Thanks Lane, always such great advice. He’s here now, I was laying on the living room carpet with the baby when he got here and he laid down with us. I said I needed to get up to do some stuff and he asked what I had going on that I needed to do. I responded “everything”.
I’m going to go soak in a long bath and keep reading DR while he hangs out with her.
I feel like this nonstop. But also think you have to be the lighthouse. Because in the thick of things. Anything you do or say pushes them further away. I've been wanting to contact my W all day today. But know it would make things worse most likely. But yes, I still wonder if they are moving quicker in their new R since I'm not in the picture. The fact is for me, I've been out of the picture regardless. So I stay silent. Be the light house.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I definitely think it is a common feeling. I felt like that for the first few weeks, or probably months after BD. Before I discovered this site I reached out via text a good bit, but the truth is that my W wanted space and clearly articulated that to me so I quickly backed off. I think most LBS are MUCH better served by reigning in that impulse and leaving the WAS alone on their journey. Most contact feels like pressure to the WAS and they already feel trapped and pressured.
The good news is that the feeling does dissipate. I'm 5 months in and my desire to contact W has gone way down. Now, I see her at the gym and just ignore her. Once you start to see how awful the WAS' actions are, they become much less attractive.
For now, hang in there. Post here, but don't initiate contact with WAH and only respond to direct questions with simple, direct answers.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Well guys, we have some updates and they’re not good.
We had a good evening. He left, and I soon saw something on social media that made me very aware he is seeing someone else. (He does not have social media, but a girl I was skeptical of does) I sent him a text asking if he is seeing someone. He said no. I know he is lying so I said “what would you call it then?”
He was extremely defensive, texting me nonstop, telling me he isn’t seeing anyone but that his life is so hard right and IM making it harder with accusations. I explained to him I know the truth and that we don’t need to discuss it. That the only communication we need to have from here on out is about our daughter.
He said a ton of stuff, that hes not seeing anyone and his life is falling apart and I wouldn’t give into it. I just stayed very calm. He said he hates me. He said he’s going to leave town for a few days, that he needs to get away. Now he’s saying he’s going to look for a job somewhere else. I told him I can tell he’s going through something and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for himself to be ok. He said we need to go to court and I responded “agreed. Do what you need to do. Have a good night”
He continued texting. He started saying how all of a sudden I’m showing my a** to the world with how I’m dressing when I dressed like a nun with him for 8 years. And he says all of a sudden I’m oozing sex and sexiness.....his last text said “you have genuinely changed, you’re going to make some man super happy one day”....he’s saying I’ve changed the issues he had before with me that I promised to work on and that I DID WORK ON and he knows it and it hurts his feelings I did that when he was halfway out the door.
I haven’t responded to anything after I said to have a good night. I cannot BELIEVE he is truly DATING another woman, someone IN OUR TOWN. I’m disgusted. And he will not admit it. But I already know so him denying it just furthers his lies it’s insane!!
I truly cannot believe this person. I’ve finally solidified my fears of OW and I’m shaking but I’m also kicking myself bc I knew it. I knew it. Does one keep DBing at this point when I’m sure he will go forward for sure with divorce now? He is caught and he’s embarrassed and defensive and is going to do ANYTHING to take the heat off him. He will want a speedy divorce now just to get It done and be able to say he started dating bc our M was over. But him and I both know the truth. He’s been feeling so conflicted these last few days and all along he’s been seeing another woman.
And now all of a sudden he wants to leave town bc his life is such a mess. And it is. He’s made all these crazy decisions and he cannot get a grip on what he’s even doing. I am the lighthouse here, I’m solid, he isn’t. I’m at a point where I’m worried because he just sounds like such a mess, but that could also be him trying to guilt me into believing him. I love him and I want him to Be ok. But I don’t have to be supportive of this insane lifestyle he is living, WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Wow. alien takeover. Who is this PERSON.
It hurts SO bad to think of this last week and ALL the things hes said to me, and how I know he has been starting to feel so conflicted about us and not sure hes making the right decision, and yet hes continued seeing another woman. And WHY wont he admit it when I know!
I seriously cannot even imagine what he tells people to cover his tracks. I dont know of any wife in the world who would handle these things more calmly then I have, and just trying to wait this all out. And Im sure all along he is telling people such lies. I dont even know how he is keeping up with his own lies. If he wants a divorce no one is stopping him and hes known that! He is CHOOSING to keep me here and then to have someone on the side but make them think theyre his number 1 and me and the baby are just his responsibilites. He probably makes it like I MAKE him come here to see her, as if I havent told him he can take her places. As if he HATES coming to see me, when I leave everytime bc when I am here I can tell he wants us to all hang out. I can just IMAGINE the crap he has come up with.
Of course he feels like he's falling apart, because he is doing all these sneaky things behind my back and saying all these things, and then he is coming to OUR home and seeing how cordial and how cool im being and hes feeling horrible about what hes doing!
