Hey blakmac, Steve is on the spot here! It’s about the feeling of loss. Greener grasses are far out into the horizon. You are not plan B. W’s loosing control. Just reinforce DB.
You know DB is for you. You are getting stronger.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I picked S up after work today. W will be picking him up later. I'm going to do my best to be ok. But to be honest, I feel like this is going to be a difficult day.
Just take a few deep breaths. You're going to be fine. Don't let her see any hint of weakness. I've read your sitch. You're doing way better than you think. My WW won't even talk to me, in fact she avoids me when I'm trying to avoid her. Just remember, silence can be louder than words. Don't set yourself back. Let it ride for a while. Be strong bm.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Thank you. I really hope that I'm doing better than I think, because I feel like I'm in the depths of invading Normandy if Normandy were Hell.
She picked S up this evening. He wanted to stay, so she asked if they could stay for 5 minutes. I said that was fine. We all got on the floor, he and I played with his cars a bit. He was asking about how he got his name, so I told him about us picking it. He asked how he got into mommy's tummy. lol.
Well, anyway, they had to go, so I walked down and helped him buckle up. She got in the car. He said "daddy, are you gonna be sad because you're alone?" I said "Yes, but I'll be happy again when I see you next." He gave me a hug, and I said told him to be good, say hi to his friends for me, and give mommy lots of hugs. I waved politely as W drove away. She waved back.
After they left, I came upstairs and just exploded. I totally broke down in private. My strength and confidence wasn't anywhere near flawless. Far from it. But I did the best I could. And it went more smoothly than I had imagined it would. I was sure after yesterday she'd never talk to me again. Even more so about the fight today.
I don't believe I'm doing this well at all. But I trust you guys when you say I'm doing better than I think. I really, really hope I am.
This isn't getting any easier. In fact, it's getting worse. I thought it was getting better.
You're only a few months in, it's far too soon to expect things to get better. Too many people come here wanting to know a trick or two to "put things back to normal" but that is not how this works. There are no magic tricks. You've got to spend long months (a year or more is really not unusual) laying the proper groundwork for a possible future recon. While you're laying the groundwork the trainwreck that is your W is going to continue to run off the rails. You have to stick to your game plan and let her flounder around trying to find her moral compass.
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But I stuck to DB. And it had the opposite effect. And now she wants to be with him without any care to fix anything.
DB'ing did not drive your W into OM's arms. Right now she wants to use any excuse she can to go back to OM. You're too cold and distant. Or you're too doting and smothering her. Or your socks smell. NOTHING you do right now is good enough for her. That's why you DB, because right this second you CAN'T make her happy. She's not wired for that. You have to find yourself and do your thing while she sorts her crap out.
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I know it's not over. But I feel like I lost.
You've got to drop your expectations that things will turn around in a few weeks or even months. You've got to take a long-term view. The fastest turnarounds I've seen here were in the 6-8 month range, but those were exceptionally short timeframes and unusual. Most take more like 18 months to 2 years. Just about every WAS says the stuff yours is saying early on. It's far too soon to know what the prospects for recon are.
She finally told me why she was crying when she called to ask me to move in. Because she had just told OM she couldn't see him anymore because she was going to move back in.
Don't believe anything she says! That sounds totally WW bs to my ears.
You remind me so much of another poster and his WW. You don't or can't see how manipulative she is. She sets you up by throwing a few crumbs and then when you are let down, you blame it on DBing having opposite effects.
Here is the link to his first thread, if you want to read it. Perhaps you can see his W the way we could see her. I don't really know if he ever did. She worked him right up till they met in court.
Welp, everyone...I have no idea what is gonna come of this, but I may have ruined the entire thing.
The good news: I know who the mole is on my fb.
The bad news...well...I'm a total idiot.
After the whole "new bf thinks I'm following him" thing...I found him on fb and sent him a message. It said basically "Look, I want you to understand that I'm not looking to cause you any trouble. I'm not okay with what's going on, but that's not my call. I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not going to be a problem." < not exact quote, but close
No reply. I didn't expect one.
