Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[ovrrnbw]

Yes, that's cake eating. Was it a necessary convo? No. Did you husband choose to break up the family? Yes. Should he feel the consequences of his choices? I guess that's up to you...

You don't have to tell him you're keeping things strictly business, but you can. I would just keep it business and let the actions speak but everyone has their own style.

So irritating that he is crying to you, wishing for the better times again. He knows he can make that happen if he wants to. Crocodile tears if you ask me. Did you validate his feelings about the house reminding him of pain? Bc I get that. Did you validate when he said he has no feelings for you? B/c arguing or getting offended isn't going to help your cause.

I'd not ask him to fix things for you. Just my opinion. I'd have a brother, father, friend's bf/H fix it.

[Jlh]

Thanks for the reply, ovrrnbw. I did validate his comments to me, I don't believe the no feelings part but I listened and told him I understood.

I'm having my step dad take a look at some things around the house that I can't fix on my own. Either that or my neighbor. I'm just growing weary of this and I have an appt. with a lawyer on Tuesday to go over the paperwork H had made up because quite a bit of it is completely confusing and not how he'd be thinking at all. I need to protect me and my son legally while this mess is going on.

[Jlh]

H emailed me a draft of his divorce agreement paperwork last week and I took it to my lawyer yesterday to review. A lot of it is not fair at all and I told him that. He was angry that I saw a lawyer saying that it wasn't meant to be looked at by a lawyer. He'd rather us keep it out of the courts. My lawyer says from H's description he sounds confused still about what he wants, I just dont know.

I am just tired. We have so much to discuss for this and he runs. He runs and hides saying we'll talk about it later, and when I push to talk about it now, he just hides. I don't know what he wants anymore. He's always putting on the waterworks. I came from another state and if we divorce I want to move back home with our son when I will have plenty of support as we have none up here but H wont sign on that he says.

If this is still part of a MLC, it is HORRIBLE and I would not wish this on anyone. We have pets that we need to discuss what will happen with them since I would like to get rid of the house if we divorce and H doesn't address it, he didn't even offer any ideas when I brought it up.

It's just nonstop teary eyes and sadness from him. I'm working my butt off here to raise our son, keep the house clean, cook, take care of pets, while he comes and goes as he pleases and doesn't have any responsibilities. I dont know what to do anymore.

[sia]

(((Jlh))) so sorry you are having to go through this. Can you set up strict visitation times with him? It will keep him out of your house and give you some time to run you errands and GAL. I do this with D3 and D 10 months, I know its heart wrenchingly hard but I need some time to get a hold of my lifee too, once I made peace with not having them for a day or two in a week, I was able to run my life better. Also, WH is not welcome anymore in my home, he left it on his own will, he cannot drop in and hang out as he pleases, that is cake eating and I wont have it. Can you have visitation set up such that he picks up your S at scheduled times and drops them off, without having to actually step inside your house? Believe me, that has made a world of difference to me. I dont need the toxicity and negativity around me anymore

He got upset you saw a L? Well I would say that was more scared really, he knows you are standing up for yourself now and that is a fantastic thing. Have you tried mediation? I hear you on not being able to move back to your own state due to custody arrangments, I am from a different country with absolutely no family here but I have no choice in that matter. What I can do though is just make a beautiful life for myself just where I am and so can you.

Go find your happiness and cut WH out of it. At this point D is just an end of the business part of the MR, we both need to see it that way.

Hugs

[Jlh]

He definitely looked a little startled when I saw the lawyer. I'm just protecting myself and our son during this crazy time. He definitely likes to be in control but I'm not even sure of what hes controlling. His feelings? That part has always confused me in the books.

[kech]

JLH,

I caught myself up on your sitch this morning, and it sounds a little similar to mine, except mine has had OW, not a MLC I dont believe. But I just wanted to drop in and say I am so sorry you are also dealing with this. Your husband has some similarities to mine in his actions and words. Pulling away, sending little mixed signals sometimes, talking about Divorce when you pull away, etc. He also does not want us involving lawyers and wants us to be able to handle it on our own. I am 31, H will be 30 in 2 weeks, and our daughter is 7 months. BD was when I was 5 months pregnant.

It is a ROLLERCOASTER ride that is FOR SURE. You sound SO much like me, reading into every interaction. I was reading your sitch and thinking gosh she sounds JUST like me. Picking up on literally every thing because we know them so well and can tell when theyre acting more positive, negative, having a pity party, manipulating, all of the above. The main thing I have been told that I try to pound into my mind, we have no control over what they do or say, only ourselves. And the things they are doing and saying that we are trying to find meaning behind, really have no meaning. I am CONSTANTLY trying to mind read, and it kills me.

