Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[neffer]

Then her hairstyle...

[imlost8]

Turbine, welcome to the forums and sorry that you are here. I was in a similar situation as you twice in my marriage. I am repeating some things that were already said, but maybe it will help you hear it from multiple people. The DB principles do work. Steve is completely right when he says that is the only way to get her back:

But yes, you need to let her go to get her back. She will either come back or she won't, but nothing you do will cause her to do that. All you can do is give her the time and space to figure her own stuff out.

This seriously sums it up and it's very true. This exact mindset got me back with my wife. I tried every type of pursuit, affection, anything you can think of and none of it worked. It only made things worse. When I honestly, truly (not an act, I mean SERIOUSLY) let go, stopped caring, GAL, and imagined a future without her - that's when she came back. I am living proof that it works.

This is how I summed it up for myself and this is how I think about it. Your wife says she doesn't want to be with you. It is IMPOSSIBLE for you to change that, we can't control other people no matter what. Next step is to accept this. No positive outcome will happen if you continue what you are doing. Things will only get worse. To accept it, you need to move on, truly move on. Cut all contact that isn't truly necessary. No more petty phone calls/texts. Picture a life without her, make future plans/goals without her, just take it day by day. Cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Then, do activities that you enjoy doing. Spoil yourself! When you really detach and let go, she will see that she's loosing you. She will notice the change in you. She needs to miss you if you want a chance at fixing this. But if you are always there, pursing, arguing, etc, she won't miss you and things won't get better. But, whatever she does is up to her. Remember that you can't change that, you can only change you. You will get through this whatever the outcome is. Just really read and apply these principles, they do work. Good luck!

[Turbine]

She needs to miss me... in house separation... Hmmm

I have been reading the Going Dark thread so I have much to ponder in addition to the DB and DR books.

Which leads me to a question. Are there any books or articles that should be left around to be discovered? I know the DR and DB are not. What about M/V? is this acceptable or not?

Or would an dance school info be better? My dancing skills are pitiful...

[SteveLW]

Leaving things laying around so she'll find them is manipulation. Just DB and skip the manipulation attempts.

[Turbine]

Thanks, I don't want to manipulate her. As much as I'd like to help her and expedite her journey that isn't the way it works.

Although this morning I feel like she can take a hike. I don't need her but I would love for her to choose to work this out... duh.. like everyone else here.

Maybe some of that impatience working to the surface. Maybe not enough healing of myself.

This week was an easy dark. She took time to work second job so another caretaker could go on vacation. Trust her... I don't know... maybe...

We have lots to do and right now all I can do is my part.

Time will tell.

[lost8]

Hang in there Turbine...I am extremely impatient and realize I have no chance unless I let it play out. I had myself convinced that I was going to file for D and was not being honest with myself when WW made a move back to me. Caused me more pain to realize I was not being honest with myself but I should have been happy that she was realizing that I might be the better choice.

Long road I am 4+ months in but only a month of dbing.

[MoveFrwd]

Complains I ignored her, don't have common interests, don't give her flowers or gifts.

This is interesting to me. Have you read the Love Languages? Sounds like hers may be gifts and quality time. How about you? How do you receive love? How do you give love?

I haven't try to learn her language or cultture, don't like her food.

Its interesting that after 31 years, you havent made this kind of effort. Why not?


What would be different if she were to change her mind? It's easy to say "I would appreciate her more". But what would you actually change? What are you doing now to grow?

[Turbine]

I have read the Love Languages. I did get flowers (Roses) a few times. She said waste of money and why not before. Granted she also didn't throw them out either. I had gotten a bottle of her preferred perfume for our anniversary. That too was rejected.

I would love to go for walks with her or to the gym. I am and have always been rather self conscious about getting up in front of people and singing or dancing. Got to work on that...

I do like Filipino food. I have tried to learn Tagalog. I can read it a little better than speak it. Some of that is it is spoken very quickly and it all just runs together to me. I know a few phrases. I have been trying to learn more with some help from our nieces and nephews, a co worker and online stuff. So far my phone is learning faster than I am...

I haven't always been as supportive as I could. When we went back to school I helped her with the course work as much as I could without doing the work. I helped her with the economics course so much that I tested out of it myself.

We (the two of us) have only her mother left. My Mother will be gone 5 years, Dad 3 years and her Dad 2 years. There was extra stuff involved with my parents as executor and trustee for my sister. All that just from my family made me feel overwhelmed and put upon. Trying to explain how it was supposed to work to her is hard because she has some pretty set ideas about this.

[Turbine]

Well there it nothing wrong with playing the Learn Tagalog phrases in 8 hours while I sleep. Multiple nights until it sinks in.

Yes sort of a bump...

[Turbine]

Okay. I need to "pick your brain" about this past weekend.

I spent Saturday night at my D and S place. Unannounced to W. So while we are having breakfast I get two texts from W.
"Are you home?" and "Good morning"
In response I sent her a picture of our grandsons and their dog. I also responded with Maganda umaga (good morning) in Tagalog.
W response "Did you went to church?"
Me "Leaving in a few minutes."
W "Which church, in Bloomingdale?" and "Are you at Alex?"
Me "Chicago. Yes. Just took that picture of the boys."

I finished my breakfast, the cup of coffee and went to church. While I was driving there she called me. Since I was driving and cell phone use unless hands free is a ticket, I ignored her call. When I got to Church I sent "Missed your call because I was driving."

I saw her car after Church. Didn't approach her.

So here is the question. Since she has left the church, (by requesting a transfer and letting it expire, yet still attends) would dropping a tell to a minister be out of line? There are friends she has known longer who may have seen her. They don't know. I told them the truth when asked about my W. She was working and I had spent the night with kids.

I did move more of her stuff into the basement. So caring what she thinks is rapidly fading. She did return home last night from her home care job but I was sleeping and left this morning without interaction.

So... thoughts?