done? What do you really want?
Paul, I want to save my relationship, that is what I want. I am trying to get strong in order to DB without going crazy, but it is hard. Any suggestions?
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Steve85
P.S. Trust the process.
Steve is wise. He followed the process.
Thank you. Though for kech's sake I must point out that I struggled with the process at times too. kech, what DB espouses is counter-intuitive. All of your instincts will buck against it. You will want to call/text/be with him to tell him how important he is to you. How you don't want D. How you want your D to have both parents in the home. etc.......
The problem is, and I had to learn this the hard way, is that none of that has much chance of working. And even if you could guilt him into staying, in a short amount of time you'd be right back where you are. That is why I say TRUST the process. While it will feel like the wrong thing to do, in the end it gives you the best chance of saving your MR.
Thanks Steve, You are right, I would love to call text and be with him, but I know I cant. I cant guilt him into staying. SOmetimes I feel like he wants to be here, but obviously not enough. And if he is out entertaining other women, thats exciting and fun, and I cannot compete with that. Thats where I feel broken. How does a W compete with an A?
With me he has responsibility, a R to fix, work to do. With an A its fun, exciting, new, adventurous. Who in their right mind would want to come back to their W and put in all the hard work it would take to fix M when theyre enjoying their life so much? I feel totally hopeless. Yes I am GAL, but thats not with him. He doesnt even seem to remember what its like to have fun with me. He doesnt want to. He comes here and stays with the baby for a few hours and I go live my life and then come home and he doesnt see any of what happens. He isnt enjoying those times with me. He has NO idea how much fun him me and the baby could have doing things together. Taking her to do things.
About 2 months ago he was very sad bc I told him he couldnt live here. He was saying he was scared, etc. So after a few days of him being out of the house, I missed him, I knew how much he missed us, So I sent him a text and said "would you like to go do something with the baby and I?" and he said yes and I said okay, pack a bag for the night, grab your bathing suit. He joked and asked if I was going to kill him and I said "not this time". I packed a bag for the baby and I, booked a hotel room at the beach for the night, and dropped our dog off to my moms. When he got to the house he was like so whats going on? I said "were going to go experience our baby's first time at the beach together. (we live close to the beach)
So we drove the 30 minutes to the beach together and got there just around sunset and we took the baby into the water, and then into the hotel pool, and we had a great night. The next morning I dropped him off and he gave me a kiss and we both went to work. He texted me later thanking me for it. It was a great experience and I am glad I did it, but by the next day I let him come hang out with us again, and then he moved back in, and things were going well for a while that time actually but its only a matter of time before he took advantage and started right back on his other lifestyle.
The hardest part about all of this is sticking to DB'ing when you dont feel like its doing anything. He left the house a week ago and ive been doing my best at DBing and it seems like hes just out living whatever life he wants to. And I fear that he is just having the opportunity to build a relationship with OW. He will never miss me if he is getting his emotional and physical needs met by someone else. I used to feel so confident in our relationship, I felt like there is NO way he would ever find someone and want them over me because him and I were SO strong. Now, this limbo has been going on for almost a year, I dont think he has ANY idea how great our relationship was anymore. Any comparison ill come up short because weve been living in limbo hell. All while I was pregnant, giving birth, and raising a newborn.
Admittedly, I know much less about WHs than I do WWs. With WWs sometimes "okaying" the A will make it lose it's romance. Some WWs get a thrill out of the taboo of it all. When you take that away the spice of the A fades pretty quickly. Sometimes it can open their eyes to the truth: that the A is purely physical and they stand to lose everything else.
Not sure any of that works ever with WH. Men are so physically motivated. However, men also like variety. So for a WH eventually the thrill of the A fades as it is with the same person over and over again. Maybe your WH has has more than one OW. Maybe not. It is hard to say what will eventually wake him up, if anything ever can. Who knows. This is all very complex stuff.
This is why DB is about focusing you yourself. GAL, 180ing, detaching. Is all for you. To save yourself. To be ready to move on. To be emotionally okay with whatever happens. Sometimes that has the side benefit of getting the WAS interested in coming back. Sometimes not. You just never really know what the outcome will be with the WAS. But if you DB and stick to it you know the outcome will be a stronger, better, and happy kech. Even when you don't see that as possibility in the thick of the sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wish I was better at using this site and could figure out how to read peoples stories of WH in an affair that eventually came back. I have found Bluewave, but her posts are older so im not sure she is still around.
I wish it was easier to just focus on myself. The thought of OW and all that REALLY takes over and is so hard to push out of my mind. Knowing he was doing something last night with someone else and then texts me first thing this morning to see D just disgusts me. He really is just living it up and getting to have the best of both worlds. And I cant do anything about it. I wish I could tell him whats on my mind, but that would be against DB. I would LOVE to give him my 2 cents about the type of man he has turned into. Sickening, disappointing, heart breaking. I would love to know if he has ANY clue what hes done to me, or if he just believes this fake facade I put on when he is around.
Question,
When he comes over most nights to spend time with D, I am cordial. Do I always need to leave the house? it is kind of frustrating to always have to leave. But I am willing to do it if it is what DB would call for. I have been leaving everytime so far.
