So I have not posted in a while, but I am reading a lot here and it is just so helpful to read of others in similar situations. I had this week of. I was out a lot with the kids and with friends, but also took some time for myself. I felt I needed some time to grieve, just cry a bit and not always holding it back and being busy. So I grieved about everything we will be missing in the future, everything we have missed out on during the last year already and also beyond that. I stumbled over the sex starved marriage and I know that was one of our problems for years. I wish I had taken it more serious. We might be in a different place now. But I also acknowledge finally that I was also partly unhappy in the marriage for a long time due to him always prioritizing work over family or me. We really needed change, just my understanding of change is different from his. In the meantime I have contacted some lawyers just to get some information. H might be filing soon and I want to be prepared. Some friends tell me to try and beat him, since it is an international D and the faster one decides where D would take place. For A while that put a lot of stress onto me, but for now I do not want D so I will not file. I hope we will be able to talk before anyone makes the move, but I guess it is not a good idea to bring the topic up from my side.
So I have four more weeks under one roof with him. Should I try to enjoy that time. We just had lunch in the kitchen together just the two of us. It’s very rare that it is just the two of us in the same room. We both kind of avoid it. We had a casual conversation mainly about the kids, some little logistics regarding splitting up all the utilities moving forward. Maybe I should not try to avoid him so much and instead be very pleasant. Maybe that will be more of a contrast then when he moves out. But I might come across as pursuing?
Journaling: My GAL is going well. Today I went hiking with a meet up group for the first time and enjoyed myself. Yesterday I went to the pumpkin patch with S12 and his friend and Friday we met friends in the city. So far so good. The detaching part is so much harder. Today suddenly H was super friendly wanted to help me fix a bike, I am not even using, got a tool to adjust the height, wanted to change tires... I know that does not change anything, he still will be moving out in 3 weeks, he still is looking for someone else, but it makes it so much harder to distance for me. So I went out running to get a grip on my sentimentality.
My heart goes out to you. Figuring out how to act around our H’s is so difficult. My H has been really friendly lately too. He even stopped by on the weekend for no apparent reason. Maybe to see the kids? Not sure. We chatted as if things were completely normal...shared a glass of wine. Mostly it was okay but there were a few times when I was screaming at him in my head... “This is so stupid!!! There is nothing about our relationship that isn’t fixable and we have two amazing reasons [our kids] to give it everything we have!! Come home and stop being such an idiot!!!” But I don’t... I just smile and carry on as if all is good. Although I really, really hate it that my H is living elsewhere, in some ways it is easier. I think if he was here, I would be walking around on egg shells and really not get a break from the uneasy, confused feeling I usually have when he is around. So maybe you will find the same bit of relief once your H moves out. I know it may feel like the “end” when he does go and it could be... but it could also be the beginning... of something even better. Just keep doing what you are doing and trust that there are lots of great days ahead of you and some wonderful new memeories to be made. (((Hugs)))
Thank you Dejavu, you are right.although it will be a horrible day, when he moves out, in some ways I am looking forward to it. First it will be just more relaxing. Also the way things are our R will not improve. I think we need the S at the moment, maybe permanently, maybe another chance arises.
There is nothing about our relationship that isn’t fixable and we have two amazing reasons [our kids] to give it everything we have!! Come home and stop being such an idiot!!!”
The problem is that they think they have tried everything (or use that as an excuse) and/or are being selfish. Their pride and ego would be dented if they returned and they may also think you'd never forgive them anyway, and it would be the same as it was so it isn't worth their effort.
Sorry for the long breaks, while I read here every night, I am usually too tired to write. I am still working on GAL and detaching. My life is busy, which is good. Our conversations have been down to a minimum, but last Saturday we had Areal conversation again, several in fact, talked about some personal topics,but not relationship. Thefirst two initiated by him, then by me over dinner. Maybe it waswrong, but it felt good. Maybe he is more relaxed, after his moving out decision is made and feels less pressure.
Today I talked to lawyer. Very strange feeling sitting in that office talking about D. Kind of surreal. I still do not want to be the one to end everything, but have the feelings helps to know some facts. After our recent talks I am also more hopeful that we would be able to discuss D and agree on things. Atmosphere is at least less hostile. I will keep detaching.
Saturday we had Areal conversation again, several in fact, talked about some personal topics,but not relationship. Thefirst two initiated by him, then by me over dinner. Maybe it waswrong, but it felt good. Maybe he is more relaxed, after his moving out decision is made and feels less pressure.
I think if you walk away from an interaction and don't think to yourself "that made things worse", then it is a good interaction. Vets would probably say don't initiate, validate, don't add pressure. Which sounds like it is what you did.
I would love to have a proper conversation with H but think that we are still too emotional to do so we stick to safe topics.
Originally Posted by kiwi
Today I talked to lawyer. Very strange feeling sitting in that office talking about D. Kind of surreal. I still do not want to be the one to end everything, but have the feelings helps to know some facts.
You were right to do this. Always know your rights.
H continues to be nice, told me he would rather keep me on his health insurance plan instead of me getting the insurance through my job, since he was afraid I would be not well off with my plan. I felt like in some ways he still cares for me or at least feels responsible, which felt soooo good,but I tell myself it does not change anything in regards to relationship. I also feel I want to have my own health insurance, since it gives me some feeling of independence.
I am wonderin if in the future being friends might be possible, could I stand having friendship, if what I really want is love?
Meanwhile H is starting to pack up his things and that is really hard to watch. Moving day is still 3 weeks away and it will be a challenging time for everyone in the house. I have to keep calm and strong for the boys, but struggle with that sometimes.
H continues to be nice, told me he would rather keep me on his health insurance plan instead of me getting the insurance through my job, since he was afraid I would be not well off with my plan.
I can't remember if you went through the "you are the cause of everything that is wrong in my life" phase with your H, but if you didn't, believe me when I say nice is better. Still hurts (because it feels like they are soooo much happier now) but it is definitely better. Take it at face value. It could be because he feels guilty, because he is coming out of the fog, or because he is simply cake eating (he wants you to stay in limbo whilst he tries out his new life). Take the niceness - just don't have any expectations.
Originally Posted by kiwi
I am wonderin if in the future being friends might be possible, could I stand having friendship, if what I really want is love?
I think it is - but only when you stop wanting the other person to love you. Until then, it is friendly, but not friends as you will be both be very very careful with what you say. Friends can say anything to one without fear of hurting the other. Friends can take the p*** out of one another without the other one feeling insulted.
Originally Posted by kiwi
Meanwhile H is starting to pack up his things and that is really hard to watch. Moving day is still 3 weeks away and it will be a challenging time for everyone in the house. I have to keep calm and strong for the boys, but struggle with that sometimes.
I am sorry you are going through this. It hurts like hell. My H signed got the keys to his flat 3 weeks before he moved in. Little by little I saw bits of him leave the house, first his clothes, then his pre-me photos, then things we didn't use anymore (an old toaster, plates, glasses, half the alcohol cupboard, some side tables etc). The first time I went to his flat he had just bought paintings for the walls. All I could think was nothing says temporary like purchasing artwork. Like you, i tried to remain strong for the children - the girls and I even went with him to choose a sofa.
All I can say is it does get easier with time (as much as I hate people saying that to me).
