Help Please: 3

[neffer]

That’s the attitude man. Just reading a book or going cat flea hunting...you need to GAL like a SOB.

Just do it

[Terapin]

I made no contact today. She called an hour ago. I called back after about 30 minutes, and she wanted to tell me she's stopping at a store after work today. I said 'ok'.

I really feel like she's very timidly taking small baby steps towards being closer with me. But you guys are 100% right. If I act like a needy, sad, pushy, etc dweeb, all this work will be for not.

i also think she had another IC appt today. After the last two appts, she was very talkative. Not sure how tonight will go, but I'll just listen and validate like I've been

[SteveLW]

Yes, the WAS usually comes back in small baby steps. Just keep DBing to draw her further in.

[AnotherStander]

You're doing fine Terapin. We're not Nostradamus, we've just seen the patterns WAS's go through so often that it gets fairly easy to predict what they will do next. You ARE seeing some positive signs from her, but again, like we're all saying just stick to your picnic and let her come and go until she doesn't feel the need to retreat into the castle anymore. It takes time.

[Terapin]

Thanks guys.

Here's been the problem with 'going out' and doing my own thing. I already mentioned the sitch w/ her sister. Now she just texted and said her mom was dx'd with parkinsons today. So she's got a ton of crap she's dealing with. For me, a 180 would be to be here to support her, which is what I've been doing. I think in a way it's good, and since they're my family too it's not anything I mind doing. But in the process, I haven't been GALing too much. I said earlier I planned to go out for a while tonight, but after the news of her mom, now I"m not sure.

[Vapo]

Listen to your intuition. Drown out all other noises and go with your gut feeling. What does your inner voice suggest you do?

[Terapin]

Last night was interesting. Good, bad, and a little ugly at times. i didn't go out, cause i took son to a practice, then had to deal w/ the cable company for an hour. W was drinking, and at about 9pm she said her and IC had a good convo about us today. I'll try to keep this short. I fully expect the 2x4's, but believe me most of the time I did just listen and validate. I never once argued, was very stoic, and the things she really pushed for answers to, I tried to keep them short and honest.

-W told IC she feels bad for crawling into bed the other night. Still has no recollection of it, and feels bad that it may have 'given me hope'.
I said it just startled me a bit cause I thought something was wrong or something (ok ya, I lied a bit here)

-W also told Ic she feels bad because of her sisters sitch, she hasn't had any time or energy to think about us all that much. Appreciates me being understanding and supportive.
I validated

-IC told her that it's time she just 'bites the bullet' and commits to going to MC, at least to 'see what happens'.
I didn't reply at all to this at first (W isn't overly impressed with IC, but she at least seems reasonable and pro marriage
from what I can tell)

-W said she has definitely noticed changes w/ me, especially doing more around the house, with our son, giving her full attention during conversations, VALIDATING!!! etc. Her and IC had the same question; 'why now?'. W asked 'this is kind of a perfect partnership now, but where was this guy the last few years? And IC and I wondered if this is an act to get something in return?' (this is a bit of rewriting history, cause especially the past year, I feel I've done just as much as her with cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc)
This caught me a bit by surprise. But I said, and it's true, that shortly after BD I told her i know i need to make some changes, not just for me, but for son, and any future relationship i have going forward. I told her that's still the truth, and if me being more 'involved' is something that appeals to you and trickles down to us, then good. If not, that's fine too.

- IC suggested MC, and also for us to makes lists about what each of us wants/needs from a/our relationship.
(Funny, I suggested the same thing on BD!)

- W then went into some of the resentments she's had for me for years. Many revolved around the birth of our son, and the first year or two of his life. She was the primary caregiver, and she felt very alone with stuff (feeding him in the middle of the night, etc)
I validated, and rightfully so. When she pressed about that stuff, I apologized. Some of the stuff I had no idea

- W and IC asked/wondered if I knew what an emotional connection was, or how to have one. lol. W went into how I never touched her, cuddled with her, communicated, etc. She did say communication the last month has been fantastic, but the physical stuff isn't there still, and she doesn't know how she'd feel about it now either. (this is also a rewrite of history, because 99% of our R was me being the initiator of all things physical. If I had a nickel for every time I initiated sex, asked her to lay on the couch w/ me, slapped her butt, etc....)
I validated the best I could. I wanted to say 'After a million rejections a guy tends to give up!'. I actually didn't say much to respond to this, cause she kept jumping in with how she has shut down for a long time too.

