Brother in law lives with us. Her Mother did for about 20 years. Returned to the Philippines for about a year and now lives with another Sister in law. Mother in law wants to come home. I wouldn't mind but now isn't the time.
I have been working out, exercising, losing weight. Appearance... thinning hair. W didn't like me being scruffy. That is easy one. Never been worried about fashionable. Dressed neatly and for the occasion.
I am not willing to quit. On her, us , me.
I am so incredibly proud of all she does and has done. I want to be proud of what we continue to do. Does that make sense?
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
What if the only way to get her back is to quit on her and us? I agree, never quit on you! In fact, that is what DBing is about, concentrating on yourself!
But yes, you need to let her go to get her back. She will either come back or she won't, but nothing you do will cause her to do that. All you can do is give her the time and space to figure her own stuff out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Did I say part of her complaint is I ignored her. So is going dark/no contact the right move? That would seem more of the same. Seems very no win here either way I go.
No contact/going dark IS NOT IGNORING her. First, it is NOT initiating contact. When you were ignoring her not only didn't you initiate contact, but you ignored her contact. When she reaches out to you with a question, answer it. If the text is informational then there is no need to respond. If it is her telling you how she feel's, then use a validating statement from the validation thread.
Her: "I feel like you are still trying to pressure me into coming back to you."
You: "I can understand how you would feel that way."
Also, be the one to end contact. If she responds again with: "You need to just back off."
No question. No sharing of feelings. So no response. Notice, not responding isn't ignoring. If she ever texts you information and you don't respond, if she then asks "Did you get my text about such and such?" Your response is "Yes."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What if the only way to get her back is to quit on her and us? I agree, never quit on you! In fact, that is what DBing is about, concentrating on yourself!
But yes, you need to let her go to get her back. She will either come back or she won't, but nothing you do will cause her to do that. All you can do is give her the time and space to figure her own stuff out.
Backing off isn't quitting is it? Subtle is still DB... or did I misunderstand that? I want to be who she wants to come back to. If she has decided that isn't going to happen... I don't want that future. Sound weak? I don't care. I don't imagine being without her and being happy... being... and going through the motions. So I have a goal to reach.
I have done hard before. I can again. So I will thank you in advance for the support.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
If complimenting her shoes is a good approach then I have lots of chances. She has lots of shoes. On the other hand I have been critical of the amount of shoes.
Past coming back in spades I suppose.
Then again if I back away every time she could be offended or set off I might as well throw in the towel now and sign. However I come by being persistent honestly so that isn't an option.
Cast and present your bait gently. The fishing analogy is good. Patience needed in both cases.
A test compliment then...
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
