Clean Slate pt 3. (Advice on Scenario pt 25)

[neffer]

Get out of there O!

[Maika]

Just ride the day out. Put your phone away. Get away from screens if you can. Go do a marathon movie run at the local cinema. Anything to get your mind off. Take 15 mins to meditate every time you feel anxious or sad etc. Today is your SUPER self-care day. It's all about taking care of yourself today.

[neffer]

And you know you have that strength. Use it Orange.

[OrangeK]

Really REALLY tempted to rwach out and and say "on this day of all days, i hope youre happy with how things turned out, the decisions you made and all you threw away and hurt"

I still cant imagine how happiness is faked or how you can go from newlyweds to cheating in a matter of weeks.

Her loss all day, but damn, today hurts.

[OrangeK]

Even though its wayyyy past that point, the temptation to ask "last chance, is this really what you want?" is huge.
Stupid anniversary....

[TBSakaJ9]

U will be ok OK....I just remembered my A would be 15 years in 3 days.....9/20. It no longer phases me....go home tonight and make yourself a drink.

[OrangeK]

Granted, R isnt what i want either. I just want to hear her say it.

[OrangeK]

Ok, Some of you may have noticed my posts became a lot more infrequent and shorter.

I stopped posting while at work, as it was becoming a distraction and causing me to fall behind at work.



So here are the things that have been on my mind these past 2 weeks. With “Final” (definitely not final) divorce hearing last week, and anniversary today.



1.) A pretty strong resurgence of some of my painful feelings and memories, although the “sting” is a lot less than it had been in times past, having gone through a period where my emotions weren’t bothering me, having them return, even if muted is tough.

2.) A lot of memories have been plaguing me lately. It seems like I cannot go anywhere, listen to the radio, or watch tv or anything without being frequently reminded of her. Whether its one of “our songs” coming on, being places she and I Used to frequent, or just memories, photos and other such triggers have been prevalent lately. Making it harder to keep her out of my head, which I was getting fairly successful at.

3.) Things with my new lady, Mary, are going really well. I have found her to be supportive, she knows my entire situation, and accepts it. She is soothing, kind and sweet. Most importantly (and I looked long and hard through a pretty scruitinous lens) she is genuine.

4.) After inadvisably looking at some of the wedding memories yesterday and today, I am still amazed how she can look so happy. Like over the moon happy, at our wedding, knowing my downfall was already forming in her head. That she would have no scruples about cheating on me 3 weeks later, or that she had likely already cheated on me beforehand anyway. Her falseness and acting abilities still blow my mind to this day. I cannot say if at this juncture she has experienced any sort of remorse, guilt, sadness or sense of loss. If she has it certainly hasn’t been made aware to me.

5.) Her demeanor patterns have been confusing. From Jan through May we literally didn’t speak at all, then from May through the middle of Aug, she was often antagonistic and baiting. Then for a 2 week stretch in Aug she was super nice, bubbly, talkative and kind. Then like a lightswitch she went back to cold silence. Since then she has responded when I have asked about S3 but in a very factual flat manner, with none of her past venom, nor any of her bubbly kindness. She feels very deflated to me. Then on top of that, during the most recent long silence, she unblocked me on all social media. Im not sure if this was so I would see memories that wouldn’t have popped up while I was blocked, if she wanted to see if id reach out, or if she has been using it to observe my life through social media. Its all very perplexing when you consider her history of keeping in touch with and keeping tabs on her EX’s. Additionally her behavior at court the other day was interesting. She stared at me a lot, did more than one “glance over her shoulder” as she left. For someone who claims to “not care what goes on in my life” she has been nosy in weeks past, asking about women I wasn’t even seeing back as far as Jan, as well as several questions about my living situation, who I hang out with, how I manage my time and so on. If she “doesn’t care and wants me to live my life” (something she said at last MC Meeting in Jan), and felt threatened enough to get and extend a restraining order, she has done quite a bit of reaching out to me in the last 6 mos. Bizarre.

6.) I have found myself reflecting on and missing different aspects of things with EXW than I had before. Her child like exuberance, several inside jokes, and just cute things she used to do for me. Its painful to realize that was all just part of the tactic to get me attached, hooked ETC. These are the same behaviors I was seeing earlier in the year directed towards OM, and they enraged me, so they serve multiple purposes for her. Hook her current guy, and make the previous one jealous.







So in conclusion, both my logic mind and my emotional mind have been amplified of late. Its been a strange juxtaposition. To be more resolved than ever that D is the right choice, she is an abusive and hurtful person, and most importantly fake. Fake to the point of illusion. At the same time, probably due to significant dates, there has been a lot of reflection, and missing things gone by.
Next month will mark a year of separation. I REALLY thought I would be Divorced, and over this 100% by now. Head down, carry on.



Any thoughts, opinions, advice or whatever else would be appreciated. I will gladly answer any questions asked.


Sandi, Vanilla, I would very much like to hear from you if you have time, I miss both of your sage advice

[OrangeK]

Bump for previous post....?

[Dtrmned]

Hey Orange.
Just giving you my humble opinion.
You made it through the big storm. I remember reading your posts as you were going through the heat of it all. You were in a bad place, obsessing, mind reading, all of the bad stuff. It was a constant minute to minute struggle. You seem to be way better off in the place you are in now. Good or bad we are still human beings filled with memories and feelings. I believe it is totally normal for your mind to bring these up from time to time. Perfectly natural.
You stated you know it was the right choice to move on since she was abusive and manipulative. You have to realize that you are human. There will be many times like this but as time goes by they will fade in strength and in the times they arise. You are building your new life and new memories. Look back on your memories for they are what made you who you are today. It does not mean you are or aren't sad/angry/happy/whatever feeling you are having because of the memory you are thinking of, it just means that your mind was triggered by some external stimulus and the memory came up. This is still fresh, raw and new for you so knowing you are going to have some rough days in the future just be prepared.
I wish I had more insight.