I've been following some of the threads on here and I think, hope I've come to the right place.
My H and I have been together 16 years, married 14. We have 2 daughters, 8 and 12. BD was about 10 months ago ("I am not happy", "I don't know why", "I don't think we can change", "I don't love you the way I use to").
I now know he was unhappy before BD because he started to change.
- He went on holidays without the family (2 stag dos a week each, 1 to catch up with his friend, and another to attend a wedding abroad) in the space of 12 months - He was going out more (it use to be once every few months up to twice a month) - He started becoming irritable - He started to not be present (he had a better relationship with his phone then with his family - He became obsessed with going to the gym (two to three hours a day) - He bought a VERY expensive car without consulting anyone - He got a hair transfer and his teeth whitened - He was irritable and starting fights - He was about to turn 40.
Anyway, round about October last year, I brought all this up, I cried, he cried, we held each other, and we promised we would try and do better. Then came the worst two weeks of my life. He started to distance himself fully. He started to sleep on the extreme edge of the bed. He started to walk the long way round rooms to avoid me, leave the room or look down on his phone to avoid catching my eye. He started sleeping really really late and then staying in bed in the morning. Anything to avoid a conversation.
I convinced him to attend MC. We lasted three sessions, in which he raged at all my faults and rewrote our history. T. If I tried to defend myself, he would say "see, she's starting to shout", so I didn't. I just sat and listened, my memories of us; the reasons we became a couple in the first place, the night he proposed, our wedding day, the days we discovered we were pregnant, burning in flames around me, Eventually he said it was a waste of my money (I was paying for the sessions) and that all it did was force him to articulate his feelings, and all I did was cry. He said it was making things worse. At the same time, the MC contacted me and said she wasn't right for us. He had kept cancelling and re-arranging at the last minute and she wasn't able to offer that level of flexibility. So, that was that.
The next few months were terrible. He would avoid, sneer or belittle me. He was home even less, when he was home he was at the gym. I started to make myself smaller and smaller.
I remember thinking at the time, who is this man who is never home, and when he is, he is either not present, or he is angry. I read in one of these threads the mention of 'replaced by an alien' and then realised that is what it felt like. An alien full of anger and spite.
We had agreed at Christmas that he should move out, we would tell the kids a few weeks before so they would not feel abandoned and it needed to be two bedrooms so the children would feel that there was room for them in his life. This took some time but he eventually moved out in March. He found a two bedroom flat nearby and spent about three weeks getting it ready. It was heartbreaking watching him build a new home. He bought wall stickers for the childrens bedrooms, art for the walls, rugs and cushions. I had taken all the pictures of him and us down and he took these with him. When I visited about a week later (to pick up the kids) he had taken our pictures out of the frames and put the empty frames up. I cried when I got home. At the time I thought it was heartless. But I think he was only doing what he thought he should be doing.
So far, so MLC, right?
This is the part where it starts to diverge from typical MLC behavior. He has become, over the last six months the father I had always wanted him to be. When he has the children (which is frequent), he spends time with them. He takes them to the movies, ice-skating, dinner, parks. He even sent me pictures of the three of them putting face masks on. I spoke to him (one of the few R talks we have had) soon after he moved out, he said that he knows what is important now. He is re-prioritising. D8 said about a month after he moved out that she sees more of daddy now but not as much of me. This hurt. I have not changed. I am still here. Doing what I have always done.
His re-prioritisation does not extend to me. We are still awkward and unsure around each other. We are trying, I think, to be kinder to one another, without giving the other any indication of hope (him to me) or longing (me to him). But every now and then I see the sneer threaten to come out, the flash of anger when he doesn't get his way. He pays more attention to our dog then he does to me. He still walks the long way around the room. He will give everyone a hug and a kiss, even the dog, when he arrives or leaves and then give me an awkward "hi".
That's the backstory. Where are we today.
My children are away with my ILs. This is the first time they have been away without us as we had always felt they were too small to go away without one of us. My H and I had been waiting for the day that they could go away with my ILs so that we could have time together. Instead, he is in his flat (I think) and I am in this big house alone. We have not spoken other than a few children related texts two weeks.
My H has mentioned separation order once since he moved out. I said if that is what he wanted I would not stand in his way. But I would engage a solicitor to review it for me because I wouldn't be able to look at it rationally. He raged a bit, said I was wasting money again, actually the words were "you are taking thousands of dollars away from the childrens inheritance and I will tell them that you did that when they are older", and stormed out. He has not mentioned it since.
