I already know the answer to that is no, im not going to. Here I am saying I am ok with him not reaching out and letting me be, and then when I dont hear from him im sad.
This is insane
You are right. The answer is don't reach out to him. A lot of DB'ing is counter-intuitive, so it feels insane. Trust the process, Kech.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Can you explain to me what gaslighting means? I hear this term all the time and have looked it up but I still am not completely sure.
Gosh I hope he regrets this and tries to turn things around with us before he just files for divorce and ends us. Which I know in his fog he is thinking thats his only option. He doesnt want to put in the work he thinks it will take to fix us, so its easier to just keep living his life how he is.
Gaslighting is making someone think they are nuts. One day saying something and then the next day denying they said it. Google gaslighting psychology.
You keep being afraid of D. You will not get where you want to be as long as you fear D. You have to embrace it as a potential step in the process. Trust me on this. As long as my W detected that I was going to try to avoid D at all costs, she wanted nothing to do with R. As soon as I started to embrace the fact that she would eventually file for D, and preparing for it is when she started to question that decision. He throws D at you as a scare tactic. Take the power back. Next time he says "I am sending you papers!" Respond with: "Ok, once they get here I will have my attorney look them over and get back to you." It will blow his mind. He is used to controlling you with the threat of D. You need to start showing him that even he D's you that you will stand up for yourself and what you believe (including your boundaries IE not allowing him to have an OW).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks you are right. When he mentioned D the other night via text during the OW convo, my response was "Agreed. Do what you need to do. Have a good night" And he continued texting but I didnt say anything past that.
I think I become fearful that I will try to appear so strong, he will believe it and he will think nothing he can do will fix this so why even try.
The other night I could tell he was down and out. Even though it was because he was caught, I know a lot in his life is hurting him right now. And part of me just wanted to say "I love you. Come home. We can get through this together." I want him to know that as a team, we can get through anything. But thats me just wanting to save him again. And I know thats not what I should be focusing on. Its just where my heart is. With me I know I can help him through certain situations that he puts off and pushes away from and doesnt handle. And now he just wants to run from all of those problems. Including me. When with me all he would have to do is say he wants to try and earn my trust back and see where our M can go.
But I dont think he knows that. I dont know. Im rambling. I will try to stop being so afraid of D. I can just feel it coming and I know its going to break my heart. But I will not show him that fear
another question, do I bring up at all that he just said saturday night he needed to get out of town and was looking for s new job somewhere else? Or do I let that go and see if he mentions it again?
Never initiate those kinds of conversations. If he does, then you listen.....and validate. Read the validation thread again. Have validating statements ready to go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I cant believe he hasnt reached out. Bizarre. And also killing me
Find ways to get your mind busy and on other things. Make baby your priority numero uno. When she is asleep then get busy doing other things. Your goal should be to be busy from the minute you wake up in the morning, or until you go to sleep at night.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am, thats the sad thing. I work 8-5, so I am working right now. but my mind runs wild. I need to get better at not thinking about him all day
This takes time and practice. You are coming out of a traumatic weekend. Be patient with yourself.
Just don't let it paralyze you, which I know you won't.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
