I have neglected him for awhile now and I feel that this is the punishment I'm getting for doing so. I'm working on incorporating him back into my life and I have seen improvements in other areas.
But this...I don't know. I don't know what his plans are for us. I hope it's R because of our D4, our house, etc. I'm just afraid that it may not be. And if it's not, what more bad stuff could happen? And how much more can I take?
I'm venting primarily. I know I just have to be patient. It's just harder some days (like now). The gaps between bad days and good days are slowly getting wider, but they are just as painful.
Nothing in my sitch changed. Just the awful things W has done and continues to do to me. I wish I can believe her that there is no emotional or physical A with OM but I can't. I knew I shouldn't have snooped.
Day three of me being a crying, blubbering mess. Everytime I think I have reined it in, a destructive thought comes and it kicks me down and I'm the ground gasping for breath again.
I learned my lessons...and I'm finding out (very painfully) what not to do once I get my second chance.
I know I'm doing the right things. I feel like I'm growing. But every little bit I grow is brutal. I keep wanting to cry "Stop! Stop it now!" and I can't. I keep getting positive feedback. But it's so difficult to detach. Does it take this long?
I've been only DBing for a hair over four months. I'm learning it takes anywhere from 6-12, maybe longer. Is that true? Approximately one month for every year we've been together (9 years) or married (7 years)?
Is she teasing me? Is she slowly coming around? Is she gaming with me? I want answers that I can't have. And that's what makes this all the worse.
Pain- please stop focusing on her and start focusing on you. Try starting with a gratitude journal everyday. Write down things that you are thankful for. Even follow it up with things that make you happy- new experiences that you want to try- along with your daily or long term goals. Hopefully this takes your mind off her and puts you in a better mindset focusing on you. Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Pain- please stop focusing on her and start focusing on you. Try starting with a gratitude journal everyday. Write down things that you are thankful for. Even follow it up with things that make you happy- new experiences that you want to try- along with your daily or long term goals. Hopefully this takes your mind off her and puts you in a better mindset focusing on you. Good luck on your journey!
I have been doing that, LW. I've been great strides in GAL and getting my issues addressed. I have accomplished nine major goals so far this year. Stuff that I never thought I would achieve. And it's being noticed. I'm not asking for notice. It's just happening. I'm putting on a "I'm great!" face around W and her friends. Something that I have never done before. I stopped talking about R at the end of July. It was the day after I "let her go" I signed up for the forums here and asked for guidance on this journey. The last 44 days have been huge in terms of my growth. And the last three days I feel like I have stalled. I tried to GAL last weekend but it was harder than usual. The thoughts of W and OM invade me constantly. I keep hoping and keep detaching (terribly slow process). I don't know what the average time for detaching is, but I sure as f*ck know it's not 44 or 125 days.
And that's the hard part is that I know I have a long long way to go.
Day three of me being a crying, blubbering mess. Everytime I think I have reined it in, a destructive thought comes and it kicks me down and I'm the ground gasping for breath again.
Sounds like you're having panic attacks (gasping for breath). Crying is fine and healthy, but if you're having panic attacks and/ or suicidal thoughts then get to your doc ASAP. You may need to get on medication for a while to help you through the rough spots.
Quote
But it's so difficult to detach. Does it take this long?
It takes a long time. Usually when people think they are detached they are still a good 6 months away from actually being detached.
Quote
I've been only DBing for a hair over four months. I'm learning it takes anywhere from 6-12, maybe longer. Is that true? Approximately one month for every year we've been together (9 years) or married (7 years)?
Not sure what you're asking, it can take that long to what? If you mean recon, everyone wants a timeline which is why Michele mentioned that in her book (one month per year together) but that is just a very loose guideline. Some recons happen in less than a year, but most don't happen for a couple of years. Some even happen a decade or more later. And of course some never happen, often because the LBS no longer wants it when the WAS changes their mind. The outcome is unknown, so the goal is to get yourself to the point where you are OK REGARDLESS of the outcome.
I'm already on medication. I've been working with my doctor regularly to address this. All pills will do is help with the peaks and valleys, which it does, but it's not a cure-all. That being said, I am able to function through this hell.
Six months, nine months, I don't know. You're right in which it may take months. I don't want to rush the process. At this point I still want things to work out with W and I. I've been wanting that for months. I deflate at the thought of a year or longer part. I can be patient, but I cannot keep hoping while other opportunities for happiness pass me by. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm making my way there. I just don't know how much time to give myself before I stop trying on R. I'm improving on myself. Daily. But my hope for R ebbs and flows. Folks like Gordie and Steve had to go through a longer period of this before WAW began to turn around. I just don't know how long they held on and when they considered giving up. And that's the hard part. The waiting.
I also am noticing that when I get depressed I frequent this place more often. Something that I'm also trying to fix. Obsessing isn't helping matters and I'm reading way too much into other people's sitchs and affecting my thinking.
Going to try to stay away for a few hours today folks. Hopefully I can succeed.
I'm already on medication. I've been working with my doctor regularly to address this. All pills will do is help with the peaks and valleys, which it does, but it's not a cure-all. That being said, I am able to function through this hell.
Sorry I think you did mention that before but at my age I have trouble remembering the details in all the different sitches here! Quite right that it's not a "cure" for grief but it should help you get through the grief a little easier.
Quote
I deflate at the thought of a year or longer part. I can be patient, but I cannot keep hoping while other opportunities for happiness pass me by.
Not many people have that kind of patience. I mean if someone told me "if you patiently DB for 3 years then your W will come back, that's 100% guaranteed" then I would have stuck it out. But without a guarantee who wants to put up with years of this crap? Most LBS's move on after a year or two. They get over the grief, they meet new people, they start dating, they realize there IS life after BD. And often, by the time the WAS does come back and express interest, the LBS is fully invested in their new life and doesn't want the WAS anymore. A lot of people come here asking "why aren't there more success stories", well that's a big reason why. But likewise, I've seen a few cases here where the LBS DID wait for years, and the WAS never did want to recon. So you have to decide for yourself how long of a wait is long enough.