So, why am I here. In reading some of the threads I sense people come here because they want to save their marriages. Those that respond, and there have been some beautiful responses in other threads, offer encouragement and guidance. So many of the sites I first encountered when this happened were full of anger and spite and in reading them I became angry and spiteful. That is not the person I want to be. I am moving towards acceptance but need some prodding along the way. My marriage is a good one and I truly believe that my H and I love one another. He is (or was - I think the fog is lifting slowly) depressed and made some poor decisions whilst in the eye of the storm. I know this is a long journey and today, I am willing to walk it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I can see how you'll find many similarities between your situation and the others on this forum! I for one can relate well. It's hard to describe the pain when you get cut out of your own husband's life, especially when you see him being loving and caring towards others. Did you try doing 180's or making long-term changes to the areas where you feel you could be better? Not that your husband left due to your actions....it sounds like this is something he's dealing with that's based on his own unhappiness in life. Perhaps though everyone will benefit as you go through your own journey of being the best you can be. No matter what it's hard living with the uncertainty that separation brings. I truly hope yours will be one of the success stories. In my case my husband also went through those same changes but they were ultimately due to him having an affair and feeling he missed out on having fun in his life. That would be one other consideration in your case - whether your husband was dating someone else or whether his behavior was due to an affair.
Thank you for coming back to me. Yes - I feel the similarities between my situation and that of others on this site. I also like the way you all encourage one another to keep our chins up. This path is not easy and it is good to hear encouragement.
I think my husband and I pretty much went by the playbook post BD. I switched between angry harpy, calling him all sorts of names to to begging and pleading and telling him I love him all within the same breath. Mean while he recoiled at my touch or, in midst of calling him names would say "see, this is why we can't be together". He saw me breaking down and seemed to fault me for being week.
Did I 180? I guess I did even though I didn't know that was what it was called. Initially I did it for him to prove that change was possible - one of the things he kept saying was "we can't change" - and then once he had moved out, for me, to fill the void. During MC when he was listing all my faults I mentally listed them down and then tried to change. Some things have stuck, like going to the gym, and others have fallen by the wayside. I gave up smoking and then started again after three months (christmas, a particularly terrible time for ones family to be falling apart). Those things were for him and no for me.
More recently I have stopped pursuing him. I don't call or text unless it is children based and I don't initiate R talk EVER. I try not to let him see how sad I am. This means we speak less and some of the tender moments I was able to get from him (reassuring cuddle or an I love you reluctantly given) don't happen anymore. I fear he may think I am adjusting to things and moving on. I am not. Every time I see him, I want to shake him and say "come home".
Am I getting a life. Bit by bit. He still invades my thoughts. I am trying to gain control over when those thoughts come. I cannot avoid them, so I make time for them. Like typing out this reply. I also started to keep a journal. I hope by restricting my thinking of him to specific times, I am more able to live in the present at other times. There is a part of me that worries that by writing things down I create a narrative and am in someways feeding them. Other things: going to the gym, going on holidays on my own (when he takes the kids on holidays), going out to dinner with girlfriends, going out for drinks with work colleagues. I have to admit that some of it still feels forced.
The dreaded affair thing. I know that he was not having an EA or a PA when he left. Now, I really don't know. I try not to think about it. At the start I listened to the wrong people. They said he must be having an affair. I did what everyone does - did google searches, asked friends to see if he was on various dating profiles, checked his bank statements - and all this did was make me angrier. The only thing was the odd local hotel when he said he was away for work. At the time I was sure it pointed to something, but looking back, it was more about him not wanting to come home, then him wanting to spend a night in a hotel with someone. And, today, 6 months separated, he does not act like a man having an affair. He wants to spend every hour he is not working with his children. His flat is full of photos of them. There are toys everywhere.
Journaling ...
Today, H popped around to take our dog for a walk, This is the first time I've seen him in two weeks. He was dropping his car off at a garage near by and thought he'd take our dog for a walk. He wasn't expecting me to be home. He came in, we exchanged pleasantries, and then he took the dog for a walk, came back, we exchanged more pleasantries and then he left. We still do not look each other in the eye when we talk. He asks me lots of questions about what I've been up to the last two weeks. which I responded to pleasantly but without adding too much detail. He did not offer, and I did not ask, what he has been up to.
I am going out with a few of the moms tonight for a meal, I am going to try and have a good time and not be sulky and sad.
It sounds like you are handling things about as well as you can. I liked the way you described the interaction - answer his questions pleasantly but not in detail, and don't ask him anything, just validate. I would just say that he really shouldn't be dropping by the house unannounced if he isn't living there. My wife and I have a schedule for her to visit the dog, so that she won't just "accidentally" run into me.