-W said she's been trying to do/plan some more things for us to do together, and especially w/ son. She said she has no expectations of anything, but is just seeing how things go. She was originally mad that I bought us concert tickets (she said she wanted to go, I asked if she wanted me to get tix, she said yes, and the next day I got them), cause she felt I was 'pushing' things. Now that she's processed it she's cool w/ going.
I wanted to argue about the concert, but I just listed and validated. It probably was a pursuit that happened too quickly. Regarding other plans, I just said that I think the last few weeks have been going well.

- She then talked for a long time about her family, her job, etc
I just listened and validated

To end, she thanked me for talking. Said she feels like we've been 'close' (communication, household stuff, etc), but the intimacy and emotional stuff still isn't there, and she's not sure how to get that back, or if it can come back. She said she's ready to try MC, but wants to make sure I'm on the same page (i have a feeling that page is 'not many expectations', but I could be wrong). She said IC asked her what she'd do if i hugged her, kissed her, told her i loved her, etc. She said she really didn't know, and it scared her that if she would pull away how much it would hurt me.

One other thing, despite her firing a lot of shots at me, in nearly every topic of discussion, she also admitted to me (and apparently IC) that she played a big role in all of this, and she hasn't been an ideal spouse either. For example, when her postpardum stuff was going on, she said it was partially her fault cause she never talked to me about it. Intimacy, she took blame for never initiating and then rejecting me so much. etc

Anyways, sorry for the loooong post. Like I said yesterday, I had a feeling this was coming. I have to read up on emotional connections, cause I obviously have no idea what it is or how to achieve it!

[Terapin]

Just journaling a bit here:

Friday evening we ordered a movie and hung out w/ son. Not much to report.

Saturday we took son to a food/beer festival. Met my brother and SIL there. Had a pretty good time, then went back to our house to hang out that night. It was a pretty good day and night, although the alcohol was freely flowing that night and there was a weird moment. W and I were alone for a few minutes, and I put my arms around her from behind. She kinda flinched away and said 'sorry'. Like an idiot I got a little mad. She said something like 'I promise I'm trying. I love you, and we're trying'. She brought up MC again I think, and the night ended up with her sleeping in bed with me (no sex or anything close to it). Again, unfortunately we were both pretty drunk.

Yesterday was quiet as we were both nursing hangovers. She slept on couch last night.

So nothing really new. Small step forward, half a step backward I guess. It's such a fine line between patience and feeling like 'friend zone'. But compared to where we were a month ago, things look more promising.

[SteveLW]

T, I am seeing some definite good baby steps here. The putting your arms around her was a bit of a setback, try to control those urges. Remember, lighthouse! SHE COMES TO YOU, not vice-versa.

One piece of constructive criticism. And take it with a grain of salt since I am a recovering alcoholic and staunchly against alcohol. But I would try to avoid drinking. At all. For the duration of your DBing. Once you are past piecing and in full R then go nuts. The problem is that DBing is difficult enough with all of your faculties! Throw in drunkenness and you can undo all of your hard earned DBing efforts very easily.

[Terapin]

The criticism is legit Steve. Alcohol has always been a problem in our relationship. Not that either of us are hardcore alcoholics, but we both drink too much at times, and it often leads to bad decisions, anger, jealousy, etc.

And you're right about needing her to come to me. It's hard because I could probably count on one hand the number of times she's initiated anything physical, ever. Which is what continues to make me mad beyond belief. She would never initiate anything with me, yet was flirting/sexting with some loser. And again, I'm not sure why it bothered me when she pulled away, cause I have a LONG way to go to get over her EA, even if it only was a 2 week EA. Even if she would beg me for sex, I'd have a hard time not feeling that she'd be thinking about OM during it.