Turning a corner (pain18 DB story - Part IV)

[Phoenix9]

Called my mom crying.

She asked me if I still had room in my heart for her. I thought about it and said "yes". She told me to keep fighting. She told me that I'm an amazing son, father and will make an even better husband the second time around. I was driving so I had to pull over I was sobbing so much.

I hate this. And none of the folks here going through a version of hell like my sitch deserve this. At all.

[Again18]

Hang in ther pain18. I went through this in 2003 came out of it in 2004. Right now I think my wife wants out again. We're still together, still talking but it's definitely starting to get uncomfortable again. But, I've done the rollercoaster rides had my setbacks many times. My wife told me three times over the course of a year she wanted a divorce and I even told her to start the process and in the end she didn't follow through. Stay hopeful, and stay the course.

[Phoenix9]

She's in the bath. Last time I was in the house while she bathed she was in a towel, went into her bedroom for...50 minutes. Came out, asked for Apple Cider Vinegar and warm water and went back in to...clean up.

Next day, I went through phone records...50 minute call to OM during that time.

Agony. Heartbreak. And a lesson to never snoop again.

I'm having another anxiety attack from the PTSD. Why is she doing this?

I go back to when we first met and she said if I cheated it's over. Now she's doing this. Under the bullshit guise of "we're separated. I can do what I want." If I pulled the same crap, I'd be out on my ass penniless and homeless.

I don't deserve this. I may have neglected her emotional and physical needs, but this is just awful.

Please let it end soon.

[Ready2Change]

Pain,

Looking back, it was the best worst experience of my life. I am sure I am a better parent for it. I am a better man. I am a better lover. I committed to personal growth. Trust the process.

[Phoenix9]

I am, R2C....I am. I'm growing. And growth is painful.

I am just really sad that I’ll have to wait another 17 years to find love if this leads to a divorce. I don’t want to go through the awful process of dating and relationships again. I’m trying to better myself, but I’m feeling (again) that it’s just wishful thinking.

Awful.

[Seekn]

Pain,

Much love buddy, keep that head held high, you got this. Keep at it, keep GAL. Your wonderful D4 needs a strong dad. I'm rooting for you. Peace.

[Phoenix9]

Early day 43/124:

It’s almost 4am. Haven’t slept since 130. Decided to take a drive to a river outlook and face the dam lights.

I’ve been praying...something that I haven’t done in years. Because I am desperate. I’m trying to do everything I can to right myself and my life. And I don’t know what else to do to ease this pain.

It’s drizzling and I’m letting the drizzle hit my head. It’s giving me some comfort.

No idea on how to proceed this week. Want to tell W that I want to work on things but I cannot. She has to come to me.

[Phoenix9]

Exhausted.

Dropped off D4 at preschool (where W works). Put in a confident face and demeanor. Totally faking it.

Let’s go Monday.

[Ready2Change]

One day at a time, one hour, one minute at a time when required.

You can handle this.

[Ready2Change]

One thing that help me when lying in bed was imaging GOD was holding me in his huge hands. Just be and feel him loving and taking care of me.