Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

I appreciate the input everyone.
Sandi, yes, I realize I am my own worst enemy and I am doing everything I can to detach and refocus.
I also agree that my "crutch" to not getting out is my family. No longer an excuse. Hitting a game up this weekend.

Just waiting on the appointment with my A to start going over things and seeing what my true rights are. I pretty much know but there is always 2 sides and I will do my best to structure it as fairly as I can. Some things will be negotiable for me, others will not be. But this is more about structure and black and white so I am much better focusing on this part.

Nothing new. We are just ambling through, casually saying hi, bye, short convo's on errands or the kids, It has set into a comfortable "rut". I think it is comfortable for her as again, she doesn't do anything. She will do a load of laundry, clean the kitchen, work at preparing a meal, maybe work out on our no impact eliptical for an hour or so, take a nap and get the kids. After that it is not much but making sure the kids get started on their homework, if not a nap, then dinner and tv or book time. She was humorously sarcastic to me the other evening. I took it as a good sign. If she can joke with me, I thought it was good. I am not examining everything she says or does, but this particular exchange just stood out since it was so different. I didn't react, just let it go and continued on.

I have not told her i retained an A. I will look at the new GAL possibilities while I am working through the legal details. Example, i scooted out before anyone was up this morning and met a colleague for breakfast. i planned it last evening and just got up, got out and didn't get home until a little while ago.

i am hoping that my body is just recoiling from what it has gone through and since I am relaxing a little bit, the exhaustion came on. I'm going to go with that. Slept well last night and feel good today even though I had a long day. Tomorrow should be jam packed as well. Then the weekend. Good weather. A couple of hikes, some chores around the house, a game and some fun!

[Dtrmned]

At least I was mostly prepared.

Knowing we were going to have to have the housing discussion as I mentioned earlier it happened today.

My W actually brought it up. Said she was looking and probably found a mediator. Nothing scheduled. She also mentioned the living situation. I acknowledged that I was thinking of that as well. I did ask whether I was looking for a place for just me and the kids or all of us. Her response was that she was looking for this time to be when we parted ways. She even mentioned that she may be gone prior to the holidays as she doesn't want that kind of depression/pressure/issues to happen during the holidays.

She mentioned trying to move school districts as D is unhappy with hers. Problem is S is VERY happy with his. My office is close to their schools and I could easily find a place in this area to make logistics for them and me easier.

Got the "I have been their primary caregiver" speech of which I stated we have both sacrificed and invested in our children's lives in different roles.

I did preface the discussion that I didn't want to get into an argument or any type of marital discussion.

This is what she says she is thinking.

Thoughts....

[SteveLW]

My thoughts? Unless you push the issue (and you can if you really want to) she will be living with you well past the holidays. Every deadline this woman has ever set has come and gone without any hoopla or fanfare, and without her following through on any of her "pronouncements". At this point when she mentions mediator and moving out, etc, it sounds like sounding brass and tinkling cymbals to me. As it should to you.

DO you believe she will follow through on any of this?

[Dtrmned]

I honestly don't know.

I, of course, based on past history and Sandi's rules I can't believe anything she says.
It just baffles me that she is in such a state of nothingness.
She did bait me a few times and I didn't take it (i.e. when she was mentioning her being the primary caregiver she said that my D doesn't even remember me much since I was gone traveling a lot. I had one company that I traveled for that I owned for 4 years. My travel was out Monday and in Thursday about every 3 weeks or so. The other times I was home working out of the house. I took my D to preschool every morning and picked her up most afternoons. We rocked out to hair metal and had a ball. If you add that all up, thats about 260ish days I missed while she was 18 mos to 6 years old. During that time we had great vacations, holidays, etc.

She did say she was going to email me the mediator so I could look up their reviews, information and costs. I still haven't received that yet.

I did not tell her I retained an A and don't think I will just yet. That is for my own piece of mind. She did try to drag it into a MR/Settlement talk and I just mentioned a few things and told her that most of it, to me, was fairly black and white. There is very little gray in it to me. What's right is right. She did profoundly state that she does not want to go the lawyer route (apparently as she was doing her research and her previous experience, she understands the cost and the dragging time involved. Also, I don't know if she is going to get the help she had before from her parents as they may have lost interest due to the length she has dragged this on and the waste of money on the previous filing and withdrawal. I don't know, but I just get a feeling on this. If she had the funding, she would be full speed).