In terms of him invading your thoughts, that will happen. It's hard but the trick is to acknowledge the thoughts, hold them lightly and let them pass. Ignoring them or burying them doesn't work, but neither does letting yourself get swept up in the emotions, and the cheeseless tunnels of repeated thoughts. It's a delicate balance that I am still struggling with myself. Journaling can also be good. Some days are going to be better than others, but you will find with time that the thoughts lessen. I also will focus on my breathing to bring myself back to the present moment.
Worrying about him having a R with someone else is a cheeseless tunnel. Right now your relationship is over, and you need to let him go. His actions are beyond your control and worrying about them does nothing to help your state of mind or your sitch.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It sounds like you are handling things about as well as you can. I liked the way you described the interaction - answer his questions pleasantly but not in detail, and don't ask him anything, just validate. I would just say that he really shouldn't be dropping by the house unannounced if he isn't living there. My wife and I have a schedule for her to visit the dog, so that she won't just "accidentally" run into me.
In terms of him invading your thoughts, that will happen. It's hard but the trick is to acknowledge the thoughts, hold them lightly and let them pass. Ignoring them or burying them doesn't work, but neither does letting yourself get swept up in the emotions, and the cheeseless tunnels of repeated thoughts. It's a delicate balance that I am still struggling with myself. Journaling can also be good. Some days are going to be better than others, but you will find with time that the thoughts lessen. I also will focus on my breathing to bring myself back to the present moment.
Worrying about him having a R with someone else is a cheeseless tunnel. Right now your relationship is over, and you need to let him go. His actions are beyond your control and worrying about them does nothing to help your state of mind or your sitch.
Hang in there. It sounds like you have some good GAL options, so take advantage of them, and when you have the kids focus on them.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I've been following some of the threads on here and I think, hope I've come to the right place.
My H and I have been together 16 years, married 14. We have 2 daughters, 8 and 12. BD was about 10 months ago ("I am not happy", "I don't know why", "I don't think we can change", "I don't love you the way I use to").
I'm new here also, but it's kind of strange to see so many people in the same situation. My W and I have been together for 17 years, married 15. We have 2 daughters, 8 and 12. I hope that both of us get the resolution we seek, but I do know that I'll be a better man for this.
Davide - thank you for your kind words. I am trying not to go down the cheeseless R tunnel (the metaphore is very fitting) for that way madness lies. It is hard to avoid though. Particularly when you're on your own, which these days, I am often. Oh, how I use to wish for time to myself.
My H still considers this his house. At the start he use to drop by all the time and just take things. Mostly spare things we didn't use anymore but it use to get to me. These were things I had picked out and bought. I eventually asked him to ask first, and to give him his due, he hasn't taken anything since. He now only comes round when he has the children and I am at work. The kids prefer being here than at his flat so we've agreed that that is OK. He wasn't expecting me to be home on Friday, so I expect he probably does still drop by without the kids - but I can't really prove it. I get the sense as time goes by he will drop by less and less as he feels less like this is his home.
Harvey - you are right. When I started reading the various threads they all sounded familiar. I didn't really put much stock in mid life crises, thinking it was just a cliché we use to tease men with red sports cars. But the last year and reading this site in particular has made me believe it is real and that belief helps me to hold on for the day he comes out of it.
D12 is going through a life transition. Moving from child to teenager. She is learning who she is. I sense her detachment. Most of the time, noting I say or do (I am her mum after all) is right. People don't think it is at all strange when I say "I guess I'll just have to hang in there until she's 18 and comes out of it", yet, when I tell people I have not given up on my H, they look at me as if (and sometimes say) I'm mad and how could I put up with him. I would not give up on my daughter. Why would I give up on my marriage. I believe my daughter will come out of her transition a fuller person. My relationship with her post transition, will depend on my reactions during her transition. If I act with kindness and patience, obviously setting boundaries a long the way, then our relationship will be stronger. I hope the same of my H. And if not, I hope, like you, Harvey, that I am a better person for having gone through this.
Taking Davides advice and doing some journaling ....
I went out with my girlfriends on Friday night (after the unexpected visit from H) and it actually went really well. Most of the conversation was around our kids but there was laughter and some of it from me wasn't even forced . I met them at the school gate when D12 was 3 so we have known each other a long time. There was live music which was really good but was there more for ambience and background noise then the main event. They all commented how much better I looked, apparently I use to look like a shell of myself immediately post BD and now have colour some back and have put weight on. I feel much lighter physically and emotionally and their saying so was a little validation of this. We are planning on going to a comedy night next month which I am looking forward to.
I started to come down with something over the weekend. I had lots planned, mostly errands and such, but had to put them aside in favour of sitting on the sofa and feeling sorry for myself. Luckily my kids are still away with my ILs so I could be pitiful in peace. Normal levels of pity when your sick, not my H has left me and my life is ****.