There is a woman on here named Bluwave, she has been a lifesaver to me. Her H had OW a few years ago, and Blu would come here to read and get advice but she never actually posted. About a year after her husband came back and they were piecing their relationship, she started to post to try to help other people in these situations. She said one of the biggest things she would go back and tell herself is to stop mind reading. Stop trying to figure out how he is feeling or what he is thinking by every interaction we have with them. She said she asked her husband when he returned how he actually was thinking and feelilng in certain situations and most of the time, what she had thought was going on in his mind was mostly incorrect. When she felt like he wasnt missing her, he was. When she felt like he was missing her, he actually wasnt, things like that. She said oddly enough, the time her husband missed her the most was a random conversation they had one day about the dog over the phone. He told her that a few minutes discussing THE DOG is what made him realize he wanted to come home.

I am just saying all this to tell you, what we drive ourselves crazy over (if youre anything like me), trying to figure out what every tone, convo, etc, means, we are wasting our time. They are wayward, they are self serving, they are on their own journey. I know ALL of this is easier said than done. Trust me. If you read my threads Im a complete mess. Im spinning half the time, losing my mind over how much I miss H. I mean just 2 minutes ago I was posting how much I miss him and feel like im losing him. You sound like you are in a MUCH better place mentally than I am, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents in. I have had some AMAZING people on here help me through this last month since starting DBing.

You are smart in consulting a lawyer, that is my next step, and the last thing I have wanted to do,but I know I need to educate myself. You sound like you are on the right road. I will be thinking of you!!

[Jlh]

Oh gosh, kech I feel like a hot mess most times with worrying over debt, job search, my son's school and possible upcoming after school care, etc.

I am very bad at mind reading and trying to figure every little thing he says and does. Its so hard to stop but lately his behavior has just angered me so its easier to not think about his issue right now as I look into job hunting and my son. H is selfish, and doesn't seem to care that he dumped the house, our pets and childcare all on me alone. Its tiring and frustrating but I'm going day by day. He hasn't served official paperwork yet even though he has a poor draft agreement written up to go over with me. I told him I'll talk about it when I'm ready. I'm just worrying about me right now. He wanted to be soooo happy yet he is not happy and not at peace in his lonely apartment. He says hes fine but everyone can tell how miserable he is. I don't feel bad for him anymore. He's teary eyed and cries when he talks about missing our old times together yet will get a wall up and say hes fine and over everything. He has issues he needs to resolve on his own. I have my son to think about.

[kech]

Good for you for saying you will talk about it when you are ready. I never know what to say to my H when he brings it up. Last time I finally just said I agreed and for him to do what he needs to do. He’s the one who decided to get caught up with another woman and break up our family. If he wants a divorce, he can do all the work towards it and go from there.

You sound very strong. Focusing on you and your son is what’s important. I wish I was being as strong!! I’m focusing on me and daughter but every minute my head is wondering where he is and what he’s doing and if he’s falling more and more in love with someone else. It’s very difficult.

Do you guys have a schedule set In stone for the coparenting? I was allowing H to come daily to see daughter but kept being advised on here to set up a schedule, so this has been our first week of that. It’s tough for sure. I’m really really feeling the separation. I only asked him to leave the house 4 weeks ago tomorrow, so living Apart is still taking some getting used to.

You can do this! You sound like you’re doing really great mentally, keep going! Keep being the wife any man would be crzy to leave!!

[AnotherStander]

I am very bad at mind reading and trying to figure every little thing he says and does.

Well it's like you keep saying, he says and does contradictory things from day to day or even moment to moment. That is what they all do and there is no figuring it out. That's one of the reasons we push people so hard to detach, because the more you try to figure out his crazy actions then the more crazy it makes YOU!

H is selfish, and doesn't seem to care that he dumped the house, our pets and childcare all on me alone.

He probably does care and it is probably really eating at him, but he will never let you know that. What is going on inside a WAS is usually far different than what you see on the outside.

He wanted to be soooo happy yet he is not happy and not at peace in his lonely apartment. He says hes fine but everyone can tell how miserable he is. I don't feel bad for him anymore. He's teary eyed and cries when he talks about missing our old times together yet will get a wall up and say hes fine and over everything. He has issues he needs to resolve on his own. I have my son to think about.

Yes that's all probably quite true. He's not happy, but he will act "as if" he's fine. At least he remembers there were good times, a lot of WAS's erase all that from their memory. You are right, he has issues that he needs to resolve, and only he can do that. That's why you give him time and space- so he can make that journey.

[Jlh]

I totally get the detaching now, anotherstander. It's so hard for me to try not to figure him out but now that I'm backing off and focusing on my life and getting on track it's nice to have evenings where I relax a bit more instead of wondering what he's going through.

We had a little family party for our son and he came over with smiles and a pleasant attitude and even asked to take some of the cake I made back with him and I didn't think too hard into it. He had some thoughtful looks and was a bit quiet but I focused on my boy and the good time I was having with him as he opened his gifts.

It's sooooo hard for me to detach but I'm doing it finally. I've put a ton of resumes and applications out there for work and it feels good to think more about me now.