So Steve, I am still in limbo. I have said this many, many times on Friday and even though I hate limbo, I am thankful for another week having my family in the same home. Reading through your and other situations, I know it gets darkest before the dawn and you never know what may strike a cord in my W that may change her course, if there is a cord that can do that. I am not going to push for D, but I am going to get the information and see what it would look like based on my A's suggestions and my input. I will begin to plan to live within what the A is thinking regarding child support, etc. built into my budget. I will also start looking for ideas on new places to live. It will definitely be smaller than what we live in now, but it will be big enough that if my W decides to come along and work on our MR and we work through our conditions on working on that, then that would acceptable.

Bunches of stuff this weekend. Weather is beautiful so looking forward to relaxing and hopefully not thinking about this for a couple of days.

Thanks ALL of you for your continued support. I know sometimes I sound like a broken record since my head is a little thick and it takes me a while to soak things that I should have gotten weeks or months ago. I value this board and all it brings.

[Dtrmned]

I would love to say this is getting easier.

In a way it is. I go through each day a little less stressed than the one's prior. Some are better than others, but I can see myself getting better and better. Good weekend. Took the kids to dinner yesterday. I went to a game on Saturday and had a good time. Socialized with some people and as I suspected I am still a likable individual.

I got a lot done this weekend around the house. I won't lie my W mentioning the moving thing and that her intention was still to part was on my mind but did not bother me as much as I thought. My mindset is that there is a big chance it is going to happen so my preparations for this seem to be working. Of course I will be sad when/if it happens. I believe she will be as well. Who wouldn't? There were no arguments and no real discussions as W had some health issues that kind of knocked her out for one of the days. The other I was busy.

I did mention one thing to her yesterday. She has been really struggling with her health these last several weeks. I don't mention it often as she has requested me not to comment on that. She was out of it again yesterday and after she awoke again and got settled in, I just looked her square in the eyes and said:

"I know you asked me not to mention it, but it appears to me there is something going on with your health that you may want to look into. I wouldn't mention it, but I am concerned". Her response was "I just have to get over whatever virus or whatever is going on, I'll be alright". I've known this woman for over 20 years and have been with her through all of her health issues. Her skin is very pale. It also appears to be much dryer than usual. She has zero energy, irritable and just not happy. I don't know if this is a combination of depression (due to our sitch), the usual depression she deals with, any of the multitude of health issues she deals with daily, or a new one arising. I don't know.

Just to clarify. She is not an invalid. She "appears" to everyone else to be a normal, beautiful woman, wife and mother. Very few people know what she deals with. I do. i will encourage her to look into this, but it is her choice on how to deal with her health.

Looking forward to the work week and digging in and making some things happen.

I mentioned this earlier, but it just seems like we are detaching from each other much, much more. I know that DB'ing is for myself regardless of what happens. I am just curious as to if this is normal? Must it happen this way (at least most of the time) for there even be a chance to R? I think she is looking at it almost the same way I am. If there wasn't the lease ending issue, I think this would have the chance to go on for as long as she would like it for and as long as I would allow it to go on. But with this there, there seems to be a clear "deadline" that we both are feeling. My thoughts go back to what AS said last week that most in house separations are difficult since each person doesn't get the chance to both miss their spouse and experience life without them. I know this is on my mind as I had 2 really bad dreams last evening. Both were just interactions with my W. Just conversations. But both hurt very much. I just did some meditation in bed and coaxed myself back to sleep each time. I know these are normal. It is just hard when you would love for the person you love and is supposed to be your partner in life, just to be there for you to hold or for them just to hold you.

Input is greatly requested...

[AnotherStander]

Just to clarify. She is not an invalid. She "appears" to everyone else to be a normal, beautiful woman, wife and mother. Very few people know what she deals with. I do. i will encourage her to look into this, but it is her choice on how to deal with her health.