I mean WOW I love this man, but at the same time I do NOT know this man whatsoever. I really do not know who this is it is SO crazy to me! Part of me wants to tell him that him and I can get through all of it together, and whatever he is going through inside himself and all the other stuff in his life, we can figure it out together. But I know thats not what I should do. I am just afraid he is so overwhelmed by how deep he has gotten into all these other things, he doesnt even know how to fix it so he just wants to run. Not just our marriage, because I think he knows he could have fixed that, but so many other things in his life. It seems like he just wants to literally run away from ALL of it because he doesnt know what else to do.
He started evading responsibilities at BD almost a year ago, and now its catching up to him in my opinion, and I am not even talking about our M. I am beginning to think I just need to let him go through with the Divorce because I just need to start now with the painful process of getting through this. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM. Like I could shout it from the rooftops. I want to save him. I want him and I to fight through it all and be together, but I cannot do that alone. If he does not want to commit to me and to our M, which CLEARLY he doesnt, then I dont need to keep trying to fix him and the problems he has created for himself.
I know I need to keep DB'ing, even if he files and all that. I know its for me. I know I need to detach. And wow I cant wait until I do, bc THIS HURTS. Another woman. Wow. He has really gotten himself a different way of life. A type of girl TOTALLY different from me. And yet he will deny it until the cows come home. Just when Hes feeling iffy about US, he goes and gets himself in deep with another woman. What is wrong with this person
Kech...glad your venting on here. I'm sorry you're going through this tonight. One thing that pops in my mind is that you want to save him. You need to save yourself. This is the hardest thing you'll ever go through. Its pushing you to your limits and then some. He's a total mess and you really need to let him go. He's definitely eating cake and putting on a show. You do need to start the process of getting through this. You cant control anything or anyone but yourself. Yes, its painful...its unbearable right now. So what do you do right now? you keep detaching, you dont reach out. You dont think you can save him. He's already emotionally divorced you. He is not the man you married. It's the same for every one in here. We come here desperately wanting our S to come back and everything back to normal. It turns out were here to save ourselves. We hope our S notices and has a change of heart , but it takes patience. It takes lots of time. And even then, there's no gaurantee. I've been on edge all day knowing my W is going on a trip with a friend..OM. Nothing I can do about it. If I texted her..it would push her further. Shes definitely not the sweet kind hearted woman I married. Our spouses are lost. In the fog. I love her, but can only love her from a distance. You need to do the same. Right now, they dont care about anyone but themselves. In your case, hes unstable and needs to go hit rock bottom. Part of your detach is to not help him. You can care but you can't save him . Let him go kech. Put tough love by setting your boundaries. Dont let him continue to have his way by coming and going when he pleases. Dont be known as an enabler. Enabling him to continue doing the same thing over and over again. Remember, believe nothing they say and half of what they do. Hang in there tonight. You'll have a better day soon gauranteed.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Kudos to you for handling your night like a DB'ing ninja. From what I gather, you know what you need to do.
Right now, keep doing what you are doing. It isn't your job to save him from himself. In time, if it is in the cards for things to work out between you two, he should have to earn his way back in. Forgiveness is given, but trust is earned.....over a course of time when committed actions are consistent.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you so much, I hope better days are to come. He has been so down the last 2 days, texting me so much, being at our home so much more than normal, morning, night, sad about us, sad about the whole sitch. I really felt like he was coming around. I had and still have every intention of sticking to DB, I am just so so hurt to find out he has been seeing someone else. And making THAT person feel like they’re in a relationship.
Why do they deny it? Why is he so vehemently denying it to me if he’s so detached? It’s all so confusing. Why all of a sudden start coming around, wanting to do things to the house for me, wanting to spend more time here, it makes no sense. When he left tonight he said he would be back around 7am to mow the lawn and do some work around the house. Even though he knew the baby and I were going to a baptism and we wouldn’t be home until 11am. And then he wanted to hang out with her, etc. he was definitely wanting to spend more time here in the last few days. DBing was and is doing its job. I just had to break it after finding this out.
He’s just going to keep denying it and calling me crazy. Anything to get the heat off him because I’ve been nothing but loyal and he has now had 2 OW while we are married. You are right Lane, this is not who I married. When you say he is emotionally already divorced from me, that breaks my heart because I know you are right. He wouldn’t be able to keep hurting me if he still felt our emotional connection. I don’t know what he’s even doing anymore. I feel hopeless and I want to just drive to him and hug him and tell him everything’s going to be okay and tell him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on with him.
But I do know this could all just be cake eating, trying to make me feel bad for him so I’m not upset with him. I don’t know. I’m sure the divorce papers will come tomorrow, but I just have to accept them, say ok. My life feels like it’s exploding and there’s nothing I can do about it. And all I want to do is make sure he’s ok, even though his actions are literally breaking my heart more than I knew possible.
Kudos to you for handling your night like a DB'ing ninja. From what I gather, you know what you need to do.
Right now, keep doing what you are doing. It isn't your job to save him from himself. In time, if it is in the cards for things to work out between you two, he should have to earn his way back in. Forgiveness is given, but trust is earned.....over a course of time when committed actions are consistent.
Thank you so much, you made me feel better saying I handled it well. He would definitely have to earn his way back, but I do not ever see him wanting to put in the work it would take to do so. I sure hope he does one day though.