There are just so many things I could be getting done around the house as well. But if being completely out of site is better I would rather do that. Just hoping for some advice on that front. And being "cordial", not too talkative, talk if he starts the convo right? He normally does, but it depends on his mood. Id LOVE to put him in his place for skipping last for undoubtedly hanging with OW, but I wont.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/07/1808:59 PM. Reason: combine posts
H:"Hi Wife, I waited to the last minute to ask if I can come over to see the baby."
I would have responded: W:"H, I asked about a schedule the other day and you did not ask about tonight. I already have plans with D to go here, here and here. You are free to join us."
Originally Posted by Steve85
Next time you should be all dolled up. Looking great, maybe a cute little dress. Make-up, hair done, the whole 9 yards.
He'll be all like "Where are you going?"
"Out."
"With whom?"
"No one."
When he really starts grilling you, stop him, and say "When you decided to stop being my H you lost the right to ask me about where I am going."
This is what you do.
New perfume. New outfits. New style. New hair cut. (What ever makes you feel good and sexy)
You are COMPETING with a fantasy. Kick her ***.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/07/1809:01 PM. Reason: combine posts
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I was doing that for a while when he was still living here, but it didnt seem to do much. He did initiate sex a few times but nothing in the case of reconciling or even really asking many questions.
He mentioned a few times I was being vague with my plans so he doesnt want to pry, which frustrates me because I want him to try and pry. Although he seems very confused about life, he seems very level headed when it comes to certain things. He knows it is no longer his place to ask me questions when I go places alone, but if I am with the baby he will ask anything he wants because he says he has the right to know where his D is. which I get.
He seems to understand that me moving on means I might meet someone else, and I think that bothers him yes, but he wont really know how much until I actually do it. Which I have no desire to anytime soon.
When he gets angry he will ALWAYS say things like "I hope you find the man you are looking for. And theyll probably be a better dad". He is ALWAYS making comments like that, like in mean ways as if our M is ending because IM LOOKING for a different type of man. He doesnt acknowledge the A in that sense, he just says he never felt like he could live up to what I wanted and I didnt appreciate him or show him love and I wasnt intimate enough with him.
He resorts back to these issues EVERYTIME we argue, even though he states he knows I have worked on things and I have changed things, he feels like its fake because it took him leaving in order for me to make these changes. Then he will usually apologize and say he feels bad for putting things on me and that he should have stuck up for himself in our M more and that he should have never entertained another woman and its all his fault, etc etc. Back and forth, back and forth.
Ready2Change,
I already responded "yes" to him about coming to see her tonight and he responded "Thanks". I will keep your suggestion in mind for next time. But I do think if I were to say "you are welcome to join us" he would take that as me trying to spend time with him and thats not what I want right now I wouldnt think. My H is VERY aware that ive wanted nothing more than to save our M. He knows that im heartbroken about all of this, but I dont think he even knows what that entails. But regardless of that, he pulls away big time as SOON as I push forward. So to tell him he can join us would probably be a recipe for disaster.
Throughout this process, as soon as I would start to pull away, even just slightly, he would hold on tight and become worried. I could tell through his actions and texts etc. And as soon as he gave me an inch I would jump right back on board with him. WHich was stupid, I see that now. This is the first time I have really pulled away from him that he doesnt seem to be getting worried or holding on tight. Which is scary for me. Seems like he has made up his mind that the S is what he wants, and Divorce is what he is going for. Although his actions seem a bit all over the place, he doesnt seem concerned with if im pulling away foreal or not. And this is a first.
I slightly expected to tell him to leave and him try to come home. I know Steve has mentioned some of his actions can be seen as him weaseling his way back in, which is definitely possible, but I guess i just wish he was trying to figure out how im feeling and be nervous. And clearly he isnt.
He is STILL going to the bar daily, which shows me how little he cares. It used to just make me feel like he was a mess and numbing his pain, and now I just see it as he is just really going forward living his life and he doesnt really care how it looks to me or what I think. He always respected my opinion enough before to never want me to be disappointed in him, now he definitely could care less. Yet the night I asked him to leave he said to me "Im going to quit drinking and smoking so I can have rights to my daughter"....which I never even mentioned drinking and smoking and any custody situations or ANYTHING like that.
He is so afraid I am going to take her from him. He wont even stop and think how well he knows me and how he knows I will not do that. Hes on his own rollercoaster in my mind, but it seems like for him he is just going through life being a good dad and doing what he wants to do everyday. He sees nothing wrong with it. When I asked him the other day when we talked when he said he knew he needed to put more effort in to spending time with D and I, I asked him "are you ok? Genuinely, are you ok? Do you need to talk to me, are you on your feet and doing ok? I am raising a baby with you and I need you to talk to me about things if you feel like you are not doing alright." and his response was "no im not okay but yes I am."
Hes just SO far off from who I used to know, I feel like he is struggling internally sometimes but will not speak to me about it. He doesnt want us to have our emotional connection anymore. He wants to pull away from me as much as he can. Im rambling, sorry. I hope you guys can find any questions I have asked in this entry. Thanks
