Steve...as stander provided in another thread I'm reading:
Another Stander: "I didn't hit bottom until well after BD, and ironically I thought I was handling everything just fine right up until it happened. But then I fell into a black pit the likes of which I had never experienced before, it was awful."
Being with my D at her first day of pre-school was pure JOY. We talk about our own chapters of life, seeing your child begin a new one is straight love to the soul...even though there are also tears for the baby/toddler they no longer are. Without her mom there though...
On the face of it, our sep agreement is basically easy. Acceptance of it for me, however, is like another step towards the gas chamber. Simply don't want this chapter to end especially this way. Folks talk about chapters, I've tried twice to write a forever chapter of love, twice I will have failed and best I can say right now is...I do not want to write any more chapters. All the memories, love, hopes, dreams...shattered again. I know I will be great for my D, but the rest of me to new relationships/women...just shutting it down. Marriage does not last and best I know this marriage I wanted SO MUCH, I failed...she said herself you were a great father, provider but I want and need so much more...guess it's for the best I let her go so she can find that.
The only thing I can say for fact is that I will continue to try to understand how I failed her and do my best to make myself the best man I can be for my D.
I think it is amazing that you are able to experience such joy with your D at her first day of school. That has to be such an amazing feeling. Focus on that, on the gratitude for having such love in your life. It is so easy to caught up in the eddies of negative emotions and let them wash over us and drown us. Don't forget to gaze up at the light that is already present in your life.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide...yes, the most wonderful feeling on this earth and the one love that never "quits" is being the parent and the love to and from your child. the toughest part is the guilt/failure I feel that I couldn't provide to her of all those who deserve one, a loving family.
reading old threads you can find so many posts that describe where you are now:
"I had placed all my trust in my wife, and while I recognized she was only human, and I accepted her "faults" in my heart - they were not really faults at all in my mind, just part of who she was, just part of the package that was her - anyway while I accepted that she was human and also that I myself was human and had faults, I held our relationship up high. I believed in love, in our relationship, in commitment. I believed in all those things and knew in my heart that those good things were what life was worth living for, those things were true and constant and would always be with me. Those things would make the good times better - vacations, cooking in the kitchen, ballgames with the kids - and they'd make the tough times which were sure to come, bearable - a car accident, an untimely death in the family, disease, the loss of a business, one of our kids getting pregnant, or whatever life was going to throw at us. I knew, deep down knew, that we'd be together, our commitment was unshakable.
But then the betrayal, and the realization that our relationship was in crisis, and ... oh, that was tough."
Thing is we never had a "known" tough time until BD and none of the good stuff up til then meant a thing to her towards trying to save us.
spoke with atty yesterday. as a business transaction probably won't be long until W has the separation agreement completed. i expect then W will file immediately. i can only say gut feeling for why she is racing through this process is that there's someone else waiting in the wings, but I do temper that based on sandi's words that us LBH's have NO IDEA what goes through a woman's head. so let's just call it my best uneducated clueless guess.
anyway as a business transaction I'm emotionless on it. D will end forever any chance of R between us, it will also end any friendship between us...for my D's happiness I hope somehow we will be able to co-parent.
D will end forever any chance of R between us, it will also end any friendship between us...
Why do you believe this? There is lots of cases of R after D. Even after many many years of D! It doesn't have to be the end.
Now admittedly, I am not a big fan of the whole "lets be friends" after D thing. But to say that forever there will never be a chance of R after D is just simply not true. Now if you want to say "D means I will never be open to R with her ever again" then that might be true. And is well within your power to make that decision.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve W has not once made ANY effort to even speak about WHY she left so NO WAY if she D's me will she ever even think of wanting to R. given how she has acted I have no intention of doing any holiday, birthday, anything with her ever again if she files. truth is I believe for her to have gotten to this point there HAD to be an OM. if it was a PA, even if not, that means now in her "chronology" I'm old news/dead feelings. i don't know how I could get past that and thankfully as it seems she has ZERO feelings for me, I can compartmentalize and not have to think about that what if.
so many articles I read reinforce my belief that it was all me, I let her down and caused her to leave. i heard her every single time when she said she was unhappy, but how did I know without her telling me how to help make that better for her. as we say here we aren't responsible for someone else's happiness, then even if she was unhappy it wasn't my job to fix that for her. i just wasn't a good enough husband for her. didn't listen, didn't appreciate, wsan't intimate, you can throw the book at me and I'm sure many, many other men on here for all the same things, but I loved her, she meant the world to me and if I had known what she needed AND more importantly had she been open to providing me what I needed and WANTED to truly be happy, we could have saved us.
i'm sorry steve, as I've said before I'm just in a dark place. truth is I NEVER HAD A SINGLE CHANCE before I wrote my first word here. whatever horrible ways I failed her led to the end of our MR and the destruction of our family, I just wish I had been all the things she needed her husband to be. i'll go to my grave thinking this, the greatest sadness of my life, was all my fault and her silence will confirm that so.
