Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this.

[SteveLW]

I am a staunch "do not tell anyone about your sitch" proponent. First of all this is all private stuff. If you are going to discuss it with anyone you should first get your W's permission.Note, this is just my opinion. Opinions on this will vary.

The reasons I advocate this approach are:

1) It is pressure on your WAW. No way around it. Eventually, the minister would say something to her. Or her knowing he knows alone would be pressure. Remember, you are trying to remove all pressure and pursuit.

2) People's hearts are in the right place, but you will be given traditional marriage advice. IE Pursue....pressure...reconnect. The whole reason DB exists is because in the vast majority of cases that advice doesn't work. People you are close to will give you advice based on the fact that they care about you and don't want to see you hurting. "Just file for D." "Say this to her." Etc. Its better to DB and not try to incorporate advice from people to close to the sitch.

3) It makes it harder for the WAW to come back. It is hard enough for her to reconcile with you, and get past all of the things that have been said and done between the two of you. If she feels that she also has that dynamic going on with your family, and friends, and minister, and other members of the church, then it might end up being too much work, and push her to just give up.

Be very careful who you tell. sandi gave me advice early on not to "out" my WAW to the Church. That was sound advice, and I strongly suggest the LBS think very carefully before talking to people about your sitch, especially people the WAW will have a relationship in the future if your MR moves to R.

[Turbine]

Don't you wish stuff like that were in the welcoming post... Well that horse is out of the stable.

I hope going grey is the next best thing then.

Put the rudder over hard and tie everything down then.

I didn't initiate the contact over the weekend. I haven't mentioned it to her and don't plan on it either. Silent running.

[Turbine]

I am not sure how to proceed here. Monday night after W got home from don't know/didn't ask she texted me from the kitchen if I would like some apple pie. So I put a t-shirt on and went down stairs. One of her complaints was my walking around the house, ready for bed, without a shirt on. Since I was ready for bed...

In hindsight I think it was wrong to do this for a couple of reasons. However I didn't want to be a jerk about it either. No conversation, she was on her phone with her friend, speaking Tagalog.

Last night I had stopped at favorite local sports pub for happy hour special, tacos. FYI my preferred drink is an Arnold Palmer. While I am there I watch the silly videos or the music videos or my phone and catch up with the news. Not there for more than the food.

I got home after running to the store for meds and some stuff for my lunches. W hadn't had supper yet. She cooked some Filipino inspired dish and asked me if I had eaten. Since I had I declined politely and left it at that. She pressed for another question and again polite answer, vague, again declining.

So how do I walk this tightrope of trying to back away and give her space to sort out/miss me when she does this? I don't want to be a jerk or a doormat. Back off more?

We have a 3 month old granddaughter (5th grandchild) we haven't seen in person. I am thinking of taking a long weekend to go see her. Debating about letting her know about this but inclined not too. She want's me to move on. I hate that phrase... So I believe that doing so may be an unexpected move by me. Of course I would like both of us to meet her at the same time. More for my/our memories than the baby.

The reason we haven't seen her yet is they live near Buffalo NY and we are just NW of Chicago. I had wanted to visit much sooner but W had made plans to use vacation time to go to Fl with home care family. Really upset by that... a lot...

[SteveLW]

Just keep detaching. Read the detachment thread daily. Detachment is an art, not a science. Yes it is difficult at first. The thing is to be polite, present, engaged, confident, pleased, upbeat. But still aloof, as in you aren't engaging first. You aren't starting conversations. You aren't following her around like a puppy dog.

It is difficult when the WAS starts to reach out. How to handle that. My advice is to use your gut instinct and weigh each reach out separately. For instance, if she texts me about apple pie, and I want apply pie, I might take her up on that. If I already ate, and she offers me dinner, then it is fine to respond with "No thank you, I already ate."

Eventually the WAS may ask what is going on, why are you "distant"? Remind them they asked for space, and out of respect for their request you are giving it to them. Funny how many WASs will ask for space, and they complain when they get it. Which shows they will complain no matter what you do.

Also, the no shirt thing speaks volumes. This is a W that is not feeling it for her H right now. Complaints like that only come from Ws that aren't attracted to their Hs. So you really need to back off and detach. Make her come to you.