Work yesterday and now sitting at home waiting for my H to bring the kids back.
My birthday is next month so am planning a birthday party. My first in 20 years. I've been so busy with my career and being a mum that I have let 20 years pass. BD was just before my birthday last year and I think I need to celebrate how far I've come.
My kids have been back from their holiday away with my ILs for two days now and we have settled back into our routine. D12 seems a lot more chilled out then before she left which is a great. I think the being a 12 year old girl, starting high school and her father moving out has really taken its toll on her and being away with my ILs has meant she doesn't have to worry about school, about her parents, or the fact that she is growing up. She could just be a kid again, albeit, a kid who is turning into a teenager. Plus, my IL's spoil her rotten.
I caught up with a girlfriend for lunch today. She commented on how well I looked. I met her at the same time I met H all those years ago. We all worked together so she has known both of us for the entire length of our relationship. As friendships do, even good ones, over the years, we'd cut back on seeing each other to maybe twice a year. Since BD, she's really been there for me, so the meet ups have increased to maybe once a month . Not a lot, but she works full time too and has three children of her own. Anyway, she commented on how much more relaxed I looked and said that I was starting to look more like the real me again. Small steps, but the validation is good. She also mentioned this is the first time since BD that we've managed to get through lunch without me crying. Wahoo, nearly a normal person who can sit through a meal without breaking into tears
I started painting again last night. A life long hobby that gets picked up every now and again (normally when I need to stop thinking) and then dropped. I haven't really done anything since BD because even painting wasn't stopping my thoughts from going round in circles. Now that I have better control over my emotions, I thought I'd start again. Noting major, a small landscape, but it has turned out OK. Not OK enough to show to anyone aside from family and friends, but it isn't bad. It is a fairly positive pic as well which is a change from the dark stuff I did after BD.
I haven't heard/seen from H since he dropped the kids off two days ago. This is not unusual. He normally rings in the evening on the house phone and D12 always picks up. He only really asks for me if there is something logistical that needs discussing, and to be fair, I only really ask to speak to him if I have something logistical I need to discuss with him. That I am calm with this is a big step forward from when he first moved out. Back then I use to get upset that he didn't want to speak to me. I'd never say anything to the girls, but it definitely use to get to me. Now, I'm just like, "oh well".
It all seems so very mature now - but it still hurts every now and then. It hurts now as I type this.
Its been a weird couple of days. I don't see my H for two weeks (albeit because the kids weren't here) and then I see him everyday since they've been back bar one,
On Friday he was scheduled to pick D12 and D8 from school and have them overnight. I sent him a friendly text during the day reminding him D8 had swimming the next day. I knew he would have to drop over to our house at some point to get the swimming kit so said, as I would not be home from work until after 7, that there was food in the fridge if he wanted to feed them. This isn't pursuing (I think). He works shift work and can be gone for days so often only buys food when he needs it otherwise it goes to waste. Plus, his flat is small and the kids prefer being at the house. He thanked me and said he would probably do that. When I got in they were still at home. I was going to meet some other mums for dinner, so asked if I could get a lift into town (he lives in the center of town, I live on the outskirts). He said yes, and then asked me lots of questions "who are you meeting", "where are you going" etc. Like last time, I was pleasant but not overly forthcoming.
When he dropped the children off on Saturday he stayed all afternoon and into the evening. D12 and I watched a movie, and he sat on the sofa reading the paper. He changed some bulbs, he looked at a toilet that wasn't flushing properly, he checked on some work we were having done in the garden, he took D8 to one of her clubs. He just stayed. Eventually, when it was time to sort out dinner, I asked if he wanted some. He stayed for dinner and eventually left around 8.
Today he called and said he was finishing work early and would be around to talk to D12 about her soccer match this morning. Soccer is a bit of a daddy daughter bond and he never misses a game if he can help it. He stayed for about two hours. Whilst he was here, I went to my room (I made a point of calling it my room) to meditate and do some yoga. When I came down, he was going through their school bags and grumbling that I hadn't emptied them and that there was homework that D8 hadn't done yet - o do her homework after dinner sunday night so that she can enjoy her weekend. He was back to the nit picky just before BD H. I think it was because I went up to my room but I am not sure.
. Not a lot, but she works full time too and has three children of her own. Anyway, she commented on how much more relaxed I looked and said that I was starting to look more like the real me again. Small steps, but the validation is good. She also mentioned this is the first time since BD that we've managed to get through lunch without me crying. Wahoo, nearly a normal person who can sit through a meal without breaking into tears