I am not in any way trying to diagnose her, but I had a coworker in his 60's whose W's health was the same as what you describe about your W. She seemed vibrant and healthy to most people (she was in fact a model), but she was struggling with all kind of health issues at home. The docs couldn't figure it out, she had no diagnosis. They tried all kinds of different medications and she just continued to get worse. It's really a sad situation because they both loved to travel and dreamed of retiring and traveling the world. By the time they both retired she could barely leave the house, and traveling was completely out of the question. Now she has dementia on top of everything else. It's just terrible. Anyway I wish you the best, you've got a very difficult situation because you're not just struggling with marital problems but your W's health problems as well. It's good that you mentioned it to her but unfortunately that's about all you can do. It's up to her to seek help (or not).

[Dtrmned]

AS, Thanks as always for the input.
Had to pop in and grab something at home. W was heading down to get on the eliptical and was in her workout clothes. I mentioned that I'm glad she felt better to do that.
She shrugged it all off as her just being "tired" and that she is fine. I view that as being in total denial, but that's just me.

And yes, doctors have diagnosed, treated, mis-diagnosed, used a huge variety of medications and treatments. End result: Chronic pain and altered personality due to the medications. I am not blaming that at all on our situation, but it does play a part as it has totally changed our lives.

No idea what to do, so I am just going to continue to DB, GAL and do my thing.

Really, what else can I do?

[AnotherStander]

And yes, doctors have diagnosed, treated, mis-diagnosed, used a huge variety of medications and treatments. End result: Chronic pain and altered personality due to the medications. I am not blaming that at all on our situation, but it does play a part as it has totally changed our lives.

Well we do say not to look for answers because there usually aren't any, but having read along in your sitch I honestly feel her med's have played a large part in why you are here. That makes things particularly difficult for you because she's still on the med's, and if it really is because of the med's then there's not any changed behavior on your part that's really going to make much of a difference. Not only is she rejecting you but she's not seeking out love elsewhere, which sounds like she has just lost the ability to love (which the medical community is just starting to learn is a side effect of many medications intended to treat mood/ personality disorders).

No idea what to do, so I am just going to continue to DB, GAL and do my thing.

Really, what else can I do?

That's really the best you can do. I admire you for sticking with it, you have a lot of inner strength.

[Dtrmned]

I appreciate the words AS.
I believe many others would disagree with your assessment.
We will see this week if I get the mediator's name and number and she pushes forward.
There is no mind reading any longer. She is angry today. At what I don't know.
Us getting a D, her getting her own place, being a single parent half the time, losing time with our kids the other half, having to get a full time job and doing it all by herself is, IMHO, next to impossible.
If she cashes out all of her assets, I think she would have about a year before it crashes in. This doesn't count any type of income she might get, but I don't think that would be sustainable. Her options seem to be:
1) Refocus on our MR, choose to be happy and keep our family together
2) Try it on her own. This will mean a HUGE drop in standard of living and a giant increase in responsibility. She is a strong willed person but with the health issues on top, I don't see this being successful.
3) She will have to jump into a new relationship rather quickly just to keep a decent standard of living and the ability to not work and just have some help from a companion and of course the finances. Looking at this option, I know she is a beautiful woman, she is engaging and fun (when she can be). Knowing the health situation along with the emotional/mental issues she has to deal with, wouldn't this just seem like "trading spouses" for lack of a better term? I don't see this one working either as truly what does she have to bring to a new relationship? Sex? Sure, for the first few weeks or months, then a health issue comes around or the chronic pain heats up and then its done. Money? She has very little. Fun? She could go out a few times, but she can't drink much with her medications, she can't drive at night, she can't stay out late, and even on lunch dates she gets tired very quickly. Even getting ready for a date (and this was a few years ago so way prior to BD) sometimes she just getting ready would wear her out and she couldn't go due to exhaustion. Companionship? If you don't have time, energy or desire to put into a relationship, how long would it really last? I haven't been single in a LONG time, but I think that any partner would want someone who would want to participate in their life to make something work and have a future.

Tough to concentrate today for some reason. Reflecting on the dinner I had with the kids last night. it was good, effortless and fun. Happy for that. Sad my W didn't go. I don't know if she didn't go because of health or MR issues. I just asked if she wanted to go and she declined.

[Dtrmned]

I am calm, but I am in true need of advice.
I did not snoop, but a friend that knows us saw my W's ad up on a dating site.
As predicted it is in the W4W section.
How do i handle this?
I am actually calmer than I thought I would be.
I did check on the other side W4M and didn't see her there.
Can i get a little feedback on what I am looking at here?