Ready, I am going to have to save those responses and come back to this when I need them, because they are super helpful.
They are good examples. It is a new and different and BETTER way to communicate. I like how he doesn't commit to a time.
You told H next week works. DO NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. "I will check my schedule and I will let you you know what works" is all that is needed. There is NO TIMELINE.
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he is just going to continue associating me with negativity in his life,
This is where DBing comes in. YOU PROVE HIM WRONG. Make him question his decisions. He can't keep blaming you if YOU are not around.
W:"H, I have giving you everything you want, you should be extremely happy now"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is my head in the total wrong place when I start to think I should do something nice for him this evening so his anger chills out a bit, or is that the total wrong direction
Nope. You look out for you and your baby. Let him be angry. Do not give in. Be strong.
What I would like is for H and I to decide the custody and not involve the court system. Which is how we have always said we would handle it if it got here. His work schedule is all over the place, it would make no sense for us to go through the court. If we could work together on it and be civil to one another, we could discuss a schedule at the beginning of each week based off his work schedule. She is still nursing right now and will be until she is 1. When he gets his own place, a crib, a carseat, etc, we could discuss a more permanent arrangement for the weeks maybe.
W:"H, making parenting arrangements at the last minutes, does not work for me. I would like us to layout a standard parenting plan that we can follow until you have your own place that has accommodations for D. Based off my understanding this is what I propose..........Does that work for you?"
H has to put on his "Big Boy Pants" and make his job work AROUND his parenting time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is my head in the total wrong place when I start to think I should do something nice for him this evening so his anger chills out a bit, or is that the total wrong direction
Totally wrong direction.
Do something nice for YOU. Let him be angry. He owns his emotions. You own yours.
As long as you believe his anger will not turn to violence, you are OK. If you have concerns of violence, then your #1 priority is keep you and D safe.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Is my head in the total wrong place when I start to think I should do something nice for him this evening so his anger chills out a bit, or is that the total wrong direction
Yes that is the wrong place.
FOCUS SHOULD BE ON YOU!!
GAL, 180s, detachment.
You are still too focused on HIM. He has the power and control as long as you do that. Take back the power and control.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
kech, I know you keep talking about how much you dread, hate, fear D.
Remember what I told you a few weeks ago? We end up creating that which we fear most? That is what you are going to do if you try to nice him into not being angry. If you try to nice him into not Ding.
So what is the best way to avoid it? Drop the fear and embrace it!
Here are some steps to follow:
1) Realize that you cannot control him AND STOP TRYING! Being nice to try to get something in return is major nice girl syndrome. It is an effort to manipulate and control. And that will ultimately fail. 2) GAL. One of the best ways to wake the WS up is to show them you are going to be fine no matter what they choose. GAL does that. They take note that you have a life outside of your R with them. This makes them curious, jealous, angry , but it also interests them, and that is where the sweet spot it. 3) 180s. Stop doing what doesn't work, start doing what does. You've tried nice like crazy since BD. None of it has worked. So stop it. That doesn't mean be mean, but it means just stop being nice. Especially when niceness has no hope of working. (You can't live here if you are seeing someone else is an example of this!) 4) Detach. At all cost. Decouple your emotional state from his, and from his words and actions. Step back and really examine why you are so codependent. Most think it is because of love. WRONG. It is almost always due to fear. Fear of being a single parent. Fear of divorce. Fear of being alone. Of having to date. Of having to meet someone new. Etc. Knowledge is power. Research and learn about that which you fear, no matter what it is! And realize that just because something isn't ideal (single parenting) doesn't mean it isn't the right choice! 5) Embrace separation AND divorce. No one wants them, but sometimes they are necessary. You've been separated for 2 weeks and guess what, the sun is still coming up. Same thing will happen IF he follows through on divorce. Embrace the possibility of divorce. This doesn't mean you want or pursue it, but that you armed and ready for it. With a lawyer. With knowing the process. With getting to a place emotionally where you aren't terrified of it even if you don't want it.
kech, I see signs of you cracking. Please stay strong. For you and your D's sake. No one that has bent over backwards for a WS ends up successful. Being a doormat will end up getting you D'd almost assuredly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I really am not cracking, but i do thank God for this platform to have people help me through this. I hate him flipping this and being angry with me, thats what frustrates me. I think the GAL is getting to him more than I thought it would, and more than he thought it would. I used to look at leaving everynight when got here and think it was an inconvenience and frustrating and made things even worse between us because we wouldnt talk. But now I am embracing it in a way. Thinking, okay, what can I schedule for tonight for myself to do for a few hours. Last night was a massage, tonight will be the book store to get a few books and grab some dinner there and read in the cafe.
Him even mentioning the possibility of me seeing someone else is laughable, I dont know when he possibly thinks I have had time to meet someone and see them, but maybe when I leave when hes here he thinks that. I dont know. he is so off but thats okay.
I said cracking because of your "should I be nice to him" question. I think deep down you knew you shouldn't do that. Usually when we ask things we already know the answer to we are considering doing it despite knowing we shouldn't. Thank you for posing it here first before just doing it. Well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ya, I think I do that sometimes because I just want him to see im not the enemy. I am NOT trying to make this a bad situation, so I feel like if I do something nice, make a nice gesture, he will see that and see we are not against one another. But, in this current situation, I need to stop trying to fix things I guess and stop trying to make it all alright.
I just never want to let things get TOO far gone, and I am afraid he will let things get out of control. So I always want to fix it.
Its the same with the D. I am afraid he will go through with it out of this anger he is feeling right now, even if hes unsure deep down.
