Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[SteveLW]

Turbine, so it is very traditional. So is she an active member again, your last post was a little vague on that point.

[Turbine]

Steve85, yes... traditional sounds right. I don't know how active she is again as she attends the locale physically closer and I attend the one that is time closer. (side streets vs highway).

I would love to attend with her even if we sit on opposite sides (seating divided by gender) it would be time reconnecting. Not there yet... praying for that too.

[Turbine]

So this last Wednesday I rode to Church with my Brother in law because I was really tired. I average about 5 hours of sleep a night and have for so long that I seem to have adapted to this. That is a discussion I will have with my Dr.

After the worship service we had stopped at Burger King and grabbed a couple of Whoppers. Supper wasn't enough and yes I know fast food really isn't taking care of myself. More about that later. While we were waiting for the food, my wife texted him and in the back and forth (not in English) it seems she wondered what was going on and she had gone to the other locale. Her continued attendance is encouraging but until we are attending together I will try to not get over enthused about this. Feeds back to this: Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does. I will not even put this into a category yet. I know which one I would like it to be in. That is an expectation... (sigh)

Even if I see the text exchange I would need it translated from Tagalog or Visayan. Of course my B-I-L could tell me what it ways but even getting a screen shot would be snooping. Yeah I know... detach. After 31 years... how on earth do you just shut that off?

There is a picture of a female wolf and she is "hiding" under her mate. However her mouth is open and she is as committed to the fight as her mate. She has got his "back" by protecting his throat. God I miss her. Does everyone feel this vulnerable?

I have tried doing things without her. I saw Deadpool 2... alone. I cried in the dark... Deadpool. I mean really that isn't exactly where you would expect that. NCIS episodes... The Ranch... there are triggeres everywhere and not all the time. This [censored] but getting it out... we'll see if it helps.

Oh... yeah... going to Church would not be to find anyone else. They all know her and they are all not her. So not an option. I love my Filipina.

[Turbine]

So last night I dreamed my wife and I were snuggling and kissing. I hope it foretells a positive outcome. At this point just wishful thoughts.

My W has a part time job working as a home care CNA. She will be covering for another caretaker and won't be home for 10 days. Time I will put to use cleaning the house and taking care of me. When my parents passed there was a lot of stuff that ended up at our house. Added to our own stuff and the house no longer feels like a home... physically. Emotionally I realize it hasn't for a while...

Other than any necessary and immediate contact I will leave her be. She is working and easy no contact time.

[Turbine]

She also works full time. I should have included this earlier if I hadn't.

We met while I was active duty Navy. Got married in my dress whites.
She hates that I didn't finish 20 years. I hated I didn't fit in and was never home. So yeah there is a point of contention there.
When we got out we moved back to be closer to my family. Her Mother was living with us.
Now her mother is the only parent we have left.
I never met her Dad face to face. He died after falling out of a second or third story window. He had Alzheimer and crawled out a window when everyone else was asleep. The conversation was in Tagalog so I had to piece together what was happening from the English being used and the comments directed at me.
When he died I didn't hesitate to get my wife the money for her to travel home for his funeral. My brother in law stayed here, even though this was his father.

[Turbine]

So I sent her a text message this morning along the lines of you don't want to talk then you can't complain if there are changes you don't like.

Not intended as anything more than a statement of fact.

Her answer was "What is the changes I don't like?"

I haven't answered yet. Might not at all. Might just change stuff around the house without her input.

She doesn't like it... tough. She says she won't change her mind. Maybe she needs to see something new.

[SteveLW]

So you throw a text like that at her, and then ignore her direct response?

T, you are going about this all wrong. The right move in DBing is TO NOT HAVE SENT THE TEXT MESSAGE. Don't make it worse by ignoring her query. It comes off as passive-aggressive and "I just wanted to get a rise out of you."

Enumerate the changes you were referring to. If it was just to get a rise out of her, apologize and 180 and go back to being dark.

What are you doing for GAL tonight? Detaching isn't just turning it off like switch. If it were that easy this forum wouldn't exist. You have to work on it. Are you going back to Cadet's original response and rereading all of those links daily? You should be. So many newbies here either ignore his post, or read it once, and then go on and do whatever they feel is right to them. And then wonder why they weren't successful. Look up poster Nutcrac's threads as an example of this. (He and his ex are D with no contact now, by the way.)

[Turbine]

Her response came while I was driving... so I had to wait to answer.

There is a cabinet that was my Grandmother's. My Mom got it after Grandma died. My aunt would like to have it since it had been her mother's. I had no real desire to have it but my wife did. Why... I really don't understand why.

Since it is inherited it stays with me. If I dispose of it she has no say. Antagonistic yes. Some days I am tired of the games. Clean the house... when stuff is spread all over since she moved into another bedroom. Some of her stuff is stil in our bedroom. I'd like to either move it all out of our bedroom or move her and her stuff back in. Yeah... patience...

As for my GAL tonight... cut the grass, clear jungle in the backyard. After dark... work on my stuff in the bedroom. I'll leave hers alone since doing anything else is antagonistic and counter-productive.

Oh... fill out some job applications for a part time.

[Turbine]

Did I say part of her complaint is I ignored her. So is going dark/no contact the right move? That would seem more of the same. Seems very no win here either way I go.

[AnotherStander]

Turbine, first I agree with Steve that a lot of women go through an "awakening" in their late 40's/ early 50's. Maybe it's menopause or maybe not but it happens a lot. Sometimes they just need some time and space and then they decide they want to stay married. Sometimes they don't. It's unpredictable. But regardless, time and space is your best approach right now. Pursuit will just drive her farther away because right now she doesn't like you or want you. Have you ever had someone pursue you that you didn't like, and the more you tried to avoid them the more they threw themselves at you? It's very unattractive behavior and has the opposite effect of what they want. She may eventually find you attractive again, but it's going to take a long time. This is a marathon.

I also agree with Steve that you shouldn't have texted that to her, that is classic pursuit.

Supper wasn't enough and yes I know fast food really isn't taking care of myself.

Yup, you're right. Your sitch is going to mess up your sleep enough as it is, don't make it worse by eating junk. Now is the time to take stock of everything you're doing wrong in your life and fix it. That includes what you eat. One of the DB'ing pillars is to get yourself in the best shape of your life. Work out and eat well. Lose weight if you need to. Eating right will improve your appearance (weight, hair and complexion) and general outlook on life.

By the way, what is the situation where you are hanging out and going to church with her brother? Be VERY careful what you say to him. There should be NO discussions of your sitch with any of her relatives.

Yeah I know... detach. After 31 years... how on earth do you just shut that off?

It takes time. It's not a light switch, it's a rheostat.

I have tried doing things without her. I saw Deadpool 2... alone. I cried in the dark... Deadpool.

If you need to cry then cry, just not in front of her. I cried more after BD then the previous 3 decades combined.