Husband Cheated, left, trying DB 2

[kech]

Pain, I am glad you are having a good day, hold on to THAT! Bc they are few and far between for me at least.

You seem like a very strong person, and thank you for saying I am handling it well. I have really tried to be the bigger person as much as possible over the last year. Ive done my fair share of begging, pleading, promising to change, but I was never really mean or nasty to him at all.

I have tried to handle this with as much grace as humanly possible. He knows it too, whether he would like to admit it right now or not. He has told me I have handled this all so well. Too bad he lets himself forget that and treat me like sh*t right now when HES doing somehting wrong

[kech]

Okay I will do that. I am going to contact a lawyer this week and set something up, although I am so upset by it. I didnt think we could do just a dissolution, when a child is in the picture, but I am not positive. I dont want him to bring it up again but obviously he is going to and we will discuss it next week. so upsetting, but I will do the best I can

List out your questions;

1) Is my state a fault of no fault state?
2) Is it equal equity?
3) Is it joint custody?
4) How does child support work?
.
.
.
.
.
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Remember kech, knowledge is power! When you get information like the above, then his threats will be without merit. When a lawyer tells you "Most of the time the spouse that leaves the home gets less custody" then when he is angry and threatens to fight for full custody, you can let it roll off your back because you know he has about as much hope of getting full custody as he does hitting the mega ball jackpot.

Thank you, you are right, that makes me feel a little better. The custody sitch is what will kill me more than ANYTHING. But im still here hoping for a positive outcome in M. But his anger is now clouding EVERYTHING so I dont know. I dont even know where the anger comes From! ANyone?

[SteveLW]

We are a no fault state, I did look up some info last week. I will get my question list together and schedule something. so upsetting, not what I want at all. I am nervous for when we sit down to discuss it.

You said earlier You think I still have him on the hook. Could you expand on that? The way he is acting is SO angry at me.

They always get angry when they feel they are losing control. This means you are DBing well. I know you are wired to think "Anger = bad. Bad = Divorce". Not not so. The most dangerous place for a spouse to be is in apathy. If he is angry that is not a bad sign, necessarily.

[kech]

Okay thanks for that Steve, bc I do feel like right now he is so clouded by anger he is just running straight to divorce. And thats scary

[Ready2Change]

> Note, this isn't a movie date.

W - I need to talk to you can you please call me asap
M - Is S ok?
W - Yes.
M - Is it about S?
W - Well, kind of. There are a couple of things we need to discuss and it's too much to txt. Will you call me or no?

RED FLAG
I would have texted "I can't call right now. Just text me or we can discuss later."

As for mediation, I will look over my finances and schedule and let you know when I make a decision."

I am not prepared to agree to a mediation date at this time, so I will look over my schedule and finances when I get a chance and then get back to you about it."

So I will look over the information you have sent me when I have the opportunity and I will reach out to you when I have made a decision.

My plans are my business, and you do not need to make assumptions about them.

My plans do not require your approval, and my sched no longer revolves around you. As I have said, I'll consider the information you have sent me when I have time, and I will let you know when I have made a decision.

Furthermore, I asked if the call was about S. You lied to me because you knew I would call you if it was. The call had nothing to do with him. It is clear that you have no respect for me, and that you chose to lie to me in order to manipulate me. That is insanely disrespectful to both S and I. You have shown that you are willing to use him to get to me. You clearly have no respect for him if you are willing to use him like that.

Perfect responses This is how you are to respond to H.

More words to remember:

It is clear that you do not value my request for time to look at my schedule and see what works, nor do you value my feelings on the entire matter. I believe you are BEING EXTREMELY SELFISH.

when I state that I have a need for time to consider your request, you demand that I act on your terms, and when I politely express my need for time to gather information you.....

I said I would let you know what works for me, you became disrespectful and accused me of.....That's not "arranging". It's demanding and manipulating.

you refused to address the issue. Instead, you chose to ...

It appears you value your opinion more than either my feelings or S's safety.

M - I believe you are a caring mother, however your actions speak otherwise.

What I choose to believe is personal to me.

Unfortunately your actions indicate that you do not think about your actions beyond how they make you feel.

My feelings have no bearing on facts.


shows poor judgment.

You demonstrate that you don't respect his well-being, nor my feelings.

How I use my time is my business.

I have stated that I would review the info. Please respect my request for time to process it.


I don't plan to give her a response to when I want to mediate any time soon. Because I don't want a D. I'm not going to undo my plans just to make time for her

[Phoenix9]

Pain, I am glad you are having a good day, hold on to THAT! Bc they are few and far between for me at least.

You seem like a very strong person, and thank you for saying I am handling it well. I have really tried to be the bigger person as much as possible over the last year. Ive done my fair share of begging, pleading, promising to change, but I was never really mean or nasty to him at all.

