Husband aged, trying 180 (4)

[Ready2Change]

Admittedly, I know much less about WHs than I do WWs.

I am in the same boat. Most of my time here was 2x4 to the LBH with wifes actively cheating on them. Teaching them how to man-up.

Not too much of a difference here with you Ketch.

It is all about not letting this man walk all over you. It is about you being a strong, confident, independent, beautiful and sexy woman.

You are co-dependent. The goal is to be interdependent.

First, become interdependent parents. Get the CURRENT standard parenting times nailed down. Exceptions will happen, and can be negotiated.

Right now, you are nursing a baby. This alone should dictate the parenting time.

[Davide]

Stop believing what he says!!

Remember believe 0% of what the WAS says and only 50% of what they do. You are still putting way too much stock in his words. Like you say, he is all over the place. You are only going to torture yourself by allowing your moods to fluctuate to the rhythm of his words and actions. Be the lighthouse (have you read the lighthouse post?) He doesn't seem to have any idea what he is doing, so you need to be the solid one, the one who has their sh#t together.

You have DBing since when, August? It is still really early in your sitch. As Steve always says it is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't expect to see instantaneous results, and if you do, don't trust them. It is a long process and you need to ready yourself for that. You already see that quick results don't last. Your H has to make some big changes if the MR is going to work.

In the meantime, you need to keep working on yourself and focusing on your D. Did you come up with any goals?

Hang in there. It really s@cks, but it will get better if you work at it.

[Ready2Change]

...I do think if I were to say "you are welcome to join us" he would take that as me trying to spend time with him and thats not what I want right now...

We are trying to get him to stop asking to see baby at last minute. You are not waiting around for him. You made plans. He can't interrupt your plans.

If he wants to see the baby last minute, it is under YOUR conditions.


I set up appoint for her to get her picture taken.

Going to the zoo

to the park

to the swimming pool


to grand-moms house

to my friends house

the choices are endless.....

[kech]

Ready2change,

THANK YOU. Those responses were So helpful. I wish I could read these all day long over and over. I need to remember to say these things, I just am so afraid of pissing him off, I dont even know why! Its like im so afraid if I do something that upsets him hes going to finish filing for D and then it will have been my fault for pushing him to that and I lose out on having more time.

Im constantly thinking about the future and making myself anxious. I need to stop.

Davide,

Thank you thank you thank you. Youre right, it is a marathon. Our situation started almost a year ago but I did not start actively DB'ing until about a week and a half ago. I know it is early but I am so afraid since its been so long since BD he is just going to give up. In the last year we have been on and off, working on our R, not working on it, living together, not living together. Its been crazy. Its funny you bring up the lighthouse because I was thinking earlier today I need to ask about that. I have heard so many people reference it in here and i have no read it.

I am definitely the one that has my S*** together and he knows it. He keeps saying hes going to get his together, which part of me wants him to and part of me doesnt. If getting his S*** together means him starting a new life like we used to have with someone else, then that will devastate me. Part of me feels like he needs to hit rock bottom in order to see that his new found lifestyle is no way to live. But he has surrounded himself with people who live that lifestyle, so all he sees is acceptance to that and people boosting his ego etc. Crazy. I would think he would take one look at the older men he is surrounding himself with that spend all their time in the bars and go home to twin sized beds all alone, drunk, and think Wow I dont want to be like that. But instead he just thinks he is smarter than that and it wont happen to him.

He is creating this life and bringing people into it with him to make himself feel justified in it. But here I am focusing on him. I would love to read the lighthouse thread, bc I do feel thats what I am and have been, if I am assuming I know the idea behind it.

You guys have no idea how much I appreciate the responses you give. They really clear my worries and make me feel confident. I took a break from work and got dressed to the 9's, makeup on, and I will leave for a bit when he arrives to the house.

[Ready2Change]

I took a break from work and got dressed to the 9's, makeup on, and I will leave for a bit when he arrives to the house.

You go girl!

[LANE777]

Kech. I know exactly how you feel when you say you are afraid to say anything. You're afraid of pushing them further away. I think its the same for you as me. Silence can speak louder than words and it doesn't get you in as much trouble.
Since you just started the DB. I think you just get some time under your belt. He needs to go have his new found freedoms and experience the so called wonderful life of being in a bar. Those bar girls just bounce around from guy to guy without a thought. You said he came home from out of town all down and out. That just goes to show he is not cut out for that lifestyle. He is trying so hard to fit in, but give it time. So, just so you know. I thought my sitch would be over by now and life would be back to normal...lol. It is a marathon. It will take way longer than you think. And so don't get discouraged. I know you want to save your M. The only way is for you to change. He already knows what he would be coming back to. So for now, don't talk...take action on yourself. You said yourself talking would push him..so don't talk anymore about anything about your M or R. Keep your answers short and don't act all sweet all the time. Once he realizes he's losing you he will start to wonder whats been going on. Right now, he knows where you are and knows your not going anywhere. Its such a stupid game to play, but it is what it is. Set that dude free so you can get your confidence back. Go out with friends and talk to people. You don't need to go chase other men. Just get out and breath. Don't wait another second for him to call or decide to come see D whenever he wants. Dont keep her from him but set a schedule that works for both of you. Remember, the sooner you start making changes for you the sooner you will see changes in your whole sitch. Stay silent for as long as you can. He will start to wonder. Stay strong and make yourself look good for you, not him. Trust me, he will notice. Hes not cut out for bar life..that life gets old fast. But dont let him back easy...or he will do it again. Make him work for it. But for now...work on yourself!!!

[Ready2Change]

... Silence can speak louder than words and it doesn't get you in as much trouble.
Since you just started the DB. I think you just get some time under your belt....I thought my sitch would be over by now and life would be back to normal...lol. It is a marathon. It will take way longer than you think. And so don't get discouraged. I know you want to save your M. The only way is for you to change. He already knows what he would be coming back to. So for now, don't talk...take action on yourself. ...and don't act all sweet all the time. Once he realizes he's losing you he will start to wonder whats been going on. ....Set that dude free so you can get your confidence back. Go out with friends and talk to people. You don't need to go chase other men. Just get out and breath. Don't wait another second for him to call or decide to come see D whenever he wants. Dont keep her from him but set a schedule that works for both of you. Remember, the sooner you start making changes for you the sooner you will see changes in your whole sitch. Stay silent for as long as you can. He will start to wonder. Stay strong and make yourself look good for you, not him. Trust me, he will notice....dont let him back easy...or he will do it again. Make him work for it. But for now...work on yourself!!!

Wise words.

[kech]

Extremely wise words. I seriously feel like I need to read them daily. Multiple times daily. Here I am at home with D at 7:30 pm and he hasn’t come to see her like he asked if he could. I fed her, bathed her, and will put her to bed soon regardless of if/when he decides to show up. But I won’t reach out to him, sticking to the silence. If he chooses to make these awful decisions it his loss, not mine.

[Ready2Change]

I fed her, bathed her, and will put her to bed soon regardless of if/when he decides to show up. But I won’t reach out to him, sticking to the silence. If he chooses to make these awful decisions it his loss, not mine.

Hugs.


If he does show up, Get a firm agreement on his next parenting time.

Date, start time end time.


And if possible, get two blocks set.

[kech]

He just texted and asked if it is too late. I don’t even know how to respond