[Turbine]

The shirt thing was not recent. I put one on because she had mentioned it long before as a big annoyance. Didn't seem to be hard to correct for that.

I am going to keep with the diet and exercise. Dr. thinks good for me anyway and I have been moving in the right direction. My kids want me too also so I am healthier than my Dad was. Side benefit there is I can be around for them and grandkids longer.

Fit and trim physically. Mentally sharp. Emotionally stable and wanting but not needing a R or MR with W.

Sound about right?

[Turbine]

Making use of work schedule and our forced half day Friday's. Coordinating with oldest D to come visit her and my three Granddaughters. Solo trip. W wants space and not willing to make trip before when I tried to set up. Her loss. My memories.

Yeah... wish it were otherwise. Part GAL for me. Part consequences of sitch.

Long drive but have done it before and going to have the time to not feel rushed or be driving after work.

[Turbine]

Let's see... W offered supper last night (salad) which I declined because I ate already. Church that night too. Carpooled with BiL because taking two cars to same place from same place... why?

Our niece was with us so we dropped her off at SiL before we went to church. I didn't initiate any conversation involving W. BiL offered that W was going to attend same place we were headed... Whiskey Tango.....

She was there because BiL rode home with W. She removed herself from membership so I don't know what kind of game she is playing. I know I am getting tired of it.

After her week to cover the home care W said we would clean the house. Not seeing that happening with her stuff. Maybe time to ask her to move out with all her stuff. A change up she probably isn't expecting.

Really getting to where she will have what she wants. I will have moved on and if/when she realizes wrong thing it will be too late. I'm praying for positive results but I will keep working on me.

[Turbine]

Still excited about going to Buffalo.

Got an email from my attorney about some $$$ disclosure. I have to decide if I want equal disclosure... thinking yes.

W still living at home, second bedroom. We aren't interacting at all. Feels so wrong. I don't want her to get the idea I have given up.

Mixed signals.... AARRRRGH!

[AnotherStander]

I have read the Love Languages. I did get flowers (Roses) a few times. She said waste of money and why not before. Granted she also didn't throw them out either. I had gotten a bottle of her preferred perfume for our anniversary. That too was rejected.

It's fine to read the 5LL as a COMPANION book to DR but you absolutely should NOT be buying her gifts and flowers, this is the wrong time for that. We could have told you her reaction would be "too little too late" which is pretty much exactly what happened. It also comes off as pursuit and pressure, the main two things you should be completely avoiding at this point. Read 5LL as INFORMATION, not as a game plan. Read Sandi's rules every day. No pressure. No pursuit. No gifts.

I would love to go for walks with her or to the gym.

Of course you would. But that is not what SHE wants. And right now, this is all about what she wants. What does she want? It's quite simple really- anything but you. I know that sounds harsh but you need to understand what you are up against so that you will quit all this pursuit and pandering. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. She may again in the future, but not right now. Right now she doesn't like you and in fact the sight of you may even repulse her. This is pretty typical after BD.

So here is the question. Since she has left the church, (by requesting a transfer and letting it expire, yet still attends) would dropping a tell to a minister be out of line?

Yes, way out of line. That will just look to her like you are trying to "rally the troops against her" which Michele specifically warns against in DR. Do not talk to friends, family, clergy, etc. about your sitch. If they ask you then just say "we are working on things" and leave it at that. The ONLY people you should talk to are either us or people you know that have no connection to your W at all that you can trust will never say anything to her.

I did move more of her stuff into the basement. So caring what she thinks is rapidly fading. She did return home last night from her home care job but I was sleeping and left this morning without interaction.

So... thoughts?

My thoughts are that like most of us were at some point, you are in denial. You are still very, very attached to her and pretending you're not. Why are you moving her stuff to the basement? I think if you're honest with yourself, you're hoping to get a reaction out of her. You're hoping to "scare her back". It won't work. Have patience, this takes time. Pull back. Give her time and space. Work on you.

[SteveLW]

Turbine, you have an awesome opportunity here to have AS involved in your thread. Heed his advice, he is very wise.