No reason to regret letting him know that you are aware of the lie he is living. He was cake eating and you have put a stop to it with your boundaries.
Here is what I suggest when he messages you about seeing your D. "H, it is important to me that you spend quality time with D. The current arrangement is not working for me. I have created a schedule that I feel is fair and would work better. Please review and let me know your thoughts." Of course in your own words.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
kech, my guess is that, while I do think the he does want to see his D, the reason he says daily, and wants to come and go as he pleases, is more to get face time with you. He wouldn't be the first WS to use his kids to get to his LBS. That is why I am skeptical of the bar hat incident. Likely he was setting up the "throwing away of the hat" in order to make a splash with you.
Don't regret confronting him. Again, WSs need more tough love than a regular WASs. But insist on a schedule. This coming and going as he wants is more cake eating. He needs to learn that having a sex partner on the side means that he doesn't get the privileges he was used to.
kech, if you've read other sitches here you've probably seen us mention NGS. Nice Guy Syndrome. And we recommend our resident NGs read that book (I read it as I had NG tendencies). In MC our counselor mentioned to us that there is also such thing as Nice Girl Syndrome. And I think you might have some Nice Girl Syndrome tendencies. I found a book on Amazon called The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused. I think you could benefit from exploring the potential of turning that side of yourself around. Also, you may want to seriously consider IC. What your H is doing to you is traumatizing and could impact you for a long time if you do not properly deal with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LITB, Thanks for the suggestion, I will definitely say that to him today and get a schedule together. I do hope he doesnt throw it in my face somehow but we will see.
Steve, I think you are right. Im always SO concerned with upsetting him and I shouldnt be. Especially when he is admitting to me that he is having a really hard time right now and wants to "get away" and leave town and find a job somewhere else and all this stuff. Thats absurd. If he is willing to move somewhere else away from our D, then he does not deserve my niceness. I think I try to keep it nice with him because he is receptive to it most of the time and I get further with him with niceness than anything else. But I wont be walked all over.
I am glad you both think it was right for me to bring it up to him that I know about OW. I cant imagine keeping that in once I found out. I would have exploded on him one day. I havent heard from him yet today, and I wouldnt mind if I dont. But I am sure I will. And Steve, Its interesting you say you think he comes daily for facetime with me. I do agree with that. I think he likes to feel like hes still here for us and is still the man in our life, etc. Is it normal for a man to be caught like this and then deny deny deny even when we are separated? He denied it all night and then hasnt brought it up since, and I have a feeling he will when hes ready to say to me "yes I am seeing someone". Maybe this week, who knows.
I felt like asking him to leave the house and stop living here (if he refused to show me his phone), would stop the cake eating. I feel like I cant get away from the cake eating. He seems to constantly find a way to do it. Or maybe thats on me. Im really trying. I cant believe how badly I still want to save us. The mornings are the WORST for me. Im surprisingly okay at night. I think its because I am off work and I get to spend quality time with the baby and then I put her to sleep and kind of clear my head and read and do things I need to do.
I just wish SOMETHING would open his eyes. LITB, do you have any idea what it was that ultimately brought your wife out of the fog?I feel like my H is nearly hitting rock bottom and he still seems more lost than anything. Sometimes I feel like hes coming out of it but then something like this happens and I realize wow, I dont know this man at all anymore.
Is it normal for a man to be caught like this and then deny deny deny even when we are separated?
WSs are NOTORIOUS for denials even in the face of irrefutable evidence.
Have you ever seen O Brother Where Art Thou? There is a scene where George CLooney's wife has told the kids that their daddy was hit by a train. And continues to stick with that even when he is standing right there in front of the kids with the kids calling him daddy!! This is they way WSs are. "Here are pictures of you with OW in bed?" "That's not me." "You can clearly see your face, its you." "No its not. And if it is that picture has been doctored."
Deny. Lie. Anything that get them what they want at the moment. They also gaslight you like a pro.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can you explain to me what gaslighting means? I hear this term all the time and have looked it up but I still am not completely sure.
Gosh I hope he regrets this and tries to turn things around with us before he just files for divorce and ends us. Which I know in his fog he is thinking thats his only option. He doesnt want to put in the work he thinks it will take to fix us, so its easier to just keep living his life how he is.
LITB, do you have any idea what it was that ultimately brought your wife out of the fog?
I do know what ultimately brought her out of the fog. Over 3 years into my sitch, my W and kids were driving up Highway 1, along the California coast. Unknowingly, I was driving the opposite direction towards them with my GF for dinner. While we were the first vehicle at a traffic light, turning left into the restaurant, they were the first car stopped on the opposite side. It was the craziest thing.
Of course I wouldn't suggest this. It really was a fluke, or maybe by the Grace of God. That's what I like to believe.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
So she saw you with your girlfriend and it triggered something in her?
Understandable. That is by the grace of God, im glad that happened for you. I cant imagine finding anyone else I want to be with the way I want to be with my H. I know in time that changes.
I'd be lying if I said im not surprised I havent heard from him today. Its 11:15am here and normally I hear from him in the morning. I dont know how often I tell myself to have no expectations, and yet still subconsciously I expect things.
I cant stop thinking of H with OW. Seriously disgusts me. I wish I could just clear my mind of stop thinking about it. I know him so well its crazy. I really do, and I know he is in the mindset that now that I know this, our M is too far gone to save. That on top of not feeling "in love" with me, and having to earn my trust back and rebuild, hes going to convince himself its not worth it. And even though I have been told in here that a D is not necessarily the end, it certainly feels like it.
How do I want to be with someone who has made SUCH a mockery of our marriage? We were always the solid couple, surrounded by so many other couples that were on and off, talking about their business to us, H and I would just look at eachother and smile because we were so not like that. And now here he is telling me "ask her if you think im seeing someone! Ask her", when hes sitting there probably texting her "Ive told W to ask you if were dating", just so many lies.
It all reeks of immaturity to me. Saturday night when he was telling me to ask her, I told him he knows me better than that. I almost said "You know im better than that", but I didnt want to say something that would come off elitist or that Im saying I think im better than him or her or speak down on her, bc Ive read thats not the way to go. So I steered clear of any misconceptions. but really, I am better than those games. our MARRIAGE WAS better than those games. He is now trying to drag our relationship through the mud and make a joke of us and it is so hurtful.
I know thats not what hes TRYING to do, but its what hes doing while in this fog. IM sure im repetitive in my venting, I just am so hurt. I never thought he would be this kind of H and honestly this kind of Father. And I know if I said that to him he would be SO offended and never let it go, but it is the truth. This is so sad.
I already know the answer to that is no, im not going to. Here I am saying I am ok with him not reaching out and letting me be, and then when I dont hear from him im sad.