Something felt off about the whole thing. Suddenly this dude is spending time with S, he's staying at his house overnight...and W didn't know him all that well.
I'm a dad before anything else. So I started researching the dude. Nothing wild, just some public records...just to make sure he wasn't a psycho. Turns out he had been in jail up until about a year ago for DWI, drug possession. Also...he raises exotic venomous snakes in his apartment. Not like pet snakes, freaking cobras and stuff.
First, it's illegal (even with a permit) to have those kinds of snakes in the city we're in. Second...who really keeps freaking cobras when they have a kid of their own?
I didn't do anything to them. Although I thought really hard about reporting the snakes to the police.
Nope. Instead I vented about it on fb. Mine. She's blocked.
An hour later I get a message from OM. He said he was sorry, he understood why/how I felt, and he has decided to call it off with her. Whether I believe it or not doesn't really matter...turns out they had told S not only his real name, but also a convenient fake name that S could call him. Yeah because that's not manipulative af...lie to the kid so he wouldn't have information to talk about. Not that I ask him, he's 4, he just talks about cool stuff like snakes and riding in fast cars.
Then W texts: "please, can you stop this?"
I just replied "I only vented on my fb. You weren't supposed to be able to see that."
A phone call happened. She was pretty devastated sounding. I assured her that my intent wasn't to cause trouble or to split them up, and I agreed to take the post down.
Today I picked up S from school. When she got off work, she came to get him. I made spaghetti for him (he loved it) and sent a bunch home with him so he could have it later if he wanted it. There was enough for S and W (I know she's broke, and I know it's not my problem, but I want to make sure S is ok). She barely knocked, only cracked the door and peeked in, then I told her she could come in while I get S ready to go. She would barely even look at me. I was going to walk S to the car and help him get buckled in the car seat and say goodbye to him like I usually do, but she said "No, we're fine." I said "Ok" then got a big hug from S, and I told them to have a good evening.
She. Was. A. Wreck. Like, she just got off work supposedly, and she looked like she had been though absolute hell there. Clothes were all a mess, no makeup, messy hair (honestly kinda cute...heh), blank expression, no eye contact...just like her entire world had just been effed up.
Well, next time background check dudes before you have them around my kid.
Really, I wasn't trying to start trouble. I learned who had been sending her info all along. Honestly...I may keep them around and just stop venting about it on my own fb. Or not. It's mine, and she doesn't get to pick what I post on it.
Some friends are telling me that I pulled some crazy stuff. I literally wasn't trying to. I almost feel bad about it...except that the crippling anxiety that's been with me since seeing her car at his house...is just totally gone. I didn't plan things to happen that way...but I also don't feel bad about it at all.
Will she come back? Probably not.
Does that matter more than making sure my S is safe around strange dudes? Hell no.
Since then, I'm not contacting her at all. Only when it's necessary about S.
She'll figure this out. She thought she was doing good, but then didn't really think about what the dude was like before bringing S around him...and now everyone knows the kind of guy he was. And how she walked out on our family so she could make decisions like this.
I feel bad for embarrassing her...although I didn't choose her path. I literally just wanted to vent what I found to my friends/fam. Well, maybe she'll wake up one day.
So I'm pretty sure that is gonna be a major DB setback.
On the other hand...S comes first. If he's not safe, then her opinions don't matter to me at all. When the safety of S in in question, she can get right out of the way.
Side note: honestly I don't think they're really gonna call it off. I think it was a bluff to protect OM's reputation, and he has a S as well, so my moral compass told me that it would be best to take the post down...although I still don't really care how W feels about it. Talking to the guy was interesting. I don't buy it...but he was very polite and even kind of took my side a bit. Which is probably the red flag...but you know? It doesn't matter.
Curious to see what happens next. Although I would wager that I'm gonna be a lot better off going forward mentally. Nobody puts S in harm's way and gets a pass.