I have tried to handle this with as much grace as humanly possible. He knows it too, whether he would like to admit it right now or not. He has told me I have handled this all so well. Too bad he lets himself forget that and treat me like sh*t right now when HES doing somehting wrong

I know where you're coming from kech. As you continue to navigate through this hell, you will start to have more good days than bad. Last week I had a period of 8 good days before I crashed last weekend. Three days later (and a firm call to my father later) I'm on the uptick again. I'm hoping to make it to 10 good days before I hit my next low. Small goals, but goals nonetheless. I have GAL stuff planned for the next month. So I'll be busy. Detaching is still a major work in progress, but as Steve and my DB coach have stated, it's a marathon not a sprint.

Keep a steady pace. Don't speed up and lose momentum. Don't lose hope. We need to tell ourselves that.

[Ready2Change]

Remember kech, knowledge is power! When you get information like the above, then his threats will be without merit. When a lawyer tells you "Most of the time the spouse that leaves the home gets less custody" then when he is angry and threatens to fight for full custody, you can let it roll off your back because you know he has about as much hope of getting full custody as he does hitting the mega ball jackpot.

or

When a lawyer tells you "Most of the time the spouse that DOESN'T HAVE A HOME gets less custody"

H has to DO ALOT OF WORK to setup a healthy environment for D.

If you are still nursing might make a difference as well.

If H is drinking excessively might make a difference as well...

Get questions answered to remove the fear and increase your power.

[kech]

Ready, I am going to have to save those responses and come back to this when I need them, because they are super helpful. The entire thought of a D convo honestly brings me down so much, so I am trying to not focus SO much on that, but I need to be prepared. I really hope he can stop being so rude to me. I know that the anger stems from him feeling a loss of control, but it really s*cks that he puts that on me instead of acknowledging what hes doing that is making him feel this way. He puts it all on me, as if what IM doing is making him unhappy. And when he is convincing himself of that, he is just going to continue associating me with negativity in his life, when I am literally the one trying to make sure he sees the baby as much as possible, reaching out to him to make a schedule, being polite to him when I absolutely dont have to be. How do you go from telling someone you are sorry for everything, you wish you handled it differently, to then getting caught seeing another woman, to then THANKING your W for being nice, to then being rude to her and telling her you have nothing to say to her and youre so upset WITH HER?!

I know nothing the WS does makes sense, but what in the world.

Pain, thank you again. Its good to know longer stretches of good days may be in my future. I am so envious of the convo you had with your dad. I can only IMAGINE what mine would say about all of this. He always put everything in perspective and made me feel so safe no matter WHAT happened. We lost him a few years ago to cancer and it really did a number on me. But I have my older brothers and my mom to keep my head on straight and they will help me through all of this whenever I decide to open up more about it all.

I just went out and mowed the front lawn on my work break. It was ridiculously long and H was supposed to mow it Sunday, before OW issues came up. Ill have to get to the back yard tomorrow

[Ready2Change]

The custody sitch is what will kill me more than ANYTHING. But im still here hoping for a positive outcome in M.

That is why am am here helping. (FYI I will be away from boards starting this Friday for 10ish days.)



1) Do you want H and D to have a relationship?
2) Do you want your emotions to control your decision about question 1?
3) Do you want your M status to control your decision about question 1?

[kech]

I do want H and D to have a relationship. I do not want my emotions to control my decision about that, and I dont want my M status to control my decision about that.

What I would like is for H and I to decide the custody and not involve the court system. Which is how we have always said we would handle it if it got here. His work schedule is all over the place, it would make no sense for us to go through the court. If we could work together on it and be civil to one another, we could discuss a schedule at the beginning of each week based off his work schedule. She is still nursing right now and will be until she is 1. When he gets his own place, a crib, a carseat, etc, we could discuss a more permanent arrangement for the weeks maybe.

I dont know. All of it makes me extremely upset. I dont want to get divorced, I want my family together. I love my H, if he wants to sit down and discuss the dissolution next week then we will do that and we will discuss custody as well and go from there. And I will meet with an attorney asap. it makes me really anxious to think about and I feel like I am doing and did a good job DBing this morning and now im not going to be given the time to continue proving that and improving it because he wants to jump to a Divorce. I hope Steve is right when he says the ones who bring it up dont normally follow through. I just want the opportunity to improve with each interaction. Somehow I feel like I slightly gained some power back with this mornings conversation. I should not have asked him why he is being this way towards me, and thats now somthing I know for the future. But I am happy I had control of my emotions, while he seems to fly off the handlebars and then use Divorce as his way of regaining control, and I didnt give him the reaction he expected with "ok".





Is my head in the total wrong place when I start to think I should do something nice for him this evening so his anger chills out a bit, or is that the total wrong direction